The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

221. How You Or Your Spouses Struggles Negatively Impact Both Of You

December 26, 2023
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
221. How You Or Your Spouses Struggles Negatively Impact Both Of You
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

How often do we feel our own issues are "are own" issues and we don't stop to think how our issues or struggles impact our spouse.

For example, If you are a spouse that suffers from depression, do you recognize the impact it can have on not only yourself, but your spouse? Or for a spouse that has past trauma they are working through. This not only impacts you, but also your spouse.

In this episode we talk about how issues that one spouse is dealing with almost always has a negative impact on the other spouse. We share what couples can do and how to address things so that they can have a much better relationship.

If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!

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Speaker 1:

You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.

Speaker 2:

It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, and today's episode title is how you or your Spouse's Struggles Negatively Impact the Both of you, including rejection.

Speaker 2:

I think oftentimes we have our own issues or struggles or things that we deal with personally and we often look at it and say, well, these are my issues that I got to deal with and we don't recognize the huge impact that it has on our spouse. Or vice versa, when our spouse is dealing with a struggle or something, the impact that it can have on us and we were talking about this the other day. We actually before we were getting on a podcast to do on depression and anxiety, which we'll be coming out shortly it's amazing how many spouses were saying well, when my spouse is dealing with depression, that makes me depressed, because when they're depressed all the time and they withdraw and don't want anything to do with me and reject me, then I feel rejected and I get depressed because I feel like I'm not desired, I feel like I'm not wanted, and so that's kind of what prompted this podcast episode. In talking about this is because there are so many things that can negatively impact the other spouse when we think it's just really impacting us.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely, absolutely. And there's a lot of small things too, like we'll jump into them. But mood, mood swings, rejection, just different differences in the ways that you grew up, trauma, like just so many little things that you're like wow, I never realized that would impact me so much. And I think a lot of people get married and don't realize, like I know that you went through this or that you go through this, but I had no idea it was going to hurt our marriage.

Speaker 2:

So much yeah, or you had these experiences when you were younger and you're exactly right. And then they get into marriage and they're like oh my heck, this is just baggage. That like. I had no clue I almost can't deal with. I mean, we've seen this firsthand with so many people. We know and people close to us, that maybe there was abuse in the past or different things that happened and it gets carried on into the new relationship and just had no idea the impact it would have on both of them.

Speaker 3:

And it's sad, because you're like these things that people listed, these struggles or issues that people are dealing with, your heart goes out to them, like your heart totally goes out. You're like I can't believe you've been through that, I can't believe you're dealing with that. Those are hard, hard things, right, and you want to just give them a big hug. With the same time you're like your spouse is dealing with it too, like it just I don't know it, just it, just yeah, it can be a real spiral.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely so we.

Speaker 3:

We asked our audience in a poll does you or your spouse's struggles negatively impact your relationship? I didn't know where this would go. I had no clue. 83% said yes. 17% said no. 83% of the couples that took our poll said that their struggles, or spouse's struggles negatively, were impacting their relationship.

Speaker 2:

That is high.

Speaker 3:

That is high. So then we asked share examples like what people were going through? And that's what we're going to jump into today, right To kind of discuss some of these things that people are struggling with.

Speaker 3:

And how they impact the spouse. So we're not just focusing on the spouse, but but if you're going through something, it's definitely impacting your spouse and it's impacting your entire marriage, which has a domino effect into your life and your kids' life. So I mean, these are really important, whether they're small or not, right? So we're going to jump in, and one of the first comments that we're going to talk about is a spouse that said rejection for bids of intimacy because of the quote, typical reasons, which to me that sounds like excuses.

Speaker 2:

I'm too tired. I've had a long day or rejection for bids of intimacy.

Speaker 3:

So she's bidding for feeling loved, right Like he probably is like a typical husband that wants to be desired. He gives these little bids like I just want you to touch me, I just want to be intimate with you, and there's constant rejection, which is what we hear about all the freaking time. Yeah, so in this case.

Speaker 2:

You know, if a spouse, for whatever reason, doesn't want to be intimate and again we don't need to get into all the reasons why, but let's just, if a spouse doesn't want to be intimate for whatever reason, they often think that, oh, that's only impacting me, right, if I turn my spouse down, then they'll deal with it, right. What they don't realize is how much that negatively impacts their spouse. So we, the majority of the time it's a wife rejecting the husband. We recognize that isn't all the time, but that's what we refer to in this, because that's who wrote this. So if a wife continuously rejects a husband, the husband is then going to start withdrawing emotionally and feel like I don't, she doesn't love me, she doesn't desire me, she's always rejecting me and he's going to withdraw. And that absolutely is going to impact the relationship and also impact how he's feeling. I mean sexual rejections, I mean it's tough Like there for a man.

