The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

198. How Often Should Married Couples Be Sexually Intimate? What Do The Statistics Tell Us Is Ideal For Acheiving The Greatest Happiness?

October 06, 2023
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
198. How Often Should Married Couples Be Sexually Intimate? What Do The Statistics Tell Us Is Ideal For Acheiving The Greatest Happiness?
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

This is one of the most commonly asked questions: How often should married couples be having sex and what is ideal to achieve the greatest happiness?

In this episode Nick and Amy share the poll results from their audience asking this question, and also share what MANY experts and studies have shown to back it up. We think this episode can be a great help to finding a balance in your relationship that works for you both.

If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!

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Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.

If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.

Amy:

You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.

Nick:

It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy. Welcome to the podcast. You're just smiling at me.

Amy:

Yep, that's what I do.

Nick:

That's what you do, all right. Today's episode is titled how Often Should Married Couples Be Intimate? We get this question asked a lot to us all the time. How often should we be making love a week? What's the right amount?

Amy:

Do you think it's the husband's typically asking that?

Nick:

Oh, for sure, no question.

Amy:

I feel like it's that way of them saying will you please tell my wife we need to be doing it more.

Nick:

Yeah, so they can go back and say, nick and Amy, or whoever said that we should be making love X amount of times per week.

Amy:

Yeah, not going to happen.

Nick:

Instead of talking about what we feel is the right amount of times per week, we, number one, wanted to take a poll and see what the general consensus is on this. Then, number two, back it up with statistics and facts as to what is ideal. How many times per week is the ideal time for couples to find the most happiness in the relationship? Because we talk about this all the time how important sexual intimacy is in being happy and the role it plays in the happiness of your marriage. As many of you follow our polls that we do.

Nick:

You'll remember a while back it's probably been about a little less than a year or so, maybe but we took a podcast poll and asked the question does sex play an important role in the happiness of your marriage? This was for both husbands and wives, and 92% said yes. That wasn't just the husbands. Those husbands and wives 92% said that sex plays an important role in the happiness in their marriage. Having said that, that backs up everything we talk about all the time as to how important it is to have that sexual connection with each other.

Amy:

Agreed.

Nick:

Okay, all right. So should we dive into the poll and just jump into this and hear what everyone that answered this poll had to say? And we had a lot of responses. And again, the reason why we like doing polls is because this kind of gives us a sense of what generally, people in general are feeling, right, Right. Not just oh, this is how Nick and Amy are feeling.

Amy:

We don't want this to be about what we think about it. We definitely want this to be factual, right, and before we even jump into the poll, I have to say this is the biggest poll responses we have ever received, like thousands, like it's probably the most taken poll we've ever got. So I feel like this is pretty accurate, at least to our audience. That are typically 50, I think it's pretty half and half men and women, and I also feel like it's majority of couples who really care about their marriage and genuinely want to have an amazing intimate marriage.

Nick:

For sure.

Amy:

Like I would. That's what I'm going off of. So we asked how often do you make love each week? Like, how often do you actually make love each week to these couples? We had 18% that said once a week. We had 27% say two times a week, we had 17% say three or more times a week and we have 39% say less than once a week. Now, those people that are saying less than once a week 39% that doesn't mean they're okay with that, exactly.

Nick:

We're just we told them to be honest, okay, and if it's less than once a week, then it's probably a lot less than once a week. I think there's a big divide. I don't think it slowly goes to oh, once every 10 days. I think if couples aren't connecting once to twice a week sexually, it's probably falling off a cliff. When it goes under once a week, it's probably going to like once a month or once every three months. Yeah, who knows I don't know what we've heard from others.

Amy:

Yeah, so, but after the 39%, which is probably couples, why they're obviously following, trying to get some help in their marriage in any way that they can, the next highest number was 27%, at two times a week, which we have found to be the usually if they have a good marriage. If they have a good marriage, that's pretty accurate or pretty average right.

Nick:

For sure.

Amy:

So if you drop off the 39% out of that survey of less than once a week because once a week was still in the 18% I mean it's pretty good it's. I mean they're not super far off, like couples are. Most of the majority is having two to three times a week. So the next question we asked same question, but a little bit different how often do you feel like you need it in your marriage to achieve the greatest happiness? And do you feel like love making correlates with a happy marriage, which is kind of what you talked about, right? So now remember these answers are what do you wish it were in your marriage?

