The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
278. 8 Questions You Should Ask Each Other When Your Marriage Is Struggling
Ever wondered how a simple query like "What do you need from me right now?" can revolutionize your marriage? In a heartfelt exchange, we unravel the complexities of marital intimacy and uncover the keys to a deeper connection. We discuss how open communication and teamwork are essential in understanding and fulfilling each other's needs.
If you feel like your marriage isn't where you want it to be (which is many of us), then this episode is for you. In this episode we share the 8 questions you should ask each other to make a huge positive change in your relationship.
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 700,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
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You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:Here are the eight questions you should ask each other when your marriage is struggling and I want to preface and say that each other when your marriage is struggling and I want to preface and say that when we say your marriage is struggling, we're all going to go through rocky patches or points in our marriage. It doesn't mean you're on the brink of divorce or things like that, but we're all going to have highs and lows in our relationship, no matter what. That's just part of life. So when your marriage is a maybe struggling or a low point, again here are the eight questions you should ask each other that can really help you understand where you're at and, I think, improve your marriage greatly while you're going through these things so I don't even know about going through these things like I think sometimes we have weeks where we're just kind of feeling disconnected, like for sure Maybe maybe not even struggling, but just feeling disconnected Right.
Speaker 1:You can have just a couple couple of days where you're feeling disconnected. It doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble, like you said, but we're all going to have. I mean, marriage is either getting better, or it's stagnant, or it's getting worse right. And a lot of us feel like it's just stagnant. I don't know if there's such thing as stagnant. I kind of feel like it's either going up or down.
Speaker 2:Do you feel like that? Yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 1:I think that, like these conversations can be, I don't know they need to be more often than just when your marriage is struggling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, I agree. I agree 100%. Yeah, so let's dive in. I think these are great things to talk about. So the first thing you should talk about together as a couple is ask the question how can we work together and find a solution? I think it's so easy when we're going through hard things, we kind of get disconnected. We don't want to talk about things. I know for me, uh, just from previous experiences, like when something's hard to talk about, I had a tendency not to talk about it I think that's the normal.
Speaker 1:I think some people just like let's just leave it under the rug. I don't want to cause a fight again, I don't want to disagree again, let's just leave it alone. Leaving stuff alone, oh, it's detrimental, right?
Speaker 2:so I think it's important as a couple to sit down and say how do we work together to find a solution to whatever we're going through? Maybe our marriage is just filling off? How do we find a solution for that? Sexual intimacy isn't what we want it to be. How do we find a solution for that? Whatever the whatever the problem or the issue is, or struggle that you're going through, figure out the solution together Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if the solution is really good for you but not for your spouse right?
Speaker 1:Well, let's point out the key words in this one sentence how can we work together to find a solution? It's not. How can you find a solution? It's not. How can I find a solution to fix our problem?
Speaker 2:How do we find a?
Speaker 1:solution. It's not. How can you find a solution? It's not how can I find a solution to fix our problem? How do we find a solution? Because nobody wins in a marriage unless you win together. Right, you're a team. So how do we work together to be a team to fix the solution? Yep exactly.
Speaker 2:Second question to ask each other is what do you need for me right now? And I think that's a really simple question, but I it. It prompts the question as to you know, what do you need for me right now, babe?
Speaker 1:And allows you to tell me like what are we?
Speaker 2:missing. What can we do to make things better?
Speaker 1:It's loving too. It's what do you need for me, and I think the reason it's so loving is because it's showing I care, like I'm willing to do something maybe that I don't even want to do because you need it. Like I'm caring enough to ask you. And it really comes down to how genuine you ask these things, right.
Speaker 2:Yes it's not like you're sucking at this. I need you to do this for me. It's what do you need from me right?
Speaker 1:now, from me right now, and it's how you say it too what do you need? What the heck do you need? It's how you say it. What do you need from me right now? How can I help you, how can I be a support to you?