Speaker 3:

I don't know that there's anything that's that's as big for a lot of men as being rejected sexually, exactly, yeah, and I think when we talk about some of these things, I think we always have to come back to I committed to my spouse. I committed to a loving, passionate marriage. No one committed to a roommate marriage or a man. Most men would not have done it right. Yeah, like they wanted a passionate, loving relationship, like women. So we have to look back and think okay, if you're struggling and you're always rejecting, what is the deeper reason? Why are you doing that? Why? What barriers and I know we already have podcast episodes, so go back, we're not going to dive into this but what barriers are keeping me from wanting to be intimate with my spouse? And sometimes that takes self soul-searching Like why am I feeling like this? What can I do to fix this problem? It's not always your spouse's problem to fix. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Right, exactly, it's not like the husband isn't being a good man or being faithful or any of those things Like if there's something that's keeping you from wanting that it might be personally needs to be fixed by you. Exactly it might not be something that your husband's not doing perfectly or not doing correctly or not doing enough of. It might be something that you need to look into and get some help with.

Speaker 2:

And I know this is this is harsh, but if you constantly keep rejecting your husband, or wife or wife sexually. There's gonna come a point where the and I don't know when that is, but there's no way your marriage is gonna be sustained.

Speaker 3:

And if it is sustained, it's not passionate.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

So it's probably not happy and it might be sustained for you because you don't care about that one thing, but it's not okay for the other spouse. That's hurting. You don't want a hurting marriage. It's no fun.

Speaker 2:

Alright, well yeah, one more thing to add, and we get so many people that say well, if you're promoting sexual intimacy when we're not in the mood, that's marital rape right.

Speaker 3:

No.

Speaker 2:

There comes a point like sex is a big part of marriage. It's a big part of a relationship. Both spouses go into a relationship thinking that sex is going to be a big part of that relationship. That is how couples connect. If you are taking that away and removing that from the relationship, that's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair to your spouse.

Speaker 3:

And we're always talking about healthy boundaries and healthy amounts of sex, right, like. It's never okay to be like I needed all the time or every day. It's always comes down to what's gonna work for our marriage. Once a week, twice a week, more than that, less than that Like there's no answer for that. But it's always about connecting sexually so that the sexual connection is emotional connection. There's so much deeper. That's what we're talking about. We're talking about sexual intimacy, not sex. Correct, big difference. The next one we want to get into is lack of self-confidence, which so many husbands and wives suffer from. I know we just talked about this in a very recent one, so we're not gonna go too far into this one either. The lack of self-confidence or body issues is totally going to affect the other spouse.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, whether you're a wife or your husband, if you're feeling a lack of self-confidence with your body oh, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not attractive enough You're obviously going to withdraw and not want to be intimate, right For sure. And just like we talked about, that comes back into the sexual rejection part.

Speaker 3:

We did just a couple episodes again. I think was the naked game night ideas or some, I don't remember what was titled, but we actually went into the episode about body confidence. So if you're struggling with that, I hope and challenge that you'll go back and listen to the Naked Game Night podcast, because we did talk about how important it is to be confident in your skin, how your spouse probably doesn't even notice your flaws, how how many, how much they love to just see you who you are and for you to be intimate and to want that kind of connection. So I don't know body, if you're suffering with lack of self-confidence, my heart goes out to you. What can you do to get it back? What are you looking at that's making you feel like that? Is it coming from internet or social media? Is it coming?

Speaker 2:

Good point.

Speaker 3:

I mean, what are you looking at to make yourself give you? Is your spouse making you feel like that? Can you talk about that? Can you fix that? I feel like most things can be solved and maybe, if it's really really low and deep, like maybe a professional counselor can really help in this area, whatever it is and maybe you can start exercising, or I mean whatever. The confidence issue is right. Like I feel like we are bombarded with a lot of things in our faces like that make us not feel good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough or rich enough or famous, like whatever it is. I feel like we have a little more control of what we're looking at and why we're feeling that way. Yeah, don't you agree?

Speaker 1:

Yep.

Speaker 3:

So, and that's absolutely going to affect your spouse and that's not fair. So work together as a team. Maybe like how do we resolve this issue? How do I make you feel more confident? What do you want? More compliments Like what is your love language in this area? Like how can I be a better spouse? Because that's totally going to affect a marriage.

Speaker 2:

Love it.

Speaker 3:

Good Next one a husband commented and said her having to control everything, and this can go both ways.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

You speechless.

Speaker 2:

No, I'm thinking of people we know or like kind of experiences we've had with this or things like that.

Speaker 3:

I've heard from a lot of husbands that, like, my wife wants this done this way. If I don't clean this certain way, if I don't fold the laundry a certain way, she gets upset at me and like not that I haven't been there before. I'm totally guilty of this because I'm like I have some like when it comes to the dishwasher. Nick puts all this silver wear up and then I have to grab it when it's like stupid stuff like that. But I'm like you know what that is like. Those kind of things are so dumb Like you can't ever expect your spouse to do stuff the way you do it. It's okay to be different. So if you're controlling enough, where you expect your spouse to do something exactly the way you want it, freaking do it yourself.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, or talk to him about it, right Like there has to be some given, taken marriage.

