The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
241. What To Do When Your Intimate Life Is A Wreck And Your Spouse Won't Talk About it?
There are so many couples living in marriages where there is little to no sexual intimacy happening. Rejection is constant, and many times they are so hurt by the rejection, they stop even trying. They are frustrated, hurt and broken. They have tried talking to their spouse about how they feel, but their spouse doesn't want to talk about it which causes even more hurt and conflict in the relationship.
We have people reaching out to us ALL THE TIME asking us what they can do. We are heartbroken over this. So what can a spouse living in a sexless marriage (or close to) do when their spouse won't talk about it?
in this episode, we share our insight as to what spouses living in this reality can do, and why they should do it. However, this doesn't just work for spouses that are struggling with this, even if you have a great marriage, this is a great way to make it even better by implementing this awesome strategy!
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
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You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is what To Do when your Sex Life Is A Wreck and your Spouse Won't Talk About it. I mean, we get so many people reaching out to us and be like I just I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm in this situation and we say, well, have you talked to your spouse about it? Well, no, I haven't. Or the next response is, yeah, but it always causes a fight or an argument and people just don't know. They either don't dare talk to their spouse about it or they do, and it causes an argument.
Speaker 2:So we have, and so much of this is about sex. Right, it's spouses that are like I want to. I really want to have a better sexual relationship with my spouse, I want to have these conversations, but they just will not have these conversations and I don't know what to do. I mean, we had someone reach out to us just a couple days ago that, if I'm not mistaken, but they said oh, it's been quite a long time since we've been intimate.
Speaker 3:Really long time.
Speaker 2:And like I'm to my wits end, I don't want to live in a marriage like this, like this is not what I signed up for and we get this all the time.
Speaker 3:All the time.
Speaker 2:But they don't know what to do. He says I've tried everything, I've tried to talk into her. She won't talk about it. I am at the end, I don't know what to do. And I want to jump back, because we did a podcast episode about this, I want to say, probably a year, maybe a year and a half ago, and I think it was really powerful. But we have so many new people listening to the podcast that I know that the majority of you have probably not heard of this podcast.
Speaker 2:But we had a gentleman reach out to us probably about a year and a half ago and he was one of these, in one of these situations where he says I've tried everything, my wife just every time we talk about it, it brings up an argument she won't talk about it anymore. He's like I'm seriously to the point where I think I'm just I'm going to be done, I'm done with this marriage. If she doesn't care, why should I care? And he was really frustrated and at the very end I mean this was his last ditch effort to, you know, really just say, ok, I'll try one more thing and then I'm done. So, amy and I advised him. We said why don't you write her a letter and she won't talk. You know she doesn't want to talk to you. Why don't you write her a letter and let her know exactly how you feel and where you want things to be, and just lay everything out on paper, share your feelings? And he agreed to do that.
Speaker 2:So a couple weeks later, we got a response from him and he just said oh my heck, this was the most amazing miracle that ever happened. He says I did exactly what you said. I wrote her a letter. She agreed to sit down. We had a wonderful conversation. He says just within this short period of weeks, they've gone on several dates. They've been intimate a lot more often. The romance is strong. He says our marriage has completely turned around. And so you know, we're not saying that this is anything, it's not. It wasn't our advice that did this. It was trying to approach something in a little bit different way and something that works really, really well. So we wanted to do another podcast episode on this and say hey, if you're, if you're one of these people that's in the situation where your spouse just what doesn't want to talk about things, doesn't want to have these conversations, this is why you should try doing this, and this is why there's probably a very good chance this will work.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, you're just. That was so great.
Speaker 2:She's just staring at my face. Stop it so so I guess first like let's let's talk a little bit about why writing a letter to your spouse is so beneficial and sometimes can be even more beneficial than having having a communication, so to speak.
Speaker 3:Well, first off, we hear from couples all the time that sometimes communication doesn't work if one person's not trained wanting to fix it right, like it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can't force it.
Speaker 3:No, you can't, you can't force it. And then a lot of times, communication is verbal communication. I mean, it's all communication, but verbal communication doesn't work. If it starts an argument, right, some people are checked out and they're like they don't even listen. So this is yeah, this is just a whole other way to communicate but to really get your feelings out. I think sometimes too, it's hard to get our feelings out or express exactly what we want to say, while we're saying it Exactly.
Speaker 3:But this way works because you have time and you can change it and you can add and I don't know like. I just feel like it's it and it's kind of a lost art.
Speaker 2:Well, how often do you get into, like, a discussion or even an argument where you're talking about something and then it starts going a totally different direction, right, well, I did, I don't do this because you don't do this, or it just it just totally gets off the rails and starts going another direction to where you're not even talking about what you wanted to talk about, and I think that happens often I also. I also feel, like writing a letter, you're not putting your spouse in a corner, right? You're not putting them in a corner and attacking them. When you write a letter, you're able to, you're able to really put your thoughts and feelings down on paper, which sometimes is easier to do, as you're able to sit there and really think about things and ponder things and then, like I said, just put them down on paper. I think.
