The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
277. The Habits A Wife Should Stop Doing For A More Peaceful And Intimate Marriage
There are many habits that a wife can get into if they are not careful, that can cause disconnect and conflict in the marriage. Habits are things are being done or said constantly and could include, nagging, complaining and other things. Sometimes these habits are completely understandable and justified... but often times can turn into "habits" that occur regularly and become normal in the relationship.
In this episode, Nick and Amy discuss the habits that wife's should stop doing to have a better and intimate marriage. Don't worry ladies, we are going to do an episode on the men as well :)
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You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:It's the habits a wife should stop doing for a more peaceful and intimate marriage. With the ultimate intimacy podcast with Nick and Amy, and before you do what you're already doing, as we can read your mind yes, we are going to do one for the husbands as well, so stay tuned for that as well and relax that one's going to be coming also, so then you can. Then you can blame each other and say here's the things you need to stop doing no no blame.
Speaker 2:I'm joking. They know I'm joking. They've listened to us enough by now maybe, unless they're new.
Speaker 3:If you're new, welcome these are really. Yeah, if you're new, welcome and nick's always full of jokes, so don't don't freak out yeah, if you're new, welcome and we'll say we're sorry too.
Speaker 2:I'll apologize for some of the things that come out of my mouth A little early, premature, oh that's funny. But these habits? And why do we say habits? These are the things that a wife is probably constantly doing.
Speaker 3:Constantly doing would be a habit right.
Speaker 2:So that would be a habit, and that's why we're naming it the habits that you gotta stop doing for a peaceful and intimate marriage and some husbands do these things too.
Speaker 3:So we're not just saying it's always the wife that does these awful things in the marriage. We're not saying that it's just. These are the things that most husbands have commented about or take polls about what if their wife would stop doing these things, there would probably be more peace and calmness in the marriage.
Speaker 2:And yes, this is about the wives, because again, we will be doing one about the husbands.
Speaker 3:Yes, so we are focusing on the wives.
Speaker 2:So if you get frustrated and offended, then it's probably because you're doing some of these things.
Speaker 1:You have no humility.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, we. We're just gonna say it how it is.
Speaker 2:You're, we're just gonna say it how it is. That's right. All right, let's. Let's dive into this okay.
Speaker 3:Number one is always nagging that dreaded word nagging. And you know what's funny about this one. It always starts a fight when anyone like says my wife always nags and the wife always says I wouldn't have to nag if you would just listen to me the first time, Right?
Speaker 2:Which will go into one of the other ones, that's right.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:It's true, though, like I just spit on you, it's true, I love your shit. Like let's think about this one for a minute.
Speaker 2:Let's get a little deeper. On nagging, that's a big thing.
Speaker 3:No husband wants to be nagged but that's the whole thing is like. Sometimes a wife has to nag because he literally doesn't listen. This goes both ways. So I, I know we're, I know we're talking about the wives here, but we've got to have a conversation about this. It is what it is okay like if I have to nag you and say, will you, hey, would you get this done? Hey, hey, remember, like I would really like you if you could just get that done for me and then a day later it's still not done. Hey, I really can't do this. Can you please get this done today? And the husband still doesn't do it so wife is now.
Speaker 3:Now, the wife is now automatically nagging but that to me, that's not nagging.
Speaker 2:Nagging is.
Speaker 3:What is?
Speaker 1:that to you.
Speaker 2:Well it's just like reminding them to get it done.
Speaker 3:Nagging, but he will not listen. So when does it turn into nagging?
Speaker 2:When you start getting like sarcastic and like you know.
Speaker 3:But isn't a normal human being going to start getting a little bit petty about it? It's just literally being ignored.
Speaker 2:And I am going to agree with the wives if your husband does not get things done, um, you have every right to be frustrated and be nagging. Yeah, I, I will stand up for the wives I just want to say there's got to be a healthy balance there but a lot of times nagging happens not by like constantly trying to get your husband to do something, it's just nagging him and making him feel like he never gets anything right. And it could be the very first thing like you never do this you're always this and nagging.
Speaker 2:Nagging, to me, is more about that okay, so let's change nagging, let's.