Speaker 2:

But we're all different. We all come from different backgrounds, experiences, things, growing up like I have things that I have from growing up in my life that are different than what Amy has. We have different ways of doing things.

Speaker 3:

It doesn't always mean something's right or something's wrong, but if you're a controlling spouse, try to think about why you're you feel that way, why you feel like you have to have things a perfect way. I don't know, maybe there's, maybe there's some internal trauma or something that you've been through that you can self, maybe self diagnose, or maybe you need help.

Speaker 2:

So let's talk about how that negatively impacts the other spouse, right? So if you're a spouse that just everything has to be, things have to be done, a certain way has to be perfect, whatever you're gonna stop doing stuff, right. Yeah, like how would that affect the other spouse?

Speaker 3:

Well, if you were like you didn't do that right, or I don't like the way you do this, or like okay, you do it. Okay, I'm done, like I'm literally done helping you Like I'm out, check you. Do it yourself, then right, and that's gonna cause this. Well, now you don't want to help me? What you're just gonna like sin. Watch me contention right there.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

Speaker 3:

So we have to be careful, like our tone of voice, the way we talk about these things, like let's have a conversation, this would be a healthy way to do it. It really bothers you, bothers me, the way you wipe down the counter. We've had this conversation because he uses a paper towel and it doesn't even clean anything. He doesn't even put water on it. Half the time I'm like, and sometimes I'm like I just watch and I start laughing now. But but if I was to, like, go to Nick and be like that is literally so dumb, why are you doing that? He's gonna be like I'm never gonna do that again. Then Wipe your own day and counter right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you don't like the way I do it.

Speaker 3:

I'm laughing because I'm like I think we've done that.

Speaker 2:

No, we have of course we have. We're human, we've done these things as well too. But the point is is talk about it and understand. You know, why is my way wrong or why is it right, why is yours right? Like, at least have that conversation right so you can figure out where you're coming from.

Speaker 3:

So maybe he's gonna come to me like this is the way my mom taught me to do it. I don't like to. He told me one day. He's like, I don't like touching dirty wash rags in the sink.

Speaker 2:

I'm not gonna pick that up in my hand.

Speaker 3:

I want to pay for towel.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. Oh, that makes sense, I'm like I get that.

Speaker 3:

I get that. Maybe we could buy some Lysol wipes or something Like there's solutions to stuff right. Yep exactly, or maybe I don't care how stuff is folded. I'm appreciative that Nick would even fold the laundry Like I'm like great, that's great. I don't care. But some people if they're OCD or something like just I don't know find that common ground where it's like you know you do it your way. When it's your turn, I'll do it my way. Try and become a team. It's all about becoming a team. I'm jumping on so trauma.

Speaker 2:

Oh, wow. So this is huge. You see a lot of experiences where people and sometimes even second marriages or what have you where they've and first marriages, but they've experienced trauma in the past and I think a spouse feels like, oh, you know, that's not going to be a huge deal in our marriage, and then they get married and it's a massive deal For sure.

Speaker 2:

Like the other spouse is like I don't know. I don't know how to handle this right. We often think that, again going back to it, that personal things that have happened to either us or our spouse previously are just going to be issues that they have to deal with and they're really not going to impact us much. But that is not the case. That is not the case, especially with this.

Speaker 3:

I don't want to get into trauma. I really think if you've got serious trauma, please go meet with a marriage expert or just a counselor in general, someone that's really good, someone that you can trust, that's been referred to you, that really wants to help you. We have our thoughts about counselors. There's really good ones, there's really crappy ones, there's one that want money from you and there's some that genuinely want to help you, to really help you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Right, like I just be super picky, but like.

Speaker 2:

And you're right. And I think the biggest point, the big point we're trying to make in this podcast, is be, if you're dealing with something, if you're dealing with past trauma or you're dealing with depression or whatever, realize that it does not just impact you, that it's also impacting your spouse, it's impacting your relationship and the point we want to really hit home is that you've got to deal with these things together and if you're dealing with something in your marriage like I said, depression or anxiety or something in the past you owe it to your spouse to deal with that, instead of just pushing it under the rug or blaming your spouse.

Speaker 2:

That they just need to put up with it or Be more patient Be more patient and understanding which they should be patient and understanding but you owe it to yourself and to your spouse, regardless of what this is, if it's having an impact on your marriage. You owe it to yourself and to your spouse to figure out what's going on and get the help that you need.

Speaker 3:

And I think that's part of commitment. I think commitment means like doing things personally to help the marriage If it's impacting them right.

