8. How to Create Better Foreplay and Physical Intimacy

Nick and Amy talk with Sarah from Coconu and discuss why the right lubrication is so important in foreplay and intimacy and how it can make it so much more enjoyable for both spouses.

Also don't forget to download the Ultimate Intimacy App for free in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to have "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage.

Follow us on instagram @ultimateintimacyapp

Transcript

Speaker 3: you are listening to the ultimate intimacy podcast where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness, and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life, join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The ultimate intimacy podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.

Speaker 2: So, hi and welcome to the ultimate intimacy podcast. This is episode number 10. We are your host, Nick and Amy and we are very excited for our episode. Today. We have Laura Gethers with the love harder marriage and Laura is a marriage coach and also does events and a lot of exciting things like that. So Lara, we're totally excited to have you today.

Speaker 1: I am excited to be here with you all. I will say that I've been using your app now for a little over six months and I am just thrilled to be able to sit down and talk to you about um just intimacy and marriage and all that God has in store for us.

Speaker 2: Oh, wonderful. Well, thank you so much. We sure appreciate that. Um you know, the theme of this podcast is, you know, really, why is it so important to make God a priority in marriage? And I think, you know, with the divorce rates and everything we see nowadays going on in the world, we can see that, you know, the family and marriages are really under attack by the adversary and uh you know, he wants to destroy the families and destroy marriages and and it's just in full force attack mode. We also see the world kind of transitioning to a point where God isn't as important. You know, we see a lot of people that you no longer believe in God or or don't make God a priority in their lives or their marriages. And I think that you know kind of equate to the divorce rates and the problems going on in life with marriages and families. And so I think just to kind of start out and lead us off, you know, why is it so important that we make God a priority in our marriages today?

Speaker 1: That's a wonderful question. This year. My Children, well, my my entire family, we are studying the book of genesis and we got to the part where it started to talk about God created. God created. And we begin to explore all the things that God created. And one thing we did was we would look at animals, how does, how does this ant remind you of God? Where ants are good Stewart, How does this tree or this flower or this plant remind you of God? And we could see the attributes of God. Well the same thing is true in marriage, God created marriage. And when we think about that, we have to be able to look at our marriages and say, what attributes of God are we showing the world about marriage? And when you understand that the creator created it, then you want to represent him well. And when you take him out of it, then what are you representing? That's how I do it. What are you representing? And when you leave that door open, I think that's when you begin to face the conflicts and the challenges and the situations that are leading to divorce. When you take God out of the very thing that he created,

Speaker 2: you make a great point too. I mean, I think too, if we don't have God in our marriages or someone to help us through the trials or the struggles or the things that we are going to be facing, I think it's so easy just to give up, you know, to not have, you know, maybe we feel like we don't have the help that we need or you know, whatever it is. But when we put God the focus in our marriage, we recognize that he can truly help us get through anything as a couple. And you know, I love how you brought up genesis as well. You know, in genesis, it talks about, You know, becoming one flesh

Speaker 1: and, you

Speaker 2: Know, a husband and wife becoming one Flesh and that that is so important and so true because when you become one flesh, you're working towards something together. Um,

Speaker 1: and I love that, that I'm not sure if you all have heard, but I'm big on creating a marital mission statement and that marital mission statement identifies why God put you in your spouse together. And I think when you understand that purpose and you have that foundational document that says this is why we are joined together, this is what we're trying to accomplish as one. Then you have something that you are fighting for and you have something that you can stand firm on because you now have identified why God has joined you together. And when you have that type of foundation, then you're able to grow because you're both growing towards something, you're both trying to accomplish the same thing. Even if you have different strengths and weaknesses and gifts and talents to help contribute, you understand that you're going down the same path. And I think in marriage a lot of times we start going down our own path and we forget that God has put us together. We are one flesh with someone to accomplish something greater than what either one of us could accomplish alone. Yeah. So

