The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
255. This Might Be One Of Our Most Simple, Yet Important Episodes Ever... Say These 3 Very Simple Things
Words and phrases are VERY powerful and can often have life changing effects both good and bad depending on how we are using them. But can saying these 3 things to your spouse daily really transform your relationship?
That answer is yes.. they can, and they will, and we talk about how and why!
In this episode, Nick and Amy share 3 things that you should say to your spouse daily that will change everything. If there is an episode that can have the most impact on your relationship, this might be the one!
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 700,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
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You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy, and today's episode is say these three things to transform your marriage. Did I get that?
Speaker 3:right. Say these three things, you mean sentences. Say these three sentences we're going to call this one. These three magic phrases will change your intimacy.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, there you have it. There, you have it there you have the title, so I must admit I wouldn't say I'm ripping this off, but we heard a talk from our church and these are some of the things they talked about and I thought you know what that is like amazing. And that is such simple advice and yet these three things probably more than anything else we've ever talked about in 250 episodes or whatever we're at I don't know these three things probably can be the most powerful for a people's marriage.
Speaker 3:Hmm, hmm, yeah, I agree, I agree. And guess what I'm going to full on. Admit something right now.
Speaker 2:Okay, I suck at saying these.
Speaker 3:Well I, it's okay, I do. I'm just going to flat out say I'm not very good at this, Like.
Speaker 2:I, I would say, most people aren't.
Speaker 3:I look at all three of these and I'm like those should be really easy to say and Nick always says them first. I will give you full credit. You always say all three of these phrases first, and you're way better at it.
Speaker 2:That's okay, that's not I mean. I think it's hard. These are hard it that's okay, that's not I mean.
Speaker 3:I think, I think it's hard these are hard to say it is.
Speaker 1:I think it is.
Speaker 3:One of them's not super hard to say, but you always beat me to it.
Speaker 2:So, anyways, I guess and one of them is extremely hard to say- A lot of people call you Super Husband, nick.
Speaker 3:I'm going to agree with that on this episode. You are super husband, nick, when it comes to saying these three phrases well, I'll get on this so I hope that everyone listening this, this episode can humbly be like I. Either I either need to do better at saying these or I'm pretty good at this and I'm going to pat myself on the back.
Speaker 2:Okay, so we're not going to give them all up to you now, but we'll go through each one of them and we'll talk about why quickly. The benefits of saying what they say.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:We're going to start Right there, right there.
Speaker 2:Okay, the first one, the first phrase or things that you should say pretty much every day is the first is saying I'm sorry every day well, okay, or just whenever, but like when you actually need to say. I'm sorry but say I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:That is a hard phrase to say, especially if you're feeling hurt during the conflict or whatever happened like if you feel hurt, it's hard to say I'm sorry, okay, but imagine you're in an argument, right, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're in an argument. Imagine if I say you know what? I am so sorry, I apologize, it's my fault. Versus if I never say that, what is going to be the difference? There's going to be substantial difference.
Speaker 3:It seems like maybe, maybe I'm I don't know if I'm right on this or not it seems like every couple probably has that one person that's a little more humble and has an easier time saying I'm sorry, and then you've got another spouse that, like, has a harder time saying it, do you think? Do you think most marriages are like?
Speaker 2:yeah, or there's some marriages that just they're both.
Speaker 3:They're both. They both have a hard time with it. For sure, yeah, because I think here.
Speaker 2:Here's my opinion. I don't know if I'm right, I don't have any you know thing to back this up, but I think saying I'm sorry can kind of be how do I like rub off on the other person, right Like if, if a spouse is constantly saying, hey, you know what, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, naturally that other spouse is going to say, man, you know, they're going to start looking inward and probably start saying I'm sorry more often too. I think it's one of those things that will kind of rub off or influence the other spouse too, just like anything else, right Like.
Speaker 3:I think, like in our marriage, I think I have a harder time saying I'm sorry. But the minute Nick says that, or I'm sorry that you feel that way, or whatever it is, I'm usually like, I'm sorry too, like.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry it literally changes the atmosphere it's kind of one of those things like we talk about where who goes first, right, like neither one wants to go first, but the second one, some spout, one of the spouses says you know what? I'm really sorry, it just number one. It diffuses, it immediately resolves the conflict.
Speaker 3:It really does. It really does, Like once you say if it's, if it's meaningful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if it's meaningful, it. The conflict at that point ends, you can move on with your life.
Speaker 3:But it should end, unless you're an arguer and you won't let it end.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say for most couples, if it's a sincere apology, it's going to end the argument or the conflict. So that's one of the great reasons why you should say it.