Speaker 3:Let's talk about what nagging actually is. Nagging in an unhealthy way to you is more like whining, yeah, and it's like toneining, yeah, and it could be. It's like tone of voice, right, yeah, and it could be the very first time.
Speaker 2:Like it could be just constant nagging about things that I didn't even know. Right, it's one thing. If, like you're like hey, could you please get this done and I don't do it, you have every right to be on me and I'm a horrible husband if I don't do it.
Speaker 3:Right, no, husband if I don't do it right. No, I don't think a guy's horrible because no, but I mean like sometimes women get need to get reminded too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but again nagging to me it's, like you know, just constantly belittling and getting on them for things they don't even know you know they needed to do okay well, most women like like uh, quit making those sounds, or quit doing this, or quit doing this, and I go okay sorry sorry.
Speaker 3:But what you're saying is pretty much. It's usually like tone of voice or how it's done, right, yes.
Speaker 3:So if, if nagging is a problem in your marriage, change like, maybe change how you feel about that word. Maybe your wife isn't nagging, maybe she's. If she's reminding, then you can't look at that as nagging. If you're literally not doing something that you said you would do and she has to keep reminding you, that might come across to you as nagging, when really she's reminding you and you've got her like there is a balance there because if you're happy if you're having to literally keep reminding your spouse of something they said they would do.
Speaker 3:It's going to get annoying, right Like we can both admit that, absolutely so don't make your wife nag.
Speaker 2:You guys know what nagging means, you know what nagging is.
Speaker 3:You don't need to say anything else.
Speaker 2:You don't need to explain.
Speaker 3:Okay, Just try to just I think the whole point is remember that your tone of voice in everything really affects your spouse and affects your, your own mindset too and don't don't assume, they can read your mind well that's the next one oh okay, you jumped ahead my bad actually that's what we're doing is jumping to the next one. Um, I think that's where the nagging comes.
Speaker 3:They go hand in hand for sure, you can't expect your like this is like one of the biggest things too. Like I don't want to jump into this because we already did the scorekeeping one. But the normal wife will say I don't know why and I've said it plenty of times I'm guilty. I don't know why you can't just look around and see what needs to be done, why I have to constantly be asking you to do the dishes, or I help the laundry to clean off the counter, pick up this or whatever. I don't understand why I have to tell you to do that. It's right in front of your face. That's kind of like one of the big fights of all marriages, right?
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 3:Happened to us.
Speaker 2:We talked about this the other day.
Speaker 3:We did talk about this the other day, so we're not going to dive into that, but I think it's, and Nick always reminds me I don't look at things the same as you do. Just maybe could you give me a little reminder. Could you maybe just say hey, I would love it if you did this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because most husbands are going to be like yeah absolutely I'll take care of it.
Speaker 3:Sure yeah.
Speaker 2:Instead of like assuming that they should know, and then you're building up that resentment and getting mad, like most husbands are like hey, babe, do you mind doing this? Oh yeah, absolutely Happy to do it. Problem solved, and I'm sorry. Our brains do work differently. Like we look at things differently. Right, that's okay. So, amazing how quickly five seconds of just asking could resolve everything, and I know that you're going back to like. Well, he should just know. You know what sometimes we don't know okay, sometimes we're completely oblivious, right. Yeah, yeah, we are.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it's important to remember that our upbringings make a difference. The way we were raised makes a difference. The things we were taught makes a difference in marriage and a lot of women they do kind of take like the house is kind of my thing. If you kind of took that at the beginning of your marriage, like I'll maintain the house or whatever, that's kind of my role, then if you've already done that, then he probably isn't looking around at things the same way. You are Like the deep. We had this conversation the other day. Yeah, nick doesn't see the deep cleaning, he sees the clutter.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 3:So when the clutter is put away and the counters are clean, the house looks immaculate to him and I'm like, no, you don't look at the ceiling or the baseboards, like you literally will never notice that. And Amy's looking at the ingot stuff.
Speaker 2:She's looking at a piece of dust 20 feet up on the mantle.
Speaker 1:I am.
Speaker 2:That I don't have my contacts in. I didn't see it, I missed it.
Speaker 3:It's not even because I can see it. It's literally because we know all the stuff that needs to be taken care of in a house and a husband's never going to notice that.