Speaker 2:I'm glad you're asking.
Speaker 1:How can I be a help to you?
Speaker 2:So anyway.
Speaker 1:Nick would answer I need more lovemaking.
Speaker 2:Oh, while we're on the subject, that's what most husbands would say right. How do you know my mind so well? How do you read my mind? Are you going to the psychic?
Speaker 1:I know I'm trying to read all the husbands' minds right now. They're like I would love my wife to come up to me and be, like do you need more lovemaking in our marriage?
Speaker 2:I think we as men are pretty simple I do too, Honestly if our wives were making love to us on a regular basis, like what do you mean if your wives were? I'm speaking on behalf of all the men Like if our wives were making love to us on a regular basis, like life would be pretty good right life is pretty good life is pretty good when your wife is making love to you.
Speaker 1:Life is really good when your wife is making, and that's where we're trying this whole podcast is for you guys to get that like let us help you be better husbands. Let all of our audience that takes polls and surveys help you to be better husbands. Let's let the feedback that's coming in help you to be better husbands so that we can help the wives be better wives. So you're both wanting more intimacy. Did I say that right?
Speaker 2:You said it. Am I going to get in trouble for saying it that way? You said it perfect.
Speaker 1:Anyways, we all want more intimacy. That's why we're here.
Speaker 2:The next question, which is gold. This is the best question. Is there anything I have done to hurt or upset you? If something's, off. That's the first question I ask, amy, if something's off.
Speaker 1:What have I done? What have I done?
Speaker 2:I ask it a little differently. It's like all right, what have I done?
Speaker 1:What have I done? But no, I think that's a really yeah, it's not always one person's fault.
Speaker 2:No, but that is an important question to ask because it prompts a discussion, and most of the time she's like yeah, you have done something wrong and here's what's bothering me and it probably wasn't intentional.
Speaker 1:It probably wasn't intentional. And that's what we need to remember in marriages I would never want to do anything. I don't think most husbands would. I think that things happen in marriage and they're not because we want to hurt our spouse. I think we just get offended because we're different, right? So I love this question is there anything I have done to hurt or upset you? Because we always say, and all therapists will say, and all marriage experts will say, don't use you statements, use.
Speaker 2:I say you've done this.
Speaker 1:You've done this instead of using you statements. You're being like I am willing to take on the blame, I'm willing to admit that I maybe hurt you or made you upset, and I'm if so, I'm sorry I would like to know how I can, what I did and how I could correct it and a lot of wives will be like you should already know what you did to upset me. You know what. I have totally said that before. I am guilty of that and he's like nope, literally don't know.
Speaker 1:I'm like really You're that oblivious to what you did and like, yeah, I really am.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I'm coming to you in humility asking you what I did. I know I you what I did.
Speaker 1:I know I'm coming to a humble in a humble place, like I sincerely want to know what I did and I'm sorry, I literally don't know. I'm sorry, like, and that's why you're so important to be humble on the wife's side or the husband's side and be like okay, I get why you didn't see that we were raised different. We have different backgrounds, we have different thought process. We see things differently. Be okay with that. If your spouse has come to you and saying they're probably genuinely caring and we got to take that as a wow. Okay, he loves me, she loves me, right? Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2:Yes, ma'am, I like the next one too. You know asking each other what are the most important things to us as a couple, like almost reestablishing your core values as a couple and as a family. I think that's important just to make sure that, like nothing's got out of alignment, that you're both still kind of in agreement on what you want, what the most important things are to you, because you see a lot of couples that change, that are like I'll just give an example like maybe a couple gets married and they're both Christian and they're both going to church, and then you see one couple that all of a sudden just has no interest, right, like yeah, I don't want anything to do with this, and they stop going to church.
Speaker 1:They stop yeah, you know whatever right.
Speaker 2:So it's important to understand like hey, are our core values, whatever they are, still there? Are we still working towards the same goals? Do we have the same beliefs? Do we have the same wants as a couple of what we're trying to accomplish in this marriage?