Speaker 3: true. It's beautiful. Um, I wanted to say that, I think that all marriages are hard. You've been

Speaker 1: through trails in your

Speaker 3: marriage, we've been through trials in our marriage. For me when I got married, it was okay, this is going to be hard, but we can do this. We're a team, We're going to be unified. We're going to have really hard stuff hit us. How do we make it through that? And I feel like, and I don't know how marriages

Speaker 2: survive without

Speaker 3: God. I don't know because for me it's like I have this, I know that like earth is a test for us. We have to pass this test. It's gonna be hard. We have this discussion all the time. It's like he made these two complete separate people and put us together. You're totally, men are totally different than women. Here, we are supposed to be compatible. That's a real test. And it's a real big test for some people, you know, but that is the whole point of life is to make it through marriage and learn how to be more godly and to be christ like to each other with the forgiveness and the patients, like that's that's why we're here. So that's what's kept us getting through really hard times is realizing that I'm being tested and I have to personally figure out how to make this marriage work and not just work, but how to make it as amazing as I can.

Speaker 1: Absolutely. And when you think about that, I love what you say, we, we get every day we get an opportunity to allow our spouse to experience christ through us every single day. We have someone right beside, right beside us that gets to experience the fullness of who God is through us and that is such a beautiful honor. And one day I'll tell you because we were going through a challenging time. I think it was around year two or three, we laugh now, we're almost at your 13 and we can laugh about it now. But then it was very serious and I was, I was what I call compress saying that's what I'm complaining, but I'm praying to God about my husband and

Speaker 3: I

Speaker 1: and I remember I was reading a scripture and it talked about satan and how he was the accuser of the brethren. And this is why I think having a relationship with christ is so important because in that moment I realized that I could be like satan and take to God every single thing that my spouse was doing wrong or I could be like jesus christ, the one who is sitting at the right hand of the father interceding for us daily. And it was in that moment that I was like wow like this, we get we have an opportunity to intercede on behalf of someone daily and we have or we can sit there and act like satan and so in that moment I asked myself which character do you want to take on in your marriage? Because satan is not gonna give up attacking us, he's not gonna quit, he's not, but I have an opportunity to turn that thing around and use that as a point of prayer for my husband, not a point of complaining, not a point of pointing the finger but actually doing something constructive with what I see going on in his life. And it was that moment that was a ah ha moment for me where as if you don't have got, I don't know, I honestly don't know what you were doing those moments because those are the moments where you can almost give up.

Speaker 2: Yeah. Well I think to hitting on what Amy said, I can honestly say, you know if we didn't have our marriage wasn't christ centered and putting God God first, I honestly don't believe we would have made it through the things that we did. You know we both recognize that hey, you know we're mortal were weak, we

Speaker 1: need we need

Speaker 2: guidance, we need help. And so you go to the Lord as a couple and ask for that guidance and for that help. And I honestly don't know how people that don't have um that in their marriage are able to get through the difficult times and the things that um can tear people apart. And I coming back to the first kind of like what I have said is I think that's why the divorce rate is so high as as people turn their backs or you know maybe it's don't believe in God or turn their backs from God and think that they can do things on their own. They find out pretty quickly that it's really tough to do.

Speaker 1: I would even say impossible. I don't know because we are we are selfish beings. Our hearts are wicked without christ and we would go to our own devices and the way that we handle things are just not the way that will bring forth reconciliation. They're not, we would want what's best for us. And as you stated, we are one flesh. And so when we're operating as a team well, um this is one principle that I teach. When you're operating as a team, when you're dealing with conflict, you don't attack your spouse, you attack the issue

Speaker 3: together.