Speaker 3:I know you're rolling your eyes because you're like I am sorry. Really, that's one of the magical phrases. If you literally started tomorrow and every single time you felt like you did something that hurt your spouse in any way and you automatically just said I'm so sorry and you meant it, that would change your marriage absolutely. That would change.
Speaker 2:I mean the second thing it does is it gets rid of the pride, right, like, instead of having the attitude of saying, oh, I'm not wrong, I'm not saying I'm sorry, it's their fault. Yeah, right, like even just something as simple as saying you know what, at the end of the day, doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, I made her feel bad, even if, even if I'm right or whatever, like I made her feel bad, or or it's not worth it, like what I'm sorry. And it doesn't have to be always be like a I'm sorry, I was wrong. It can be, like Amy said, it can be you know what? I'm so sorry I made you feel that way.
Speaker 3:I'm sorry that it came across like that I'm sorry that I don't understand what you're what you're saying or what you're feeling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like it doesn't.
Speaker 3:yeah, like you said, it doesn't have to be like I'm sorry I was wrong. You can say I'm sorry that I'm not understanding you right now. Like even just that tone of voice makes your spouse kind of calm down and be like okay, maybe I just need to calm down and talk about this in a better tone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and I think the other thing that this causes is more enhanced communication. Like when you say I'm sorry, it's going to lead to better communication to be able to talk about things versus putting up a wall. You notice so often when you're arguing and no one's willing to say sorry, immediately your walls go up and you stop talking and you just get pissed and go the other way, right. So saying I'm sorry lowers things. That stops it and enhances the communication.
Speaker 3:Can you imagine the change if a couple is arguing and it's getting heated and one person said I'm sorry that I'm fired up, I'm sorry that I'm kind of losing control right now, like I'm sorry that I'm upsetting you? If one person did that, it literally changes the entire tone of the conversation right, exactly.
Speaker 2:Another thing is it shows respect by by apologizing and saying I'm sorry. It demonstrates that you actually care about your spouse's feelings, uh, that you value the relationship and you're taking you know their, their thoughts, their feelings into consideration. It's also a very it creates humility. Right, right, it's a very hard thing to say. You know what I'm so sorry. It is hard, it creates humility, it knocks down the pride, it makes you humble. I mean it just overall. There's so many things that this simple thing does and they're all positive.
Speaker 2:There's no negatives at all about saying I'm sorry no, and it really is a magical word and then I think the final one, like it creates forgiveness, right, yeah it just allows you to move on right.
Speaker 3:nobody wants to be stuck on resentment or something that triggered somebody Like that's the whole point of having a great marriage is like moving on and actually forgiving.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, and then I think one more final one is it rebuilds trust. Sorry, it it really is starting that process of rebuilding trust and acknowledging um that you are sincere and and for sure I mean just so many positive things. All right, so saying I'm sorry, do that often in your marriage. The second thing is saying thank you.
Speaker 3:I know, Big shocker, Big shocker. This is, like I know, life changing right. These words are like you've never heard this before.
Speaker 3:Okay, it is a magical word to say thank you. Most husbands, most husbands that have taken some of our polls and said what I want more in our marriage than anything is appreciation. Like so many husbands have said, all I feel like is a paycheck. I feel like I'm never appreciated or I never make enough money, or I never do enough or I'm never good enough. And some wives too, obviously. But just that simple. When your spouse walks in the door, thank you for working so hard today, or thank you for doing the dishes, or thank you for being such a great mother.
Speaker 3:Like that is like changing for people, exactly.
Speaker 2:So imagine a situation so simple as your spouse does the dishes right, you come up and you give him a hug and you say thank you so much for doing that. That helped out greatly.
Speaker 3:It doesn't even mean it wasn't his job.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It just means you're grateful that he did it, Do you think?
Speaker 2:what do you think is going to happen? He's going to be like oh my heck, I want to do more for you, right, Like it naturally is going to be, like he's going to want to do. He or she is going to want to do more for you because they, they feel like you are grateful I'm.
Speaker 3:I'm bad at this one because I do so many dishes and I always cook and blah, blah, blah and I'm always cleaning the kitchen and like deep cleaning it, and like nick will come in and wipe the counter, do the dishes, and I'm like, oh, that's why should I have to say thank you for that? I literally do it 10 times a day, right, but when I let my pride go and I say thank you for cleaning up or or thank you for doing this, stupid dishes, I mean, it's both people's jobs. But like when you even just say thank you, that literally doesn't just change, make your spouse feel good, it's good for you, like internally, like it does something to you, it changes your attitude of that's not even my job or the score keeping or any of those kind of things.