Nick:

And, of course, Of course you have some that are like several times a day, which-.

Amy:

We just roll our eyes out, because that's not normal.

Nick:

I don't even know how you can have sex several times and unless you're on a vacation and like one day, you have sex twice in a day or whatever. Like yeah, but like to consistently have sex multiple times a day for a long term like-.

Amy:

Not gonna happen, not gonna happen, not normal.

Nick:

It didn't happen, because that's not healthy.

Amy:

Okay. So in this poll, how much do you wish you had it? 48% said that's almost half. 48% said two to three times a week. That's husbands and wives answering that. 27% said more than three times a week and 25% said they were good with one time a week. And you can say those numbers are skewed because maybe more husbands answered certain probably the 48% or the sorry, the three times more a week and maybe more women said once a week. I don't know. Like that's obviously depending on everyone's marriage. There are different libido and drives, the different stuff they have going on in their life. So you can listen to these stats all day long, but it really comes down to what works for your marriage and we're not gonna make it sound in this podcast like if you're not doing this or if you're doing this, that's not okay. Like obviously whatever works for your relationship, right, yeah, and the studies and statistics.

Nick:

We could rattle off for hours and hours all the studies and statistics on how often married couples should be making love per week for to achieve the greatest happiness, and they're all kind of in line with each other. They all say the same thing one to two times a week. Couples that have sexual intimacy one to two times a week tend to be the happiest couples, and there's a reason why. One of the things they talk about is quality over quantity. If you remember back a little while ago, amy and I we did the sex challenge for seven days in a row.

Amy:

And we were on vacation.

Nick:

And we were on vacation Because that would not happen on a normal week. And we made it. We made it six days. The seventh day we're just like ah, we both are kind of sexed out, so to speak.

Amy:

Well, even though we were on vacation, we're like, okay, that should be like kind of main thing we're prioritizing. During that day we were having fun and doing stuff and we still got tired. We're still human and it almost became a little too not repetitive because we try to change things up, but and I think, personality wise for me it's like when I know that I like have to do something, it kind of changes the whole mindset of it.

Nick:

Yeah, and I'm the same way too, and you're probably the same way, so I don't know it changed it for us. Yeah, and it wasn't that we couldn't. I mean, we both were like yeah, you know we could do it.

Nick:

We could do it. But what we noticed is, like Amy said, the more we did it, the less enjoyable it became. It became more like oh we, you know, we just have to do it, it's a chore, and that really fun connection wasn't there after six days in a row, right. So, and I know there's a lot of guys out there thinking, oh, I'd love to have it every day and don't get me wrong like it's awesome to have sex more frequently. But there does come a point where the quantity can overtake the quality, and I think that's why that's one of the reasons the experts and the statistics back up that one to two times a week or one to three times a week is kind of ideal, because you are prioritizing the quality over the quantity, or trying to find that balance, so to speak.

Amy:

I wanna say two things to go with that. First off, for a woman, our body doesn't typically for the typical woman, doesn't tell us that we need it like a man's body. So I always laugh because I'm like Nick if you actually gave me like six days, I would probably crave it, but I never get to six days because your body doesn't make it six days.

Amy:

And that's fine, that's fine, right, but our bodies are a little bit different. So when you can give us a few days in between, that makes it more exciting versus again and again and again, consistently and going off our other surveys that we always take about the husbands. The reason they want to be intimate with their wife is so past the physical. It's about connecting emotionally. I mean, you heard all the answers in our videos about what husbands say being intimate really means to them, which was so genuine and so awesome to hear. Going off of those answers, I think most husbands want the wives to be into it too, right.

Amy:

Oh, absolutely Like 99% of husbands want their wives to enjoy it, and so a few days in between is what can really help. The wife really desire that and too much kind of messes that up.

Nick:

Well, I'm hitting on that as well, we as men and this is kind of a joke in our house and I think it's typical pretty much across the board but when we as men go two or three days, we start to become a lot more romantic. We start to fulfill our wives' emotional needs a lot more. We're expressing and doing a better job at those emotional needs the more time goes on. Now I recognize this isn't everyone, but I think the majority of men I mean it's kind of a joke in our house we have friends that we talk to like. Most men are like this right.