Speaker 1: But with yeah, without christ, you're going to attack each other because you're going to see each other as the issue. And but when in christ, we're facing outwork were attacking the issue that's going on around us. But without christ, you're attacking each other. And I think it's important for us to remember that God has given a strategy to deal with conflict. Conflict alone isn't a bad thing. And what I'm finding in this season is that any time something is wrong, you know, we're in this council culture right now. So any time you don't agree with something, let's just give up on

Speaker 2: it

Speaker 1: and that doesn't work in the body of christ, that does not he's given us all a ministry of reconciliation, so we don't get to just give up.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so true.

Speaker 3: Well, it's so important to remember that there's only one perfect person and it's not us and it's not our spouse. When we start to accuse or attack our spouse, it's like God's like, let me humble you a little bit, you

Speaker 1: know,

Speaker 3: that's how that's how we grow together. I I'll go ahead. I was just gonna say, um I love that you said about, you know, praying for your spouse, I love that challenge that you gave yourself in the morning, you know, how do I how do I really go about my day? Um how did you say it was so perfect?

Speaker 1: Am I going to take on the character of satan and accuse him of everything that he does wrong or the character of christ and intercede on his behalf?

Speaker 3: What if every couple woke up that morning and ask themselves that question and actually live their day under that direction? And that thought,

Speaker 1: I think that for one we will begin to see our spouse the way that God sees them and we will begin to respond to them in a way that would please God. But when you, when you constantly point out someone's flaws, that's how you see them and and that is that is how you're going to treat them, but when you are, when you know that you're praying for them and you're interceding, you're gonna speak what God says about them, even if you don't see it, that's where faith comes in right? It's the substance of things, hoped for the evidence of things not seen. And we do prayer have the ability to shape how we're gonna see our spouse. And if we see them through the eyes of christ, we're gonna treat them a lot better. We're gonna speak words that build them up and not tear them down and we're gonna cover them and protect them and honor them and cherish them and do all the things that God desires for us to do in our relationships.

Speaker 2: Well, I think this is always, you know, it's not a it's not a uh definite thing. I think, you know, you can't just say I'm following God and then I'm following God all the time. You know, it's like a roller coaster. I mean, I think even even if we say we have, we're putting God first in our lives, there's times in our lives where based upon the things that we're going through, we might not feel as close to God, or it's harder to prayer, it's harder to do the things that we need to do. And there's other times that we feel a lot closer, I think as christians, you know, we all experience those times and so, you know, we as we kind of hit on why God is so important in a marriage. You know, how now how can we make God a priority in our marriage? What are the things that we can do to truly make God a priority in our marriage? And I think, you know, it may sound like a simple question, but there are probably a lot of things that we can do to grow our relationship closer to God, which will then enact our, grow our marriage closer to God.

Speaker 1: Yeah, and I love how you put that because I think first it has to be an intimate thing with you as an individual with christ growing into who he has called you to be inhaling in areas where you may have been broken. I think when we try and I don't want to say like when we try and force our spouse to grow at the same rate that we're growing or to do the things that we're doing, then we get to miss out on the beauty of how someone else has a relationship with christ. So I recommend that you spend time with God. However, that looks for you, it could be worship, it could be a devotional time, it could be a walk and just pointing out the attributes of God through nature. I think pointing getting your heart and a posture where you're looking for God and where you're depending on God is what draws us closer to him. And I think also having that once again, that foundational piece on understanding why God has joined you together, I think if you don't know that, it's going to be easy to separate you two, you have to know what God, what is your purpose. And I think when you are seeking, when you both are seeking God and you both understand what he's called you to, it will help you navigate through those seasons, where it is challenging and it takes me back to his where where it has two are better than one. So if one falls, if you're going through a hard season, then guess what? Your spouse is able to carry you through their prayers and their support to help you navigate through that season. But if you are doing that alone, you're gonna fall and no one's gonna know you're falling. If you don't have that, that that relationship with, with christ and with your spouse when they fall, you're gonna leave them falling because you're gonna look like, oh what they should be versus this is my spouse, let me come along side of them and lift them back up. So we have to pray, we have to cultivate that one on one relationship with him and then we have to commune with him daily.