Speaker 2:It's like I literally feel more appreciative in my life, like I feel more positive when that word comes out, right yeah, I mean like okay, we all go to restaurants, right, and you know, a lot of us probably notice, like the people that are at the tables that are really grateful, or maybe we're one of them, maybe we aren't, but the server serving us like brings us some water, like hey, thank you so much, appreciate it, and then brings us food, or then you have your people that they never say thank you and nothing's ever good enough, right?
Speaker 3:They just expect service, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think I talked about this in a previous podcast is you can see the difference in the happiness in someone who's appreciative and someone who's not appreciative. 99.9% of the time, the people who are not saying thank you are going to have expectations. They're going to get pissed easily, they're going to be ungrateful, they're going to be miserable. Nothing's ever going to be good enough. And then it's the people that are appreciative and I've also noticed this in situations too where, like Amy and I do, marriage retreats right and most of the time things go perfectly. But occasionally you get something like we had a. We had a retreat, um last year and the road. So we're up hiking and the road got closed down because someone fell and hike fell on a hike and the helicopter was up there.
Speaker 2:It was literally like like getting the people, and my first thought is like oh man, I hope no one's upset Like we don't we had to wait in the heat for probably 30 to 40 minutes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I was like, oh man, I hope no one's going to be upset or mad. And the opposite happened. Everyone in the group started praying for that person up there and everyone was like so grateful, like oh, we don't care, we just hope he's okay. And those people were all such good and happy people. It could have very easily been like where's this bus? Why do we have to wait? I'm sweating, it's too hot out here.
Speaker 2:My point is is by simply saying thank you, and expressing that often is going to completely transform the way you look at life, the way you look at your spouse, the happiness in your life. And again, if you don't believe me, just observe the people that are happy. You're probably going to see them being very appreciative, showing gratitude, saying thank you. And the people that are not happy in life are the ones that are not saying thank you, showing appreciation. I really believe that ingratitude is probably one of the biggest sins that we can commit. When we're not grateful to our spouse, when we're not grateful to God, when we are not appreciative, I really think that we're going to be, at the end of the day, we're going to be judged on how we treat other people, how appreciative we are, how grateful we are for the things that we have.
Speaker 3:Love it. I think that thank you is a magical word and I think if you made a goal in your marriage to say thank you to your spouse one time a day, every day, for the next week, I would think. I think that you would see the atmosphere in your marriage change.
Speaker 2:No question, no question. It's interesting Like I. How do I say this? It's interesting Like I, how do I say this? So, growing up, my parents, one of the things they always really ingrained in me was to be grateful for everything. And it's funny. I go to restaurants and I think, look, I think this is an area that I have a lot of weaknesses, but I think this is an area that.
Speaker 2:I was strong in this area, that I have a lot of weaknesses, but I think this is an area that I was strong in this area and it's interesting as I've looked at my kids, I noticed that all my kids, as we go out to eat and say things like that, they're always saying thank you. Every time the waitress or waiter brings a water, or every time something is, they're always saying thank you and I'm like well, even just our 11 year old.
Speaker 3:every night, thanks for dinner, mom, or thanks for taking me to the store, mom, or thanks for buying me that treat, or thanks for picking me up. I'm like that's pretty good for an 11-year-old to notice that, and I think that we teach our kids how to treat people right. We teach, I mean they watch us and learn from us, and I want to agree you're really good at saying thank you.
Speaker 2:Well, the point.
Speaker 2:I was going to try to make is sometimes when I'm at dinner I'm like, oh my heck, I'm saying thank you way too often, like I'm probably driving this person nuts, right. But it's interesting. I can see even the attitude in the waitress or waiter who is serving us dinner or whatever I can see, and when we're constantly saying thank you for everything, it's almost like you can see a change in them too as to how they want to provide customer service and serve you and things like that. It really is contagious. It is it's contagious.
Speaker 2:So the second one is learn to say thank you and say that on a daily basis to your spouse. Daily basis, daily basis, the final one, everybody can guess. The final one is saying I love you I know, shocker, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:I thank you, I love you. I love you is number one. Nick is so good at this too.
Speaker 2:Gosh, you are super husband oh, I'm sorry, I need to adjust my hat. I'm always like love you too, nick's like I love you always like love you too, nick's.
Speaker 3:like I love you so much. I love you too. Like I'm definitely not the one that does it first and it's okay.
Speaker 2:That's okay, you've got a lot of strengths. But I think saying I love you is naturally going to lead to the actions, to the actions. So if you say I love you, you know how much I love you, you know how much I appreciate you, that's naturally going to lead to the actions. Absolutely. It's really interesting. You hear a lot of spouses say that. Well, we don't need to say I love you, because my spouse already knows that my spouse already knows it.