Amy:

Agreed.

Nick:

The more days that go by, the more they are meeting the emotional needs of their wife or reaching out because they want that sexual intimacy. So if you're a couple that's having sex once to twice a week, you're giving more time, like Amy said, for that emotional intimacy to also be very strong, versus if you're having sex five or six times a week. And there are some couples that that works great and if it works great for you, that's awesome. But in these studies what it's showing is when you get to four, five, six times a week it actually doesn't increase your happiness anymore and in some cases it can decrease happiness because there's not that build up, there's not that emotional intimacy. I guess as much that we as men tend to give when we have those few days or whatever in between.

Amy:

Let's talk about that for a sec, because there's a lot of women listening probably that are like well, doesn't that bother you that your husband steps it up a little bit more on day three or four and is more romantic and more emotional because he wants it or his body's telling you he needs it, or right. That can be very frustrating for women, especially on day one when you're not super touchy and I always say I'm not physical touch so I'm like I don't super care, but a lot of women do care. The husband's not as touchy right after. But then it starts to build up on that day three or day four, whatever that is for you and your marriage, and it's like oh, you're only doing this or only touching me, this, that non-sexual touch or that emotional connection, those kind of things that start getting stepped up on day three or four.

Amy:

Be stronger Because you want something, because you want something and I look at that and, yeah, like sometimes it's a little much and it's like, okay, you could have probably done better on the other days. But I understand how your body works and I'm appreciative of the fact that you're even stepping it up or you're even like trying. I think that's, I don't know, like it's all about effort, right, and you can't be like the most romantic person all the time, like, and that shouldn't be expected of husbands. I don't think. I don't think that's healthy expectation to be like that all the time. If he's trying a little bit harder or being a little more flirty or romantic that day because he wants to be intimate, be grateful for that.

Nick:

Like.

Amy:

I think we need to change our mindset as women like, yeah, just touch me, because he wants something, he wants to connect with you. Why are you upset that he wants to connect with you and he wants to touch your body and he wants to climb in bed with you? Like I think as women we need to appreciate that a little bit more, be grateful for that and we kind of talk about that in the last episode.

Nick:

We just did Absolutely as to why your husband's sexual desire for you is so strong and why you should be grateful for that.

Amy:

Yes.

Nick:

And that's why I think that's why you should be grateful for those things. But another reason too, as I feel like speaking from a husband's point of view, is a lot of times women complain that oh you're, you know, every time you touch me you just want sex. So for men, sometimes we back off and say, okay, you know, if that's the way you feel, we'll try to, I guess, withhold those desires, or we won't, we won't touch you or we won't do those things because you feel like it is just for sex. And so obviously then a couple of days go by and we're like oh, we really want this connection, like you say, and so or the wife can throw it back on the husband and be like well, why aren't you touching me?

Amy:

Like it's just communication, right?

Nick:

Yeah, and having healthy expectations, Exactly Well. And the key, like we said, is every couple is going to look different. You can't judge it and say well, we're having sex three or four times a week and it works for our marriage. That's fantastic.

Amy:

That's great. I am jealous, like I wish that. I wanted it that much, absolutely.

Nick:

That would be fantastic.

Nick:

And if you're a couple that you're only having sex twice a month but you're both happy with that and that's the key, then that works for you. But what we're saying is the statistics show, the studies show that for the majority of couples one to two times a week is kind of the ideal amount of time for couples to have sex. I think in our marriage that's about where we're about two times a week and we found that that really works well for us and our relationship. It gives Amy time to kind of recharge, so to speak, and actually desired it a little bit more, and it also, you know, gives me a couple of days to, I think, appreciate and build up, so to speak, and be romantic.

Amy:

I would probably, just being 100% honest with you, I would be fine with once a week because my drive is so low I'm trying to get that fixed, as you know our story. But because I know it's really important to him and he does a lot for the family and for our relationship, I know that's important to him. I make it important to me because that's the balance that we've talked about, worked about, worked on and really kind of come to a conclusion Like this works for our marriage and that's what's important is finding out what works for you and not comparing yourself.

Nick:

Yeah, if you're a husband and we do hear from husbands we get written to all the time that like, oh, I want to have sex every day, but my wife doesn't want to have sex every day. You know, what can I do so that my wife wants to have sex every day? And I'm like, oh, how do I respond to this?