Speaker 1:so I would say that, like they're very small percentage of kind of like in that situation you're talking about but if we want to switch this to like a 99 of marriages kind of situation. This would be priorities. Are our kids taking over our life? Are our screen times taking over our life? Are we not prioritizing intimate moments or date nights or quality time, Like that's core values too right?
Speaker 2:Like, are we?
Speaker 1:going to keep dating each other? Are we going to keep this marriage passionate? Are we going to let our kids override our relationship all the time? Yeah, they're going to a lot of the time, but are we going to do we have the same core values when it comes to our marriage, that it's the two of us after they all move out Like? Those are the kind of things, too, that need to be constant conversations in relationships. Right Screen time is killing intimacy in marriages right now. What are our core values? Do we value our marriage and our relationship more than our stupid phone?
Speaker 2:calls. And asking that question is important, like you said, because if I said, well, right now the most important thing to me is work, and you're like, oh well, maybe there's imbalance right, a slap in the face, yeah. Maybe you know, and sometimes, as we've talked about before, when we first get married. You know, maybe we list it as God is number one, our marriage number two, or job number three, hobbies number four, whatever, If any of those things change or get out of balance.
Speaker 2:It can really throw your whole relationship and marriage off right, like if all of a sudden, uh, god moves down to number four and marriage moves to number three and work moves to number two and those things start changing. It's really easy to all of a sudden really get out of whack because now you're not working towards the same things or having the same goals necessarily. So I think that's really important to ask that question.
Speaker 1:And not even just that question but how do we bring it back? How do we fix that? Even just this week, let's take it baby steps. How do we make it so that our marriage is still number one in?
Speaker 2:our life.
Speaker 1:What does that look like to us, and how do we do a better job at showing each other that our relationship comes first?
Speaker 2:I go back. I go back to it too, like when we rank things, it doesn't equate to time spent. So I believe, if you're a couple and you put god first in your marriage.
Speaker 1:Second, and then your kids, and then whatever falls underneath.
Speaker 2:It doesn't mean that that is time spent on those things, but if your goals are god and marriage and those two things are the most important the the rest of everything is going to fall into place. You're going to. You're going to most likely have a really good marriage because your focus is in the right place. Yeah, it's still. You still may have to work 10 hours a day absolutely but where is your heart right?
Speaker 2:Where is your priority? Um so um. The next one is what are the little things I can do to show you I love you? And I don't want to define what little things are like. Little things might be bigger things to some couples, but it's asking the question what are the things I can do to show you that I love you? And so let's, so let's, give everyone an example.
Speaker 1:What is something that I can do to show you that I love you, and so let's let's give everyone an example. What is something that I could do better today to show you that I love you?
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, I think. Just continue to prioritize intimate, intimate time and um like when, when, when.
Speaker 1:There are days that we're not going to be intimate. What would that look like Like on a regular? Like say okay, we were intimate last night. That's probably not going to happen today. What does that look like to you today? Like what can I do to show you that I prioritize and love you today?
Speaker 2:I yeah.
Speaker 1:Physical touch?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think physical touch for me would be like even just coming up and giving me a hug and saying you know how much I love you like, that would mean the world to me awesome, or um, you know, just yeah, something like that. Or I, I can't wait till we get to connect in a couple nights again, or you know, just something um letting me know that. Yeah, because again, we as men I think for the most part feel loved through um physical touch and sexual.
Speaker 2:So, it doesn't mean we have to go have sex right then, but knowing that you desire me, I think. I think for me just to get vulnerable on our podcast. I think for me, the way I feel loved from you is knowing that you desire me. That's, you know. Whatever that means, right, awesome?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what about you? Um, since we're just airing it on, you know, whatever that means right, awesome, yeah.
Speaker 2:So what about you?
Speaker 1:um, since we're just airing it on, I'm just trying to think of the best example.