Speaker 2: I love, I love how you said that. You use the word pray and the word communion. Um, and you know, sometimes we think is prayer is all we have to get on our knees and obviously that's the, that's the preferred way to do it. But I know for me, sometimes I'm driving in my car and people are probably looking across at me like I'm crazy or something, but you know, having a conversation with God and sometimes my conversations are you know, pleading with them or getting upset or you know, whatever it is, but I think you know, however we communicate with God is not as important as that. We are communicating with God. You know, we have our maybe our own way of communicating or like you said, going out in the wilderness and just with nature or what have you, but really having that communion with God and and uh you know, almost look at it as like a telephone line. You know, we can pick up the phone anytime and we can talk to him any time, but we also have to be there to listen. Uh it's a two way thing to be able to listen to what he has to say for us. And if we aren't having that communication, you know, it's uh we're gonna not have

Speaker 3: a,

Speaker 2: it's gonna be pretty hard to listen right or understand what he's trying to tell us.

Speaker 1: Yeah, and I didn't say read his word, but I think that's important because I feel like God has spoken to me the most through scripture, just simply opening up my word. And one day I did a study on just on what God what jesus had to say about marriage and that. It just blew my mind all of the, you know what Jesus pointed me right back to the beginning, right back to genesis and just reminding me that though the world has adopted all of these things that is not a part of God's plan. So it really helped me renew my mind about what God's intention is for marriage and things like that just helps you get your heart and a posture to do what god has called you to do and not fall into the traps of what the world is saying is. Okay. I

Speaker 3: love it. Praying for your spouse helps you to see them from God's perspective. Um,

Speaker 1: yes,

Speaker 3: tell us the difference between praying about your spouse and praying for them.

Speaker 1: I did a whole lot of praying about those first five years. I'm serious. That's that's where I got that time. It's like God he needs to or God, can you help him do things the way that I want him to do it or you know, or God he isn't as romantic or whatever it is that's praying about them. But when you say Lord, I thank you for my spouse and I thank you that you fearfully and wonderfully made them like you can hear the difference you fearfully and wonderfully made them, you fashion them after you've helped me to see them the way that you do, helped them to gain the wisdom and insight that they need as your son or as your daughter and then pray for it over their day. Like um last week I just prayed over leadership concerning my husband. Lord allow him to lead the way that you desire for him to lead on his job in our home, in his in his relationships with his parents. Like navigate him through leadership your way. And and I think when you do that you release your expectation of what they need to do and how they need to do it and you give God for rain to do what he has designed to do in their life. And when you decrease those expectations of yours, you're more open to what God is showing you about them. And one thing prayer, praying for them has done it prayer praying for my husband has changed

Speaker 3: me,

Speaker 1: it has changed me, it has given me more grace and patience and compassion towards him because this is God's son, he's not just my husband, this is God's son, this is my brother in christ in the same way I would treat another brother in christ, I need to treat my husband

Speaker 2: so going back I love you know again how you said communicate so you know the things that we can do to make God a priority in our marriage or or be closer to God in our marriage is you know obviously communicate with him but I think that also like like needs to be translated to your spouse as well I think you know just as important it is to talk to God, we need to be talking as a couple and as we talk as a couple, that's also going to bring us closer closer to God and so, you know, I love how you hit on the scriptures as well, you know, we can, how many times have we opened up the scriptures and gotten answers to our prayers are the questions that we have, you know, so those are great things that you brought up and how, you know, things that we can do to make God a priority in our marriages, you know, communicate with God, um open the scriptures and that's the way we can listen and then also communicate with our spouse. Um I'm gonna I'm gonna throw you a little bit of a curve ball here and I'm sure you'll hit it out of the park. But let's talk about how intimacy uh, can can truly bring you closer to God in a marriage. You know, people sometimes, I think intimacies something you probably deal with a lot of people and coaching. That intimacy is a big problem that also can take them further away from God. And you know, one of the things that Amy and I talk a lot about is how God created our bodies a certain way he wants us to be intimate. I think a lot of people feel like, you know, being intimate is not something that God God wants, but he does he build our bodies a certain way. He built a man and a woman a certain way to to cleave to each other and to be attracted to each other in certain, certain things, I guess, you know, were created differently. But man did he create us perfectly because it works. And

Speaker 1: so

Speaker 2: how how can intimacy in marriage and bring us closer to God?