Speaker 2:I think that's, you know, can be very, very beneficial. And how oftentimes too. I'm the first one to admit it, but I'll go into a discussion and then I'll forget what I'm trying to say, or I'll forget, like, important things, right? So when you write a letter, it can be very organized, and what we're going to do in this episode is teach you or show you how to write like the right letter to your spouse.
Speaker 3:And I think letter, like I said before, like I think writing your spouse a letter is kind of a lost form of art, like we, that's what we always see people used to write love notes all the time right, but now it's like a simple text, or now we're just on our phone and we get distracted and we don't even do that anymore.
Speaker 3:So, so, and I also feel like when your spouse hands you a letter which I wish we would have done that when we were kind of at a breaking point but for me it would be like whoa, this like here's like pages of how he's feeling, expressing that he's at a breaking point, that's, that's like eye opening, like I feel like that's like here is like a sign that like I'm really at a really bad place, like I really need you to listen to me, like it's just a different kind of statement.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think too, when you're able to read it over and over again versus, like you're kind of in the heat of the moment, your mind's going everywhere it's really easy to misinterpret things, right, like a spouse will say something, you think you heard one thing, or interpret it one way and they meant something else, where, if something is in writing, the spouse is able to read that, ponder it, and there's going to be a lot less chance of having any misunderstanding or confusion on what they're saying. I mean, it could be just written out and this is how I feel. This is why I feel this way, and so, again, we've actually had several people that have done this and they've come back and said, wow, this worked really well. You know, just putting my thoughts and feelings on paper.
Speaker 3:Well, I just want to add, because I like our podcast to kind of be for for for everybody, like I don't want this podcast to be, like you have to be at a breaking point to learn something yeah exactly.
Speaker 3:So I just want to say, before we get into this, that a lot of you are probably not at some breaking point where you're like I have to write some letter to let myself know.
Speaker 3:You can take this in a whole different approach and even if you're not at that point, if you're, even if you're having a good marriage, the importance of like writing your spouse a nice letter or a nice love note is still super important. Like I think all these aspects don't have to be at a breaking point. Like I think expressing your love on paper just every once in a while, once a year, whatever that looks like to you, can be really, really, really important, because we might have all these like beautiful conversations too in our marriage, but they are never like capped, and Nick's Nick is so good at writing me cards and like leaving me little love notes. I suck at it, but he's really good at it and I've kept every single one for so, especially to a wife. I think that this is so heartfelt to like put your words on paper, and I just wanted to say that before we. I just said that, you know, I just don't want to.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter what, where your marriage is at, you can have the best marriage in the world, and this is still a great, a great show. Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 3:I just don't turn it off because you're like I'm not at a breaking point. This doesn't apply to me. I really think that we can make this apply to everyone, because we can all do better at giving our spouse love in different ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess you know, like the title said, what to do when your spouse won't talk about sex. I think this can apply in so many different areas as well.
Speaker 3:Right, Not just sex, emotional, like for women to hand a husband to be like I want to sexually connect with you. I want more than anything to get that passion back, but I feel like I'm missing this. I feel like I've got this barrier. This is how, this is how I feel about your phone. Like it's really hard for a lot of people, even people that have really good marriages to come to their spouse and say this is where I'm struggling and just be open and honest about it. Sometimes can be really hard. So, no matter what you're struggling, maybe it's not your sex Like, maybe it's the emotional connection, maybe it's Like something to do with your kids, like whatever it is like. This is a great way to Acknowledge an issue that can be resolved.
Speaker 2:Yep, all right. So let's dive in and talk about what this, what this letter or expression should look like or could look like exactly. So first start out with like a, a warm greeting, or something like hey, sweetheart, know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
Speaker 2:It's not just, like you know, jim or Sally or whatever, like like express. Hey, sweetie, I just wanted to write you this letter and let you know, first off, how much I love you, how much I appreciate you and how much you mean to me and, you know, share something very heartfelt and and nice.
Speaker 3:At this point of the letter. Being a woman, I would almost add like, like maybe a past like I. This is why I fell in love with you. I still have these feelings like we might be going through some really hard times, but those feelings are deep down inside of me. They're not gone. We just need to bring them back, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly which leads us into the next part, was it, which is express your feelings and be really open and honest with how you feel Regarding your relationship or the intimacy. And I think the most important thing is, so many people can do this wrong, as they can start pointing the finger and saying you don't do this or you don't do this. Don't do that at any time.
Speaker 2:That's ever in this, in this part, talk about how you feel and really use I statements and you know like I Feel really disconnected from you right now when we don't talk about our intimacy in our relationship.