Speaker 1:I feel very loved in our relationship when you realize that we both work really hard during the day and that it's not solely my responsibility to kind of run the household at night I really appreciate it when you just like kind of start doing stuff and kind of, instead of like jumping on your phone, you really look around in the kitchen, see what needs to be done, go do a batch of laundry, put some clothes away, whatever that looks like I. I appreciate it when you notice things that need to be done and I just don't have to think about it and that gives us more time to connect at night.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that shows you that you love me, because acts of service really are my love language and you know that.
Speaker 2:Perfect Well.
Speaker 1:And I think when you have that kind of conversation this question really comes down to do you know how your spouse loves to be loved? Do you know their love language? Because his is physical touch, mine's acts of service. If he jumps in and starts doing an act of service, or I jump in and give him some physical touch, or we're at the softball game tonight and I rub his back, or I even just say, hey, I'd love to be intimate tomorrow night or say even a comment like that that shows he loves that. And so knowing like what your spouse like, how they feel loved, and doing something simple each day is it's huge for your marriage.
Speaker 2:For sure. And the next one is pretty similar to that, but we're going to tweak it a little bit. And that would be how do you want me to show you I love you or respect you? So I think for a husband again.
Speaker 1:I like this one different Because the last one was show you love. Let's change this one to literally how do I show you I respect you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because that's a totally different question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean I think I'd have to think about that, but I think for me it'd probably be pretty similar. I think if you desire me, it shows that you respect me. You know, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think for me it's literally like when the kid like, okay, so we have teenagers, they don't want to go to bed at night. It turns sometimes it turns into like this well, you just get in bed like it was so peaceful around here, but now you guys are just procrastinating. And now the daughter that has to get up at 5 30 am is getting frustrated at the other ones because they don't want to go to sleep early and or not even early, but on time, like like that's kind of our tension moment in our house is at night, like when it's literally like 9 30 10 and they're literally still not in bed and that's kind of our time to connect intimately or just emotionally, whatever.
Speaker 1:That's our alone time too, so everyone sometimes can start to get a little bit heated like just get to sleep, and so to me I think it's super attractive when he keeps his cool and he kind of steps up there and he's like, hey, I, I'm not going to get upset at the kids like I like. To me, this is just, this is my personality, but like like anger, like I don't like anger, like I, I love it when people have a temperament and even if you can tell they're upset, they can hold it together and Nick's really good at that. So to me it's like you don't just show respect to me, but you show respect to the family, when I could tell you're upset, but you're still holding it together, yeah and I.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's the best example, but well, it's a good one. It works for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no uh, note well taken. That's written down in my mind, uh, and my brain patience.
Speaker 1:I think most women would say that patience and kindness is pretty attractive, yeah absolutely yep, uh.
Speaker 2:next question is ask each other how are we doing emotionally? Because, again, we've talked about this often that one spouse may feel like everything's fine and the other spouse will be like this, this is crap. I don't feel emotionally connected. So, asking each other that question and maybe you say hey, on a scale of one to ten, how do you feel, like, where we're at emotionally? If I answer a ten and Amy answers a seven, like we've shared with the past experience, I thought everything was great. She's like, ah, it's all right. And I'm like, oh, what?
Speaker 1:do we need to do to make it better? And I love that you didn't get offended by that, that you were literally like, oh, let's figure out how to get you to attend, not like why would you say it's a seven, we're fine. Like you don't know how your stops is feeling, so you really can't tell them how to feel, or how they're feeling.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, all you can do is try to help, resolve or say how do we get you from any? And maybe you can never get it to a 10. Maybe 10 is unachievable, but if you can get from a 7 to an 8 or an 8 to a 9, that's good.
Speaker 1:So let's do an example of this one. So if, nick, I don't want to put you on the spot, I don't know what you would say. Put me on the spot, baby. How are we doing emotionally today or this week, like, however, you want to ask your spouse that how are we doing emotionally?