Speaker 1: Yeah, now everybody may not agree with this, I'm going to start out saying that, but I believe the intimacy with your spouse is worship unto God. I I believe that it is a beautiful form of worship unto God. And a lot of people like, whoa, how, Because just like you said, God created us to do this and anything that we do for God that he has created us to do is a form of worship. And I think I first heard I first learned about your app, I was talking to this group of women and it was on intimacy. That's how I first heard about your app and I said this to women and like their face was like, I cannot believe she just said that. I was like, yes, I did. The one woman said, well what do you do when you're tired and you don't want to be intimate with your husband? I said you pray and you ask the Holy spirit to give you that one quick move. That's gonna put your husband to

Speaker 3: sleep,

Speaker 1: you're

Speaker 3: tired.

Speaker 1: Problem solved. But I think a lot of times people don't invite the Lord and to that aspect of their life. And the truth is he can give you positions and he can give you moves and he can give you ways that you both are very well please. Yes you have to communicate with each other. But this is the same God who created your spouse. He knows what they like exhale and I don't know why we asked him about everything else. Why wouldn't you asked him?

Speaker 3: Yeah. Well I want to add to that we were just talking about, well just communicate better. Just do this more. Like we hear these things all the time, we'll just do more of this, or more of this. Like there's usually deeper reasons why that's hard in marriage that we forget that we can take those little tiny tiny things to

Speaker 1: God and

Speaker 3: he will help us with the little little list of things. Even if it's just give me a little more strength for five minutes or whatever it is, you know, or give me that desire to just be unselfish for a few more minutes, which we all need a lot of, you know,

Speaker 2: Well, there is something about intimacy that truly does bring you closer together and, you know, in so many different ways,

Speaker 3: both in a good place.

Speaker 2: Yeah, just just connecting and uh you know, I believe that, you know, again, the more I guess that we aren't intimate and emotionally and physically, um the more we're gonna grow apart. So I think it's so important to have that emotional and physical intimacy and that's something that God wants.

Speaker 1: I find when you are physically intimate, it does open the door for you to communicate more. You do feel closer. Um, and I've even found that when people are hitting those rough spots, they don't want to have intimacy, but then when they allow their flesh to stop ruling them and they do come together, you can see the relief. There are so many benefits. There are just so and only God could have created that many benefits. I was reading a list. I was like, wow, but there there are so many benefits to it. And I feel like when spouses, even if it's scheduled when they are committed to doing that, you can see the benefits of it in their communication and I'm being able to navigate through those challenging times more so, because now the stress has been relieved, you can talk about it with an open heart financial intimacy too. Like I find that people talk about the hard times after they have sex. They talk about everything that's challenging because people are relaxed. And so there are just so many ways that that can help you help bring you closer together and help you get through those seasons where you really don't like each other.

Speaker 3: Yeah. And it's really important not to cut that off in your marriage when things are really hard. And that's another thing that sometimes you have to pray for.

Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely. Pretty

Speaker 3: hard for this. Is actually

Speaker 1: that that you said not to pray not to be selfish, because

Speaker 2: intimacy is very unselfish thing, and

Speaker 3: it's a very vulnerable thing. So when you're talking about vulnerability and I mean, that's what intimacy is. Like, what a perfect like you can't give up that aspect of marriage. You're not gonna get to a place where you're gonna be able to discuss and communicate really hard things. Um This is actually a quote that you said, Are you posted on said the one who created us and knows us most intimately can help us know each other more intimately as well. Amen. And I

Speaker 1: amen. I

Speaker 3: love that.