Speaker 2:And I would say most husbands and wives are like this. So just understand that this is the way it is. Okay, it may not be, it may not be the ideal situation, but how easy is it? Just just say, hey, sweetie, would you mind doing this? And he's like heck yeah, babe, I'll absolutely do that problem solved, instead of thinking why does he not notice that this needs to be done?
Speaker 3:we're all guilty of that. I know we're so guilty. I know women are guilty of that. Um, I'm we're so guilty. I know Women are guilty of that. I'm just going to jump to the next one. It was don't be volatile, like, be kind, like I think it's really easy when you've been married a long time to just when you get upset, to just like unleash.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like I think it gets easier and easier the longer you're married to just like get upset and upset to get even deeper and more yelling at each like you don't usually yell at each other being right when you get married right being volatile to me means that you think everything's fine and then all of a sudden, all heck breaks loose, like yeah, like all of a sudden, like something explodes, like you're walking on eggshells and you're just like, okay, when is this going to go off? When, and am I going to get you know? So, being volatile versus being what's the word? What's the word I'm trying to?
Speaker 2:use Awesome, peaceful no, when, like you can Office the word, like when you know what's going to happen, reliable, okay, like when you're, when you kind of know how things are going to happen, versus just all of a sudden, like always being on edge, wondering when is she going to unleash on me?
Speaker 3:No spouse should ever have to feel like they're walking on eggshells in a healthy marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3:Like nobody wants to feel like that, wants to feel like that. The next one that every wife I swear is guilty of is comparing their marriage. Now we're talking about things that if, if a wife can kind of stop doing, it's going to create a more peaceful marriage, right, more peaceful home, and comparison is the thief of joy. So when a wife is constantly like hanging out with friends and comparing, or comparing other people's marriages, or comparing their spouse's job to what her friend's husband makes living wise, or comparing her house, or comparing her life to others on social media, all those different things, like it's the absolute killer of peace, because then you start expecting things that are not realistic. You start, um, comparing your husband.
Speaker 2:You keep, start, probably start whining about things that you don't have I love that you say it's the comparison is the thief of joy is that what you said yes, oh, it's totally true.
Speaker 2:I mean, how often do you start like comparing and immediately it goes to well, I don't have enough of this, or I don't have enough of this, and you immediately stop forgetting about the things that you do have, like, oh man, I'm really healthy, right, I'm in great shape, I'm able to do things that a lot of other people can't do because I have this. Or, you know, we're out of debt, even though we don't make a ton of money. We don't have debt like all these. Some other people have Right, some other people have like right, it's so easy to start looking at all the negatives, um, when you have so many positives, uh as well.
Speaker 2:So, and it's right, it is so easy to do. We've shared our experience about. You know how we used to love to go to the parade of homes, but I found that making me kind of more ungrateful like covet things right like so, and it's so easy to do on social media, because everyone portrays just the good things, right like oh, they don't have anything wrong, their marriage is perfect and they got a new car, and they're going here and doing this and you don't see anything behind the scenes.
Speaker 3:That's going on and so it's so so easy to compare going on and so it's so, so easy to compare, so hard not to do it. But sure it's. It goes both ways right, like it's just hard. But we do hear from a ton of husbands that are like I'm never good enough, my paycheck's never big enough, my wife is never happy enough. She always needs more. It affects our intimacy. It's absolutely going to affect your intimacy. If you don't live in an attitude of gratitude, you're literally never going to be truly happy in your marriage.
Speaker 2:I love what you just said there, an attitude of gratitude, when you're grateful, like it's amazing the difference. I've said this in previous episodes, but my mom does a lot of stuff in Africa. She goes over there. These are people that sometimes don't even have any shoes, they have no house, they literally have nothing, and they're the happiest people that you've ever seen and they're just day-to-day wondering how they're going to survive. But they don't have social media. They don't know that, they don't have a TV. They don't even know what a TV is.
Speaker 3:They don't even see the mirror, so they don't know what they don't know and yet they're the happiest people and and yet they're the happiest people, and so I think that's so true.
