The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
279. The Habits A Husband Should Stop Doing For A More Peaceful And Intimate Marriage
In Episode 277, we explored the habits wives should stop doing to foster a more peaceful and intimate marriage. Now, it's time to turn the spotlight on husbands.
There's no question that as men, we can develop some bad habits or make mistakes that create conflict in our relationships. Nick can personally attest to this. Often, we don't even recognize these habits or the impact they have on our marriages.
In this episode, we will identify the common habits that husbands tend to fall into that prevent marriages from reaching their full potential. From neglecting communication and emotional expression to avoiding responsibilities and taking our spouse for granted, we will discuss the behaviors that can create distance and tension.
Join us as we delve into the ways men can improve their marital relationships by recognizing and addressing their own behaviors. This episode is an opportunity for husbands to reflect, learn, and grow, paving the way for a stronger and more fulfilling marriage.
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 700,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
Enjoy the podcast or have some feedback for us? Shoot us a message!
You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:This is the episode the ladies have been waiting for it's the 10 habits husbands should stop doing to find more happiness, peace and intimacy in their relationship.
Speaker 1:Ooh, we did do the wife one.
Speaker 2:We did do the wife one and we always get messages after. Well, when are you going to do the husband one?
Speaker 1:Well, we will. We make everything fair, because marriage takes two.
Speaker 2:It does. It takes two, so so these are the top things that a lot of husbands, the mistakes that husbands make. As I was reading through this list, I'm like, oh, I'm totally guilty of making some of these mistakes. I don't think so In the past I've repented, I've become better, but oh, I absolutely made pretty much all these mistakes in the past.
Speaker 1:Really I'm not to hear the list cause I have a hard time believing that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, we'll talk about each one of them, and these are how to make your house, your home, more peaceful. As a man right yeah, and then you're you can be like nick, you were jacked up, you totally did that or you totally didn't do that. You can rate me like a thumbs up, thumbs down scale of one to ten, whatever you want to do, so that wouldn't be very nice. Okay, let's be gentle, be nice on me. Let's be gentle. So, number one the mistakes that husbands make.
Speaker 1:Ooh, that's a good one.
Speaker 2:Ignoring communication.
Speaker 1:Oh, husbands are good at that. They totally do that, not you.
Speaker 2:You love to communicate, I do but even sometimes I'm still like what did you just say?
Speaker 1:I'm like oh, I do that.
Speaker 2:Like I say, I like, oh, I do that, like I was busy doing something. But a lot of times we as husbands do ignore the communication. We kind of think, ah, I don't want to hear this, or this isn't important, um, maybe I'm bored, we have, we, let's face it, like right, we as men have a hard time. We need to listen to our wives, we need to be engaged, we need to, um, be oh, what's the word? Just just present and curious about our wives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, we're taught not to gossip, but don't you think? Don't you think couples gossip?
Speaker 2:more than anyone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a kind of like your safe place, like your wife like wants to come tell you about everybody oh, you just have to listen, or your husband wants to whine about work and you just have to listen like all right like we're kind of our go-to people, which is which is great, which is it's not a bad thing, but some it's like you're saying, like sometimes you're just okay. I gotta make sure that I'm really listening, because I'm kind of bored with this conversation or something, right?
Speaker 2:I've never gossiped, but I do need to tell you about what the neighbor did exactly, remind me to tell you that. So, anyways, um, yeah, so don't ignore your wife's communication. Like, be fully engaged. This is a big part of the emotional connection which leads to other ways of connecting so well, you have to.
Speaker 1:How do I say this? No, I don't love that quote.
Speaker 2:You did the quote she likes is you have to penetrate her mind first let's leave it at that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have to but I think that's a great quote.
Speaker 2:Let's leave it at that you need to have good deep discussions and really get into our mind first, before your wife's gonna want to make love.
Speaker 1:Leave it at that make man passionate.
Speaker 2:Love to you all right. Number two I'm told I've been guilty of this too is being defensive. Oh, my goodness, how often do we as husbands uh get defensive like I, I did that because of that, or I didn't do that, or we don't want to do that.
Speaker 1:I don't like to do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have a little bit more pride sometimes and we have a tendency to get defensive.
Speaker 1:I don't know, women are just bad. I think, at least I am.
Speaker 2:To I do. I get defensive very often. You used to yeah, I used to, totally used to, but again I've repented.
Speaker 1:Pointing fingers, figures. We've all been guilty.
Speaker 2:We have all been guilty of being defensive I'm I'm definitely very guilty of that we're airing our past sins or transgressions.