Speaker 1: Thank you. But he only say that because I know that like, like I said, like you said, you know, marriage is difficult and we all go through seasons and I'll never forget when my husband was pursuing his PhD. I just felt like I was just I mean it required a lot of help. And I remember feeling alone and I just remember the Lord telling me spend this time with me um he he is doing this to help make your life better. And when I drew closer to God, God drew closer to me and I was able to see more of what my husband's, why he was so driven and why he wanted to do that. And now today I get to reap the rewards of the diligence that he had in that season. But think about if I would have given up during that season or if I went off and I just did, who knows what? Instead of drawing closer to God, I would have missed out on this season of life. And I think those moments where you do feel alone and you do feel hurt and you do feel broken. Those are the moments where you have that third chord to cling on to. And that third chord is what helps you get through those seasons and helps you see the spot your spouse, the way that you should, so that you can have the the future that God wants you to have.

Speaker 3: I love that you talked about that because that's a lot of the situation that we went through and it's, it's really hard to put yourself in that mindset at that time. But I think because there was a lot of days where I'm like, I got, I just need you right now. Like, this is hard, this is a total patients test. You know, like he's, well, he's the reason I give him full credit, you know,

Speaker 1: give

Speaker 3: him full credit,

Speaker 2: I think to anyone out there listening to the podcast, um you know, if you're struggling with things, um you know, get with your spouse and decide that you're maybe gonna make got more of a priority in your marriage, and I think you'll see how, you know, a lot of the circumstances, you know, the circumstances might not change immediately, but I think your hearts will change. I think, you know, it'll help your attitude change. You know, as Amy said, you know, we've experienced this in our marriage, you know, there's things we've gone through that we we kind of laugh sometimes and say, there's no couple in the world that would have ever made it through. We made it through, and it is because we have, you know, put God in our lives and God first in our lives, and so, anyone who's kind of struggling out there, you know, um like I said, get with your spouse and decide that you're going to include God in your decision making, in your marriage and your intimacy, and and I think you'll see some things change in your life,

Speaker 3: And in Psalm 147 says he left the broken hearted and bind us up their wounds. Great. Is his power.

Speaker 1: Amen. Amen.

Speaker 3: We

Speaker 1: need God.

Speaker 3: We need him.

Speaker 1: That's

Speaker 3: Yeah. Do you have any do you have any closing remarks you would like to make your so

Speaker 1: awesome. Thank you. I would I would say this, um, back to if you are going through a hard time in your marriage, remember that what you're going through is a fact. But what God has to say about what you're going through is the truth. And the fact is never more important than the truth. Don't rely on the fact, rely on God's word and what he says so that you can navigate through that season and experience what he has for. You don't allow a fact to determine how you are going to see God, how you're going to see your spouse allow God's word to increase your faith so that you can see your spouse the way that you need to see them in that season. And as well as God cling on to God and he will help you navigate through any season that you are facing in there.

Speaker 2: That's great. I think to, you know, a lot of times, sometimes it helps to have have a little bit of help from an expert or someone like yourself. How can our, you know, how can our listeners reach out to you? Um, and contact you.

Speaker 1: You can find me on instagram and facebook at love, harder marriage coaching. And my website is laura gathers dot com. If you need help, don't wait to get help. There's nothing wrong with getting help and getting that help. You are going to sustain your marriage.

Speaker 2: Wonderful!

Speaker 3: Thank you so much for being with us today.

Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. This was a joy. Your

Speaker 3: words are just beautiful. Were very inspired. So thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 2: And of course, don't forget to download the number one marriage and intimacy app. Ultimate intimacy. To help you find ultimate intimacy in your marriage. The ultimate intimacy app can be found in google play and the app store download for free today. Another. Mhm.