Speaker 3:I feel really sad about this.
Speaker 2:I really want our relationship to get to a better point. Yep, I mean, use statements like that and be really, really clear and and articulate exactly the, the concern or what you're trying to, you know, express. Don't don't beat around the bush and say I wish, I wish we were making love more often, like you.
Speaker 3:Really get into details about what you, what you, your concern is, or what you're trying to express and why, and when we get into the why about if it is a sexual intimacy thing, you have to explain to your wife why sexual intimacy isn't just sex to you I mean, we always talk about this why you feel loved through that, why you feel emotionally connected. To explain to her because, like I always say, we are created differently. Like for me, I don't understand how he feels and he needs to explain to me why sex makes him feel emotionally connected to me. Like the more I hear that, the more I Understand why it's so important and so, when you're not having those constant Discussions, this is a great time to be like this is why this means so much to me, or this is why I feel so connected.
Speaker 2:Wouldn't you say and I can't put words in your mouth, but what you say earlier on in our marriage you thought sex was just a physical release for me, right?
Speaker 3:I absolutely thought that Sex was more sex at the beginning of our marriage. It was more physical and and after being married 22 years, I 100% realized that for Nick it's more emotional than it is physical, even though it's physical too.
Speaker 2:I realized that deeper Reason for it and why it's so connecting, and that took a lot of discussions but a lot of people are not having well, and, I think, constantly hearing in our polls, every single guy Amy does all the polls and Every week she's constantly hearing from every single guy that it's not about sex, it's about emotional connection, it's about being loved, it's about this, it's about this, and I think, when you see that Hundreds or thousands of different men saying the same thing over and over, so that is what you need to express in your, in your letter.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:I totally agree and then, you know, really try to understand their perspective of things to, you know, really be sensitive and and respect how they're feeling or Maybe what their look is About the certain situation, like, hey, I know that you know it's not realistic to probably make love, you know, five times a week and that's not what I'm asking, but I just really would, you know, like to talk about this, or you know, just, I guess, just really try to empathize, well, show empathy and try to look at their perspective and understand where they're coming from as well.
Speaker 3:I think the purpose of this letter, if the sexual intimacy is really struggling, is to look deeper than the sexual intimacy Like. If you're at this point, something is a barrier there. There has either been a big issue in your marriage there was some betrayal maybe, maybe there was, there's still, some serious resentment, maybe there's major lack of attraction, like something has become a barrier. If you're at a point in your marriage right when you're feeling like your spouse will not talk about, listen to about it, communicate it about, I feel like this letter has to go deeper than I feel like I need this, this or this.
Speaker 2:It has to go a lot deeper.
Speaker 3:I want to solve this deeper issue with you. I want you to know that I'm standing by your side, like I committed to you. I want that passion of marriage back, and I know that you do too. I know that we signed up for a passion of marriage when we got married. I want that back, let's please. I just want to solve this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this should be burying out your soul.
Speaker 3:Right, right, right, and it's good to bury your soul, even if you're not at a breaking point.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think that's important and I think we're gonna do a podcast on masculinity, femininity, just that balance, because it looks different to everyone, but I think it's important to realize that a loving, mature, healthy marriage it's okay to be a husband and express your love and your vulnerable side, like I think that's very important. So many men are taught that I shouldn't be vulnerable, I should hold this kind of stuff in, my needs aren't as important. All those things are absolutely false. Like you absolutely should be able to be very honest and vulnerable with your wife and your wife should respect and adore you for that. Like I think that's important yeah.
Speaker 3:I think a lot of men hold back because that's what we were taught to do. Yeah, they think that that makes them look weak. I don't think at all that a husband look weak. It shows him, it shows his wife that he's a human being with emotions, with and needs. Like that's important, that's very important. We got to get off this. Like it's not masculine to do this or makes me look weak, or that's got to go. That's for a loving marriage that has to leave.
Speaker 2:Yeah, glad you brought that up. Next part of the letter is really expressing your desire for improvement, as you're clearly, I guess, communicating your desire to work together and improve different things, whether it's intimacy in your relationship or whatever. It is just really reassure your spouse as to how committed you are to strengthen your relationship, or doing what you're talking about in that letter Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Now I think it's really important to offer solutions and I can't even talk, so offer solutions and suggestions. You know, ideas such as hey, I really felt feel like if we started doing regular date nights, that would bring us closer together as a couple. And I Really feel like if we scheduled sexual intimacy, I or I really feel like if I started helping around the house more, maybe I could do a, b and c. That would take a little bit of pressure off of you and allow us more time to be intimate. You know, really really offer some, some solutions and, you know, don't come across as like I Guess.
Speaker 2:I was just gonna say Dictating what those are going to be like. I'll do this or, you know, have it be what do you need?