Speaker 1:That's, that's that's why we did episodes on pride right. Like to have an amazing marriage, you have to be humble and you are not being humble when you're always being defensive and trying to be right.
Speaker 2:And if you listen to our episode a little while back on the three things that if you say to your spouse every day, oh man, you're going to have a game-changing marriage. This would be the opposite, because you're not going to get defensive, you're going to be like you know. I'm really sorry, I did make a mistake. I apologize about that.
Speaker 1:How can I make things right? And then you're oh man, if spouses would say that to their spouse more often, there would be way, way less fights in marriage. So much more passion in marriage, for sure, right, yeah, absolutely, totally agree.
Speaker 2:Taking each other for granted. What does that mean to you? Like when a husband takes his wife for granted. What do you think that means?
Speaker 1:um, like an example would be she just kind of is in charge of the house and kids, like just kind of thanking that and not really thanking her for all that daily grind of doing that, which she probably loves to do because she loves her kids and she loves you and she loves to serve, but it does, and if she's working on top of that, bless her heart. Like there's just so much to always be done and I think we're both everyone's guilty of this. But I think it's easy to forget that, even though it's like a day-to-day thing, that it's a lot of work, and to be thanked for all that service.
Speaker 2:So anytime we do, a video on something like oh, the wife's doing this or the husband's doing this, we always get feedback Well, I do this, and it's immediately back defensive and expectations and things like that. But if couples would really just, instead of take each other for granted, just really have the attitude of like I'm going to serve, I'm going to do the best I can at just helping and get rid of the keeping score right and just just try to be like you know, I love my wife.
Speaker 2:Uh, I love my spouse and I really want to do everything I can to help. Like if they just, if you just have that attitude, like how, how different would things be?
Speaker 1:well, you wouldn't feel taken for granted if your spouse literally told you thank you every day. Thank you for being awesome.
Speaker 2:Thank you for going to work today.
Speaker 1:Thank you for working hard for our family.
Speaker 2:That immediately shows that you're grateful and you appreciate what they do Like if a husband. Just those simple words.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. If a husband was like thank you for making an amazing dinner, thank you for taking our kids today and running them places, thank you for being patient with the kids and for being a good mom, like if he was even noticing those things, that would mean a lot to his wife A ton.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, right yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Neglecting self-care. That's very important, yeah, and I think a lot of us husbands do that.
Speaker 2:It's funny. You often see a husband that's overweight and hasn't shaved like me. Sorry, If you see the video you'll see that I got facial hair.
Speaker 1:I told you to keep it. It looks great. You did. I only have it. Most women like facial hair. It's just keeping it clean.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's just keeping it clean which you do.
Speaker 2:I don't have a twinkie, part of a twinkie or some ham out of the side of it Ew gross? No, it's about.
Speaker 1:It's not about how you look. It's about keeping your self-hygiene clean.
Speaker 2:I think more neglecting self-care is like not exercising kind of letting ourselves go. It's funny, like exercising kind of letting ourselves go. It's funny, like you know, I'm trying to remember what we saw, but there's you just see it all the time where, like a husband's like not looking that good and yet he's telling his wife that she needs to look good for him yeah, like uh, yeah, it's not.
Speaker 1:I think I just did a post another couple days ago on stop expecting your spouse to be okay with things that you're not okay with. That's what my post was. It was just that simple Stop expecting your spouse to be okay with things that you're not okay with. It goes both ways. Like if you expect your spouse to look good, you better look good If you expect your spouse to clean up after you wait.
Speaker 1:You better clean up after you wait, you better clean up after that. No, I just like totally shot myself in the foot. Wait, do you know what I'm trying to say? I know if you're expecting your spouse to be in physical shape, then you better be in physical shape, not just all those kind of things too. If you expect your spouse to romance you, you need to romance them back whatever that looks like to them.
Speaker 2:Those kind of things like so yeah, anything like, anything we expect we kind of need to romance them back, whatever that looks like to them.
Speaker 1:Those kind of things, yeah, anything. Anything we expect, we kind of need to give first or back.
Speaker 2:Agreed, which leads us into the next one, which well, kind of, is disregarding boundaries.
Speaker 1:Disregarding boundaries is not going to bring peace to your wife.
Speaker 2:So why do you feel? Do you feel like men do this more often than women?
Speaker 1:No, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't put blame on men I?
Speaker 1:I think that most problems of marriages are both ways so I literally, the more I hear from people and the more I hear from couples I don't like. As a wife, I'm like there are just men, as many women not doing stuff and stepping it up. As there is men, it can look different to each one, but I think everybody's guilty of not putting effort into the relationship. So when it comes to disregarding boundaries, I I see a lot of wives doing that when it comes to social media and venting to their friends about their husbands, like I don't think it's. I don't think it's one way or another yeah, so maybe but we are talking about the men in this one.