Speaker 3:I agree, um, the next one I want to say the wives need to stop doing if they really want a peaceful home is to stop depending on their husband to make them happy, and I know a lot of our happiness comes from what our our spouse like. I know that and that's important, but I think, like this situation, if a wife is feeling like depressed about something or going through that you can't just say like think my husband needs to fix this for me.
Speaker 3:A lot of our happiness depends on what we are doing in our own life to make us happy, and sometimes, when we go into marriage, we're like, okay, we're one, we're united, we're, we're the same person. You're not the same person, you might be united, but you still have your own lives and that's healthy. So, finding that healthy balance of like I need to do things that are going to make me happy. I'm still my own person. I need to find a hobby that makes me smile.
Speaker 3:I think a lot of moms, especially after they have kids. They kind of get stuck in that I'm not my own person anymore. I'm just a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a house taker, I work, I don't have time. I think you have to make time for yourself, like you have to find a couple things, or find some friends, or find a hobby that gets you out of your family and your marriage just once a week or a couple hours here and there, whatever that balance looks like for you, because you have to create some of your own happiness and smiles too.
Speaker 2:You have to find balance though, because a lot of people go to the extreme and say, well, I'm just going to live life to make me happy, and they go to the extreme and they pretty much cut everything out. I mean, that's kind of the social media thing right now is, oh, you should just do whatever makes you happy. So people are neglecting their families or neglecting everything else, and so there's that balance right.
Speaker 3:There's always a balance, but so there it seems like a lot of moms and dads too, I'm sure, but a lot of people will go to the extreme one side or the other. It's either like I'm not happy in my marriage anymore, so now I'm spending all this time away from my marriage, or I don't ever spend time away from my marriage and now I'm feeling unhappy. Like balance, right.
Speaker 1:For sure it's always balance.
Speaker 3:So I don't know. It's good for women to remember that self-care is important and kind of having an escape once in a while is good for their mental yeah absolutely, yeah, um.
Speaker 3:Another thing is um always feeling like you're the victim. I think it's really important for women who want to have a happy, peaceful marriage to remember that sometimes they are to blame, just Just like Edelstein, right, like we both play our part we both, everyone makes mistakes. It's not always your spouse's fault. And playing victim especially if you've been through something traumatic in your past or you haven't healed from trauma or something like you can't play the victim card forever there gets a point in your life to where you literally have to mature and be like that was my past.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to let it run my life anymore and I think a lot of people are still in therapy and never really get better from therapy. Like there comes a point where you have to make a choice that I'm ready to not let this ruin my life anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like this experience isn't going to dictate who I become or what type of life that I have Right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And let's face it, I know it doesn't look like this, but bad things just happen to everyone. You are, you're not immune. You're going to have things in your marriage and your life that just suck and they're horrible to go through. Everyone does, whether you recognize it or or not. Some people hide it better. That's just part of life. That's just part of the journey is having those bad things that yet they have to go through. And so, instead of playing the victim and thinking I'll pour me, like everything bad just happens to me, it's really important to recognize that you, you have control over how you think and getting through those situations and you have a spouse next to your site that wants to hold your hand through those things like we should be most grateful for that, right, uh?
Speaker 3:the next one is that so many women are guilty of I've done it, everyone's done it is prioritizing things over your marriage solely. Sometimes it's your phone, sometimes it's your kids, sometimes it's over scheduling stuff because you want to stay busy. I'm guilty of that. Sometimes I think a lot of women are guilty of over-scheduling, trying to really be somebody, be this awesome mom, awesome parent, do all these things for the kids, help out, volunteer at all these things, and then they're too tired for the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're neglecting your relationship with your husband or your family because you're too busy with other stuff like that's that's gonna not bring peace to your marriage that's not gonna bring peace to your marriage.
Speaker 3:It's gonna bring divide, division yeah, and, and I think phones are a big part of that, but we talk about it all the time absolutely and the last one I want to leave on is micromanaging.
Speaker 3:This is kind of like the nagging, except for you're just like everything has to be done a certain way. I'm going to micromanage you, I'm going to control the way you do stuff. Like so many husbands are just like let me do it the way I want to do it. There's no right way to load the dishwasher. There's no right way to put them?
Speaker 2:yes, there is is there?
Speaker 3:yeah, oh.