Nick:

Like jeez, you got to be realistic. It's not realistic to have sex every day and it's not realistic and fair to your spouse to have those expectations. So you need to have realistic expectations of what works and what is fair and what works in your relationship and it might not be.

Nick:

we talk about this all the time it might not be ideal right, Just because you want five times a week and your wife wants once a week and you decide that two times a week works good. It might not be exactly what you both want, but that's what marriage and compromise is all about, right? You love each other and you say, hey, I know this is important to you and vice versa, I know this is important to you and I want to respect how you feel and you find that balance and find something that you both can be happy and live with in the relationship.

Amy:

Love it so important, so important.

Nick:

So question is is I think, how do you find that balance? And I know these are things that we talk about all the time, but we keep hitting on it because I feel like it's something that continuously needs to be said.

Amy:

This is one of the biggest problems in very many marriages, Like what do you say?

Nick:

Absolutely, and I still. We still get tons of emails and the very first question we're asking to most emails is well, you feel this way if you talk to your spouse? Well, no, I haven't talked to him. I'm scared to talk to him.

Amy:

Well, that's because they get upset when you keep bringing it up.

Nick:

Yeah, I don't want to cause an argument or this and that, but again, you have to be able to communicate. So you need to discuss your desires, your expectations, any concerns, anything related to sexual frequency. You need to discuss them openly and honestly with each other. And it might be a tough conversation, it might be uncomfortable, but you have to have that conversation. You can't progress, you can't do anything, till you have that conversation and discuss what these expectations are within the relationship and really listen to each other and understand where each other are coming from.

Amy:

Agreed.

Nick:

All right, and I think you know we all, we talk about this often as well, too. It's important to recognize that each of you are differently, your preferences are different and they can vary, and so, again, coming to that compromise that you know, again is something that meets both spouses desires and needs.

Amy:

And they're going to be different. Absolutely your needs are going to be different and if you're a wife, that's like well, I don't want sex that many times a week because of ABC and D. Tell your husband what ABC and D are and then work on fixing ABC and D.

Nick:

Absolutely yeah.

Amy:

So in the podcast, episode number 151, it's if you don't know what your wife needs emotionally, she might not either. Go back and listen to that, because if there's something missing, that's more, that's like the key foundation to intimacy and emotional connection, which comes first for a woman. You gotta solve those things because I can promise you and we hear this from a lot of ladies, we do a lot of posts on this when the emotional intimacy is strong, like she feels really safe and secure and respected in the marriage, like she really feels like we are best friends, we're a team, we've got this. I feel secure and loved in this marriage. But she has that. And then she has Like even just a positive mindset, that sex it can be awesome and amazing for her to, and not just for her husband. That is when and that takes also communication but those two things that she, if most women, have, those two things Positive mindset and a good foundation of emotional intimacy they're gonna crave intimate time. They're gonna crave it too.

Nick:

I'm glad you're bringing that up, because you're exactly right. If you're a couple that isn't having sex very often Less than once a week and you want to have more sexual intimacy in your life, I can almost guarantee that it probably has something to do with what you just hit on, yeah, which is the emotional intimacy isn't there, and that's why the desire isn't there. And so you know, really really talk about in your communication as well. It's not just about sex. What can we do to connect better on an emotional level? What can we do? Can we go on walks together? Can we have more meaningful conversation together? As we've talked about before, it's amazing that Couples are talking less than 10 minutes a day in meaningful conversation. So if you're not connecting emotionally, how in the world do you think you're gonna start connecting sexually?

Amy:

for sure.

Nick:

So you've got to have, you got to talk about that too. You got to identify what's going on in the relationship.

Amy:

Besides emotional intimacy, if your spouse isn't craving sex Like you're, like I wanted, I feel so emotionally connected. Our relationship is amazing. We've already worked out those other barriers. The other barrier I just wanted to mention is what we talked about in episode 183.