Speaker 1:So, disregarding boundaries like I, absolutely, I absolutely think that's very, very important and that they need to be clearly talking about all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if and if you haven't set boundaries or talked about boundaries, it's really easy to um overstep or get in that great line. So that's something you want to sit down and talk about.
Speaker 1:That's where it's tricky. Like a husband shouldn't be expected to keep a boundary if it hasn't been set. Like, if a wife wants a boundary to be respected in the marriage, they need to be talked about and set together, not get in trouble for something that you never.
Speaker 1:To disgust, right? Yeah, like. Let's just throw out the example of liking other girls' photos on Instagram. Okay, because that's a hot topic with a lot of couples. Okay, if she has an issue with that, then she needs to respectfully talk to him about that. She can't get mad at him for that when they've never had that discussion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and hopefully most of our audience is not following hot girls on Instagram. You should be following one hot girl on Instagram. That's your wife.
Speaker 1:That's your wife and we're not telling you what to do and what not to do.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you what to do. Don't follow hot girls on Instagram.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, he's telling you what to do All right, we're 20 and a half social media. There's a lot of husbands that just have been done with social media. It's made their marriage so much better. Be careful. It's, it's, it's. If you're lusting, then you already know it's wrong and it's probably causing a problem in your marriage. Whether your wife a lot of wives are like I'm fine with it, I have, I have fine self-esteem, I'm okay with it, it's eventually gonna wreck something or I'm checking out guys.
Speaker 1:So ah, oh, the wife. Yeah, oh, I thought you meant I was like wait uh, the next one, avoiding responsibilities.
Speaker 2:Um, what do you think that looks like for I? I think I think we as men sometimes do that we put things off, and I know that for me. Sometimes I don't realize, you know, amy will say something and I kind of like, ah, okay, and I kind of just push it off because I don't realize how important it is to her, and that's. Those are kind of the discussions. When we get in more I wouldn't say an argument, but I I sometimes put things off or avoid responsibilities, knowing, not realizing how important something is to her. So I?
Speaker 1:I know I'm guilty of that because I don't feel like you.
Speaker 2:Well, you'll make a comment like oh, I, you know, I'd really like this, or I'd like the wall to be painted this color and I'm like I don't want to paint, and then I hope she forgets about it and I don't really ask every time I have.
Speaker 1:You've totally done it. I don't know what you're talking about. I think it's I can paint a wall. If I really want something done, right then then I should do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but then I feel guilty, as my wife's, in painting the wall and I'm like chilling, chilling all right, babe, I'll see you later anyways, I think I think whiz, men probably do that a little more than women do um avoiding responsibilities, and this one comes back to communication too, though, because we we just got done talking about a previous one like, if you want your husband to step it out and the up, step it up in the household responsibilities or the parenting or anything, you can't expect him to read your mind. You literally need to sit down and be like these are all the things that need to be done. I would love if you could just take more on. If that's what's needed in the relationship, we're all going to look different because a lot of men freak out.
Speaker 1:They're like I do the outside, I do the cars, I do the house maintenance, all that stuff. Like talk about that together. Bring that up to her. If you're feeling overwhelmed too, then that needs to be discussed. There's a lot of women that are like he doesn't do anything in the house. I have to do everything, yet he's like she doesn't even know how much I do outside of the house.
Speaker 2:Yeah, talk about that.
Speaker 1:And so those are conversations to be had when you start listing stuff out, and not that you're trying to make it equal, but it's supposed to feel fair. Right, that's my new favorite quote Like marriage will never be equal, but it has to feel fair. Like that takes conversation, like that takes continually talking, talking about is this feeling fair in this relationship? How can I step it out? How can you step it up? And that just brings back the whole. Responsibilities need to feel mutual, and that's where I mean we're talking about things husbands can do to bring more peace, and that mean and if you want advice in this one to be like, hey, how, what more can, instead of saying how can I help you because wives hate, what more can I do to take some stuff off your plate. That might be the right wording, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I totally agree with that. Okay, the next one is being overly critical, which is obviously constant criticism. I think that's definitely something that we, as men, sometimes do.
Speaker 1:I think some men are like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe a little more controlling or demanding.
Speaker 1:I'm experienced with that, my personality I'm a peacemaker, so I would say I probably don't have that one.
Speaker 2:I fall short in a lot of other areas. But yeah, I think being overly critical and just kind of complaining or putting them down hurting your spouses.