Speaker 2:I tried to teach you how to load the dishwasher you did.
Speaker 3:Oh, and I did it wrong.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but it's okay, I don't, I'm cool, I'm cool with that no, it's a funny that you brought that up, because I'm like he puts the forks facing up. I like can't stand that. I was taught to put them down so they'd actually get clean and you wouldn't have to touch them when you grab them out. But so many people do it the other way and I'm like it's not worth. Like I hate loading the dishwasher, so I'm not gonna fight about it. I'm like he can do it the way he wants to. I'll do it the way I want to. We're not gonna like let this cause a problem.
Speaker 3:It's all good so many couples let these stupid petty things create conflict in the relationship, I'm like just let it go. It's a fork.
Speaker 2:It's not worth it, yeah.
Speaker 3:It's a silverware like. Let it go. Those like we have to quit micromanaging. If you want your husband to do more around the house, if that's like a big problem in your marriage, let him do it and don't whine about the way he does it. He can't control the way he does it. He probably grew up doing it a totally different way. If it gets done and it ends up clean.
Speaker 2:Who cares?
Speaker 3:It doesn't matter how it got done, it just matters that it got done. So I think, just appreciation and not nagging and just trying to I don't know be a teammate, work together, peace right. We're going for peace in our marriages. Peace, peace, peace out. Peace out in our marriages peace, peace, peace out peace out.
Speaker 2:Are we done? No, so yeah, like I said, this is, this is for the women's. Just take this with humility and open up your mind and say are there certain things that I'm doing that I can do better at?
Speaker 3:I have to.
Speaker 2:I mean we listed things that we literally had an argument about two weeks ago.
Speaker 3:Like we're no different, nobody's, not everyone. He fights about these simple things. Like everyone has, everyone still does, everyone. Will you just have to like, talk about and try and keep a good tone of voice and then it doesn't turn into take ownership and say am I doing these things and how can I be better?
Speaker 2:and we'll have one for the husbands coming up that they can do the same thing that's what it's all about is how don't, how do we be better? Husbands, fathers, men, providers like wives, mothers just that's what it's all about is how do we, how do we be better so we can have better marriages? And that's everything we talk about. So don't, don't take it offensive. Take ownership.
Speaker 3:We're guilty too. We're guilty too. Absolutely so if you want a strong marriage, you got to find peace in your home and the way you do that is about. It starts with your tone of voice and your positive mindset and your gratitude, and it takes work. It does take work. There's nothing wrong with working hard at things. It takes lots of work.
Speaker 2:Yep, so Yep. Anyways, we hope you enjoyed the podcast. We hope you enjoy the podcast. We are now, well, we have open signups for the 2025 Intimacy and Adventure Retreat. If you haven't been on it, oh man, it's so fun, so fun. Go check out the video we have on Instagram, kind of the recap that Amy put together the people that have attended the retreats the last several years have just had an amazing time.
Speaker 2:Um, I don't think we've ever gotten anything under a 4.8 star yeah how cool is that yeah, I mean we, we have them, rate the instruction and the food and the hotel and everything and we have like a 4.8 4.8 star rating, which means people are just loving everything. We get so many comments from people saying I don't know how you guys put this retreat on and do all these things and charge what you're charging. I mean it's, there's a lot of value. I mean your meals, the meals you're eating there at the retreat are. You're not eating sandwiches and things like that, like you are eating um prime rib and brisket chicken.
Speaker 3:The instruction we're going to move on from food. The instruction is like world class instruction, like our instructors speak all over the world and like the couples that leave this retreat are changed in their marriage, like they literally they don't want to leave, but they're like. There's been a lot of tears, of joy and happiness from having marriages like even if your marriage is amazing, you leave feeling even more amazing and more connected. And if your marriage is struggling, you leave connected like it's amazing so go to ultimateintimacycom, click on the retreats button.
Speaker 2:Let us know if you have any questions. We have quite a bit of information there, as well as videos you can see about the area If you've never been to the area. Pretty incredible place, I would say, one of probably the prettiest places on the planet, one of them, yeah, yeah, so check it out. Let us know if you have any questions. Thank you for listening to the podcast and we'll see you next week.