Amy:

Could this be the reason that she's not craving being intimate, which is because and I'll keep it short because we did an entire episode on this, but I Finally opened up to Nick one night and I was like well, it feels good for you the whole 30 minutes and it literally feels good for me for about two minutes, like just that quick build-up at the end and then orgasm. There's ways to make it feel good for her the entire time. So it's not just well, I guess we're doing this more for you. Like women, you can have amazing arousal and Stimulation then as much as your husband can. If you redo the right techniques and really talk about this and figure out why you're not like enjoying sexual pleasure like your husband is. Because a lot of women that do feel emotionally connected, like I already said, sometimes it's like well, sex isn't that amazing for me, it's amazing for you, but it's not that amazing for me. That can be a big fix too. She's gonna crave it more when sex is awesome. She's enjoying it physically and is already there emotionally.

Nick:

Like I can promise you, the disconnect can be fixed, yeah right absolutely Absolutely, and we've written tons of articles, we've done tons of podcasts on sex, on maintenance sex, on every aspect of what People can do to have a better sex life. And so now that, now that we've shared all those tools and shared all those things of what people Can do to have a better sex life, obviously this episode is kind of giving you a I guess what's the word I want to use. We're kind of answering the question like, okay, what is the ideal amount of times per week to have the happiness in the marriage? And so if you're a couple, that's again can have sex one, two, three times a week. That's probably where you're gonna find the greatest happiness connecting sexually.

Amy:

Is finding that balance is, I think I think the happiness when it comes to sexual intimacy is Finding that balance when both people are like. This is such a great amount for our marriage and we're both happy with it. That is sexual like and you're both enjoying it and you've figured that that's. It's a great to have a balance If you and if you're not having sexual intimacy one, two, three times a week. Find out, why again?

Nick:

sit down and discuss these things and try to have that, that goal that we as a couple, we want to have a happier marriage, we want to increase our intimacy. Put together a plan and figure out what you need to do to start making love you know, one, two, three times a week.

Amy:

I Think it's important to always not have, or to not have too high expectations too. Like we understand a lot of you or in the thick of like, raising children, having careers, trying to make a living, trying to throw in date nights and we get that you're tired and exhausted and stressed. Life is hard and it's super busy, but just remember that prioritizing intimacy and being intimate in your marriage makes all the difference. It makes all the difference. It's really important.

Nick:

Yeah, you're exactly right. If you're putting things above your marriage and making those more important than your marriage, it's not going to sustain itself long term, right.

Amy:

For sure.

Nick:

So I mean I just we talk about all the time how you have to put your marriage first.

Amy:

Marriage first. Awesome, we just wanted to make sure that all of you that are listening are subscribed to our newsletter that we send out every week. We don't send out a bunch of crap. We send out usually once a week with some good stuff. If you're not subscribed to our newsletter, you can go to ultimateintimacycom, go all the way to the bottom to subscribe to newsletter. Stick your email in there. It will take you 10 seconds. Get some good stuff, get some good discounts, updates, anyways, go make sure you're subscribed.

Amy:

And then we also just want to talk quick about our awesome new product that we added to the shop, which is our 30 days little mini scratch off cards that can be for initiating. They can be just to spice up your intimacy a fun new way. I don't know, we're always trying to come up with new ways, because you probably have the app. You might have gotten initiating cards. We're just trying to come up with new ways to make sexual intimacy fun, because that's, I mean, this is the goal. Right Is to have an awesome sexual intimacy, balance and happiness in your marriage. So these little cards fit in a little cute bag and put them in your nightstand and surprise your spouse with them.

Amy:

Oh, it's a great little gift, even just like a. This is just an I love you present that I'm giving you today. Like what? What spouse wouldn't want that right?

Amy:

Right Like every spouse wants a little. I love you present. So these are just little tiny cards, business card size. Come in a little bag, fun to scratch off. Try a new position or two or three one night, and it would be a great little challenge too to maybe try all these different. There's 30 of them. So try them, all you know, by the holidays or end of the year or I don't know, just to have more fun in the bedroom.

Nick:

Yeah.

Amy:

You got to experiment and have fun together.

Nick:

We've already been used to them.

Amy:

I can't. We only sell stuff or design stuff that we want right, that's right, that's right. So you can find those in shopultimateintimacycom and we thank you so much for your support when you buy our products. It keeps our podcasts going.

Nick:

We just really support your, or appreciate your support, so yeah, also feel free to leave us a review If you feel comfortable doing so as well. We say this all the time that with the amount of listeners, we should have a ton of reviews.

Amy:

And you can do it anonymously. Yeah, yeah.

Nick:

So I hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time. We hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.

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