Speaker 2:Yeah, what do you need? Which which is exactly the next part of the letter, which talks about, well, leaving the door open for discussion, right, right. So, but before we jump into that, you know, end on a positive note, like I Really want to get our relationship back to where it was before. I really miss what where we were at and I love you, know, I love you so much and I want to, I want to get back to where we were at.
Speaker 3:Depending on where you're at in your marriage. If you're at a breaking point, maybe it's like can I have a second chance? Can I, can we start over? If you're not at a breaking point and you would just like a more exciting, romantic marriage, maybe it's more. I really want to step up, I want this to be romantic for you and passion. I want that those feelings back like let's, let's work together to Get to this kind of stage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the great thing about this letter, like Amy said for the outline, is you can have a Fantastic marriage and this, this will still work very well with whatever You're trying to express, even if even if all you're doing is expressing your, your love and desire to continuously improve your relationship. This is a great outline and a great Format for a letter like this Absolutely great. Then, finally, like I said, leave the door open for discussion. You want to, at the end of the letter, you know, say hey, I, I really want to talk with you more about this and get your thoughts and really see how you're feeling about this and and what your desires are and, you know, really showing them that you truly care about what they think and what their input is, because their input might be totally different than what you're thinking.
Speaker 2:Absolutely and obviously, obviously working together as a team, as we always talk about absolutely.
Speaker 3:That's all you have to add it's just, it's really, really hard, because if a spouse, a wife or a husband is completely checked out Like they're, literally I don't want to talk anymore. I'm just kind of done. Let's just live like roommates. You're at a really hard place. Like you have a really big decision to make and this is like a last straw right, like I have done everything in my power. But remember Husbands that are in this situation. Your wife a Lot of husbands tell me this all the time my wife doesn't care about intimacy.
Speaker 3:Her body she just has lowly be it, does it literally doesn't even like Matter to her, like she could go the rest of her life without ever making love and be totally fine, like it doesn't matter to her. I think it's important to remember that she probably didn't Wasn't like that when you first got married, right? Most likely I bet your first few months or first year or whatever was Probably passionate, because women have drives too. They just change and usually it's caused by something. There's a reason why they make chick flicks. I'm just gonna say it. Women are driven to passion and romance. They are. That's wired inside of us, and we are intimate creatures.
Speaker 3:Like men, we just barriers. Wreck that quicker for us right, like where, where you have a barrier and a husband is like I need sexual intimacy to kind of fix this barrier, we get a barrier and that's not usually the quick fix. It's usually a barrier stops us from wanting that and so it's Porn. It's so important at this point to be like why? What was that barrier? Something for your wife Cause that, like whether you made a mistake, or whether she's bored, or whether she's had a health issue, or whether she's distracted or she has her own addictions, like Finding the deeper issue to why the sexual intimacy is struggling is always the most important, and that's where this letter comes is like what is that emotional reason? What is going on that caused this and how do we fix this? There's always, there's usually I don't say always there's usually a fix to why a wife has checked out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like that, and if you do feel like there's barriers that you need to figure out beyond, maybe this letter or what have you. We have the sexual intimacy marriage blueprint, which is a phenomenal workbook, I mean. It talks about all the barriers that keep couples from having the sexual intimacy they decide. All the barriers.
Speaker 3:It's got questions like you wouldn't normally think of asking your spouse. If you sat down with that blueprint and said we're going by it, I just the last thing that we can possibly do please sit down and have this discussion with me. It will take you through every single barrier why that barrier might be there and how, like exact, direct questions to ask your spouse to work through that barrier. But you have to both and this is the key both people have to be willing to want to make a marriage work, for a marriage to work. And this letter, like writing a letter like this, showing and expressing how much you love someone, can really help get you to the point where like, okay, maybe we have a last conversation, or maybe we have a conversation about this and give it another chance, because that's what marriage is about forgiving and healing and giving chances, because nobody's perfect. There was barriers in our marriage. There's probably going to be barriers in your marriage, or there's a massive barrier in your marriage right now. They can be broken down.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. If you're one of these couples that the spouse doesn't want to talk about sexual intimacy and you've tried everything, do our advice, or our challenge to you this week is write a letter to your spouse talking about the things that we've just talked about and see how it works. Let us know. And if you're a couple that has a great marriage and you feel like things are going great, still do this.
Speaker 2:Write a letter to your spouse. Let them know how you feel and if there's something in your relationship that you feel you want to get better, we challenge you to also write this letter and let us know how it works and what it does for you and your relationship, and I think it'll be something that will really impact your relationship in a good way. Like Amy said, this is something that I love doing and I still do once or twice a year and also just showing appreciation and things like that as well. So let us know how it goes, what you think of this podcast episode and, if you feel comfortable, please leave us a review. We'd love to have your review in our podcast. So until next time, we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.