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 3:

The next one comment we got was in-law family struggles impacting our relationship.

Speaker 2:

We see that a lot.

Speaker 3:

Not personally, thank goodness.

Speaker 2:

We see that often too, where one spouse will side with their family right, yeah. Like because it's family and they don't want to hurt their feelings or they don't want to have issues there, but then the detrimental impact it has with their spouse.

Speaker 3:

When you left your parents to cleave to your spouse. That means leaving your family to cleave to your spouse. It's pretty straightforward, right.

Speaker 2:

Exactly.

Speaker 3:

So that means that you are now life partner, best friends, teammates with your spouse, not your extended family, bye-bye. Yeah, it's time to cut those strings right. So what that means is, when you go to a family event and something makes your spouse feel bad or left out or disrespected, it's your time to stand up and side with your spouse. I am a firm believer of that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 3:

Right. So absolutely, that's going to impact your spouse like 100%. You got to be a team. I don't know what else to say on that one. One guy said no flirting, no kissing, no touching the whole. I guess the whole love language thing is never reciprocated. I just wanted to point out that our love languages are usually different and, like you always say, I'm not going to understand what you're saying. If you're speaking in your own love language, I need you to speak my life language, and vice versa.

Speaker 2:

And it's sometimes tough because if my love language is physical touch, then a lot of times we assume that that's what her love language is because that's what we understand, right. So it's so important to recognize that just because my love language is physical touch, that's not how I should give Amy love. I need to understand or interpret her love language.

Speaker 3:

And you can still give that kind of love. It's just that that's not meaning the same thing, that it is to them, right, exactly so I can't speak Spanish to Nick and he can't speak Chinese to me. We're not going to understand each other. I know that's kind of a bad example, it's a great example we're talking about.

Speaker 3:

Anyways, a great goal for 2024 is to retake the love quiz on the app or online, or you can get the in depth one online, and just I mean, they change all the time. So the best thing you can do for your marriage is learn what they are and really learn how to speak that to them.

Speaker 2:

Yep.

Speaker 3:

Let's see Lack of respect in marriage. Do you have anything to say to that?

Speaker 2:

I mean, that's pretty self explanatory, yeah, I that is one that need.

Speaker 3:

You need to self dive in again and fear. Why do I feel like that? What has been done in the marriage to make me have lost respect? Or why do I feel like I don't have, like that's a conversation that needs to be had? Right, that's absolutely. If you don't respect your spouse, they're going to feel that. They're going to know that real quick. It's the way you talk to them, the way you treat them, the way you serve them. Once respect is gone, those things all change.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so there could be. Obviously we could spend hours and hours talking about all the different things or could be literally hundreds and hundreds of things that a spouse struggles with that really negatively impacts the other spouse. But you know, getting at it again, if you're a spouse that has or struggles with certain things, instead of assuming that your spouse just needs to deal with it or they need to change or do things a certain way or what have you really look deep inside and say, okay, are my struggles really? Are they having a negative impact on our relationship? And if so, what can I do to help minimize this or what can I do to figure out how to address these struggles so that we can have a better relationship, and vice versa?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely Good communication right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, always comes down to that.

Speaker 3:

Always comes down to the communication and self reflection, I think a lot of the times we just try to point fingers at our spouse. Oh, we do that all the time, you're not doing this good enough, or you don't do it the way I like it, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah so many times. If we could just turn that finger around and point it ourselves, we could fix a lot of problems in our marriages.

Speaker 2:

Well and think of all the problems that could be fixed, that maybe aren't fixed, if you simply did that and you turn inside and said, maybe it, maybe I'm the issue that I, we need to address things inwardly, right, right? And it would be amazing to probably see how much your marriage would improve and the relationship would improve overall if we, instead of pointing the finger at our spouse, if we turned inwardly and said what things can I address, what things can I fix inwardly? That would be a game changer, I think.

Speaker 3:

That would be a game changer for a lot of people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, but that takes a lot of humility.

Speaker 2:

It does.

Speaker 3:

Which is why we're married is to teach us humility, right, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2:

So hopefully these things we've discussed today can have a have a good impact on your relationship, give you something to think about and if you're struggling with things in your marriage, maybe look at what's going on and why it's affecting both of you negatively and then, like I said, turn inwardly and maybe address some of the things that you need to address.

Speaker 3:

Love it Good job.

Speaker 2:

So, like always, we really appreciate listening to the podcast. We hope you enjoy the podcast and feel free to email us, message us and let us know if there's something we haven't talked about that you want us to talk about.

Speaker 3:

We would love a review. Do you have time?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely so, please, please, leave us a review. We'd love one. So, again, we hope all of you have a wonderful start to the 2024 and we look forward to continuing the podcast and ensuring this information with you. And so until next time, we hope each one of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.

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