Speaker 2:I feel like we are doing pretty good emotionally. I would put it on like a Eight or nine.
Speaker 1:Okay, and my answer would be a little more in depth. I don't like to just be like I'm at an eight.
Speaker 2:I'm at a nine.
Speaker 1:Like I like to like talk about why I feel a certain way. So if I was to give Nick an example of like this is what makes me feel emotionally connected to you, I would say you know what I love, that we like go on a 30-minute walk or 20-minute walk at night when the kids are asleep with our dogs. I love that and we talk and I feel really emotionally connected to you every night before we go to bed.
Speaker 2:And I would.
Speaker 1:I would rate that time of day at a 10. You know what's funny?
Speaker 2:is I'm going back to that art, uh, the podcast we did to where men are just kind of more like oh, I'm good, I feel this way, and then the women get into the details. We're more like the blog post title, just generic, and women want to get into the details, which is great, right, like, because now you just told me and I'm like, oh, that's now. I was very just like oh, things are good and you were like this is what I like.
Speaker 1:This is why things are good and he's he's expressed to me that he loves that time too. We both feel the same way, but it makes a big difference the nights when I go by myself versus when I have him and we get to have that Like. Sometimes he'll go sit by the fire one night and go do his thing for an hour, and that's great, that's fine. He gets that time. I'll go take the dogs on a walk or take a hot bath or something, but the nights where we're like let's connect together, let's go on a walk let's hold hands.
Speaker 2:It's a different kind of night and I would say we do that things most of the time. Most of the time, yeah, and that's the key is like are you, is it a hundred percent of the time that your spouse is going doing one thing and you're doing another thing?
Speaker 1:no, you know.
Speaker 2:So I think that's the key is that the you know you're, you're putting in the time and the effort, whether it's 100% of the time or 80% of the time Whatever looks balanced to you and your marriage.
Speaker 1:You might need a little more time away. You might need more time together. Like we're all going to look different there, yeah, and then the single most important question of all. Not most important.
Speaker 2:I'm joking, they know I'm joking, I know the.
Speaker 1:They know.
Speaker 2:I'm joking, I know. The question you should ask each other is how are we doing sexually in our relationship?
Speaker 1:And then a lot of men are going to be like, well, my wife won't answer that, she just walks away and says all you want is sex. I'm just putting it out there because that's a lot of husbands Not a majority, I hope, but a lot and wives. I have to tell you like this is an important question, like your husband has every right to ask this question, even weekly. Like this is as important to them as emotional intimacy is to us, and a lot of women would pick the sexual intimacy question too, because there's a lot of high drive wives now, and so you need to be in a place where it's okay to ask this question and to be able to talk about it, and you've got to be able if a husband's like you know what it's not where I would like it to be able to talk about it, and you've got to be.
Speaker 1:If a husband's like you know what it's not where I would like it to be. And yeah, you have to have a healthy balance. It can't be too much. It's gonna work. Why do you?
Speaker 2:think, and I don't want to get off subject, but why do you think? We know how important sexual intimacy is in marriage, but yet it's some it's probably the most common thing that causes disagreements like there's always almost always an imbalance because why do? You think? Why do you think sexual intimacy is so hard for people to find a balance?
Speaker 1:because the lower drive spouse typically the wife literally is like why is this a need in the marriage? I don't need it. It's just a need that you have. It's just a need that you have. It's just a need that you have. Why do I have to prioritize something that my body is not telling me that I need? Like, I don't think a lot of most women understand how different it is to have a roommate relationship versus a passionate marriage. In life, kids scheduling, tiredness, exhaustion, stress, uh, lack of hormone balance, lack of feeling good, pms I mean just there's so many barriers that women deal with that it's hard to prioritize something that your body's not telling you you need and I'm not saying it's not important, I'm just saying yeah it's hard for them to want to prioritize something that they don't physically need.