Speaker 2:Like that's a bunch of crap, right, yep? Like your spouse needs to hear that, and Not only needs to hear that, but obviously we'll see the actions as well.
Speaker 3:I do believe that your actions speak louder than your words and, like I always say, love is a verb. So you can't say I love you and then not give your spouse the emotional intimacy and the kindness and the caring and all those things that you need. But saying I love you is very, very important and then showing it Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3:Absolutely Like saying I love you. There's so many husbands or wives that say my husband never like I know he loves me, but he just isn't very good at saying it. Like saying it to each other on a daily basis can change your marriage.
Speaker 2:No, you're exactly right. I mean, it's so powerful, those words are so powerful and again, I've said it a hundred times those words typically lead to action. I also think it's very important for your kids to hear you saying I love you to each other.
Speaker 3:I agree with that.
Speaker 2:I mean, they're gonna see that that's gonna show them a great example of what a good marriage is like and also how to express love, just kind of like I shared with my kids and saying thank you. Hopefully that's something that they'll carry over, uh, to their relationship as well and express to their spouse how much they love them. I mean, again coming back to it, if you, if you look at couples that are saying I love you, it typically is also expressed that way I love. I love the Gormans that do our marriage retreat, um, as they're up there giving. I love the Gormans that do our marriage retreat as they're up there giving their instruction. Sometimes they'll say I love you and just express it.
Speaker 2:So, cute, and then it's like a rub or a hug or whatever and you're like man, they are in love and you can tell because they're expressing that not only through the words but through the actions.
Speaker 3:I think that every spouse this is my thoughts I think every time you leave the house you should say love you, like I think that's really important because you never know, like, if something's gonna happen like I, I don't want to like say, oh, that's, we should always live like we just never know, but we kind of should, yeah right and why and why would? You not say I love you every time you leave the house?
Speaker 2:it's simple, it's meaningful and it will change your marriage and why would you assume that your spouse knows just because you're living together like couples fall out of love all the time absolutely if you were, if you were expressing these three things on a daily basis on I'm sorry, thank you and I love you, what are the chances that you're going to have a crappy marriage?
Speaker 3:Probably not.
Speaker 2:Probably almost a 0% chance. Like these three things, these three sayings, are going to create such an amazing positive and loving environment between the two of you. How could you not see transformational things in your marriage?
Speaker 3:I bet that the conflict and the resentments, like whatever, is Like hurting your relationship. If you implement these words daily For a few weeks, I bet you'll see that change. I bet you'll see a lot of the conflict go away. I think you'll see the atmosphere in your marriage change. I think you'll see more positivity in your marriage and that's when intimacy gets better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd say just wrapping up look at the world, look at how divided we are in everything. If you look at these three sayings, these three things, these are not being said in the world. You don't hear people in the world saying I'm sorry, no, right, no. You don't hear people in the world saying thank you no. You don't hear people in the world saying I love you, like. These three things are three things that are 100% for the most part.
Speaker 2:I can't say 100% for the most part, but in society in general, like these three things are completely excluded from the human language nowadays, and so how much more important it is that we keep saying these things within our marriage. Again, I promise you you do these things. These three things alone are going to encompass every other thing that we've ever talked about, Whether it's conflict resolution, having better emotional intimacy, having better sexual intimacy, you name it. Saying these three things are going to completely change every other thing that I think we've ever talked about.
Speaker 3:And if your spouse isn't good at these three things, start doing them yourself and watch them get better at it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I would say for the next couple of weeks, make it your goal, as a couple or individually, to say these three things on a daily basis. I'm sorry, thank you. I love you, yep, and I think you'll see great change in your marriage.
Speaker 3:Great. So, a little bit shorter. Shorter, but pretty direct and pretty simple and pretty magical yeah, magic words.
Speaker 2:So let us know what you think of the podcast. We always love hearing from all of you. We hear from a lot of you, amy. At ultimateintimacycom It'll either be myself or Amy responding Usually Nick, usually Nick and just let us know how you enjoy the podcast. And if you do enjoy the podcast, please again consider leaving us a review. We'd appreciate it. We very much appreciate it. We love doing these and, as I always say, for the amount of people listening to the podcast, we should have thousands of reviews.
Speaker 3:And we appreciate your support. If you need any awesome intimate products, our podcast is sponsored by our own store ultimate intimacy products and we have a new couples box. That is awesome because our new position, deck two, is out and we also have a new product. If you didn't already know, that is amazing. It's the top seller and both of those products are in the new box. So if you need a great anniversary gift, um, just a gift to buy your spouse because you love them where can they find that shopultimateintimacycom?
Speaker 2:I'm gonna make a new jingle. Wow, that was beautiful, so shopultimateintimacycom.
Speaker 1:Have a great day.