Speaker 2:Like you guys, I know it's again I think of like something like doing the laundry right, like no one, nobody wants no one wants to do the laundry, but you have to do it. You have to do it because you have to have clean clothes to be healthy, you know right it's important, it's extremely important, or brushing your teeth, or something like that.
Speaker 2:Like we do these things because we recognize if we don't do them, we're going to get to an unhealthy place right and same with marriage it's the same thing with sexual intimacy, but it's so amazing how many people just disregard that and think, oh, that's not as important as brushing my teeth, or that's not as important as doing the laundry or things like that.
Speaker 2:But at the end of the day it is. It is really important and we all, we say this all the time If it's important to your spouse and you truly love your spouse, then it should be important to you and you don't need to understand all the reasons why, like I don't understand all the reasons why, like I don't understand all the reasons why, um, it's important to do certain things or what have you, but we do them because it's it's just what we need to do, right, like I don't know if I came across right, but that's the whole point, though, is we have to change our attitude like it's just another thing we have to do to maintain our marriage.
Speaker 1:The entire point is to learn to love being intimate physically and emotionally, so it's something that you actually don't look at as another chore that we have to do right, I think.
Speaker 2:I think one of the future episodes we need to do is how can you learn even if you're not sexual intimacy isn't like the your favorite thing to do. How can you learn to enjoy it more and I think we've hit on those in past episodes, but maybe we can dive into that a little bit more too yeah, well, going back to this episode, how are we doing sexually?
Speaker 1:as a question it needs to be talked about, especially if the husband or the high drive spouse is feeling like it's lacking in your marriage, because that is the key to keeping you lovers and not roommates like, unless you're fine with just having a boring, non-passionate friendship, roommate kind of relationship, which pretty sure one of you is not okay with yeah, yeah, you might be okay with it, but that doesn't mean your spouse is probably suffering, and if you truly love your spouse.
Speaker 1:You don't want them to, but that doesn't mean your spouse is okay with it. Your spouse is probably suffering and if you truly love your spouse, you don't want them to suffer. You don't want your spouse to suffer If they, if they, it's no different than like a husband, say, a wife really wants to emotionally connect and the husband's just like. I don't want to be romantic anymore. I don't really want to like have those deep conversations anymore. I'm not going to be vulnerable.
Speaker 2:Like, like, I wasn't raised like that. I just don't want to give you that. That's not important to me. That would be.
Speaker 1:That would hurt their heart big time right and eventually you might go elsewhere to get those needs. Like whether that's right or wrong, the fact is, is we as humans?
Speaker 2:you're gonna crave it, yeah, we as humans have certain things that we crave. And again, if you complete, if you're just shutting off the sexual intimacy from your husband or the high desire spouse, I'm not saying it's right, but naturally as a human they're going to want to feel loved and by someone. And the same thing for a wife with emotional intimacy, Like you know. That's why so many, so many women you see that uh, start talking to another man and and have that connection and they, you know. Again, it's not right, but it you least understand why those things happen. We as humans crave sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy in these certain things and when that's lacking in the relationship, it's it's sometimes natural to want to get that filled somewhere else absolutely yep, yep, we'll go on.
Speaker 1:We'll do an extra episode to kind of finish this subject, I think. But, these questions are key, as often as you feel like you need them in your relationship. I think they're really important questions and being able to talk about every single one of them, that's vulnerability.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:And it's needed right.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:Communication is oxygen to the marriage.
Speaker 2:It's vital well, and if you feel like you need a little bit more excitement in your marriage, which I think we all do, we have the 2025 intimacy and adventure retreat. I know we're a little ways out. We are only allowing a certain amount of spots. Go check out the video we have on instagram to kind of see what it was like last year. Uh, the people that have attended the previous years just rave at how amazing it is. Let us know if you have any questions. We're here to answer those, but hey, we hope to meet you at the next intimacy and adventure retreat. So let us know if you have any questions and until next time, hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.