Speaker 1:I haven't taken a poll on this. I really don't know where couples lay. I would say that, though we're really critical, I would tend to say happens more with the women. But if you are falling into this as a man, maybe. Just my advice is chill out.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Chill out a little bit.
Speaker 2:Oh, the next one is neglecting romance. I do think that we, as men, have sometimes have an issue with that I think it's, but, but it goes okay it goes both ways before, before we say you need to date your wife better.
Speaker 1:You dated her when you dated her. It's got to keep going before you feel all guilty about it and you and men can can definitely step it up in this category. It goes both ways. Like a wife can't expect his wife to his, her husband, to be all romantic all the time when she's literally like denying sex all the time.
Speaker 2:Right, sure, and I know a lot of men are saying well, my wife doesn't even, you know, hardly give me the time of day. I I get it. But we as men, if you're in a healthy relationship and your wife, like you're making love often and things like that, I totally admit that as a man, you know, after we make love for a couple days, I'm probably not as affectionate, right like I'm not kissing you and holding hands which is fine for me yeah, which in our situation, amy's not physical touch, so she's fine with that right.
Speaker 2:So but for a lot of other people.
Speaker 1:Most women want that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's like oh you only touch me or do something when you want something, and so I think a lot of men do neglect neglect the romance. I also think a lot of men, a lot of men, neglect the romance because they're afraid of being denied.
Speaker 1:It's hard to give, give, give, give, give and not receive right, it is, it is, it is.
Speaker 2:I mean, I admit there's sometimes like I am not as romantic because Amy's like oh, I know what you want and I don't want to be rejected in that way it can sometimes feel transactional yeah. And rejection sucks. So I get this, but I think if we as men can do a better job of like just sincerely showing and being romantic, like opening our wives' doors, like I try to do this for Amy all the time, I don't think.
Speaker 2:I've ever there's nothing sexual about it. She knows that I'm not trying to get some, that you know, whatever I don't think there's nothing sexual about it.
Speaker 1:She knows that I'm not trying to get some, that you know. Whatever, I don't think I've ever opened my own door.
Speaker 2:It's just like there are things you can continue to do to be romantic, to show your wife how much she means to you. That don't make her feel like it's leading into the bedroom absolutely right.
Speaker 1:It's called chivalry. It should. Whether you want to be intimate or not, there are certain things that a man should always do for his wife. That just shows love. That just shows love.
Speaker 2:But we do and we've taken polls on this and I'd have to go back and look, but we did take a poll on this romance question. And the majority of women are like, yeah, we got pretty much no romance in our relationship.
Speaker 1:So a lot of men are like oh, my wife never wants anything.
Speaker 2:Why am I going to give her romance? That's a mistake. At least try to start giving her romance and see what happens.
Speaker 1:I think what do you have to lose, right, yeah, what do you have to lose?
Speaker 2:so you were romantic when you were dating. I can guarantee that.
Speaker 1:So so that literally there's no excuse for that to stop um.
Speaker 2:The next one is losing your temper easily. Um, obviously I think that's a mistake that a lot of men make that's a big mistake so yeah, is there much to say on that?
Speaker 1:if you want to have peace at home, don't lose your temper. I watched some. It was a really short podcast. Podcast clip the other day. We're having a hard time talking today.
Speaker 1:We are podcast, we are podcast clip the other day and it was a guy that called into a podcast or something and I don't know. It was someone famous, I remember who it was and he's like that you have no right to yell at your wife for any reason. He's like you're not a little tantrum throwing baby anymore. You have no right to throw anything, get upset and yell, you're a man. Learn how to control your emotions, literally.
Speaker 2:Like how old are you.
Speaker 1:And it just hit the way he was saying. He was so direct. He's like grow up, grow up. There is no reason that you can't control your emotions at 30, 40, 50 years old, 60, whatever. Like as a man and a wife too like there's a point where it's just like there's no reason to yell or to get angry. That's like the biggest turnoff in the world.
Speaker 2:Well, the great advice goes back to the podcast we did with tamera. Um, if you wouldn't say it to your boss, don't say it to your spouse, like we would never yell at our boss right, say it or do it. Yeah, so yeah I think that's a that's a great piece of wisdom and advice.
Speaker 2:And just talking, how, how you, just the one thing alone of how you talk to your wife in the tone of voice is is going to dictate so many things too, like if you're yelling at your wife and disrespecting her, she's never going to want to be connected and close or trust you this is not going to happen.
Speaker 1:No, it's a big turn off, it's not attractive. We always say here's another quote the tone of your voice creates the tone of your marriage. If you don't believe us try it, literally go weak, without ever raising your voice, and just see if the entire tone of your relationship is more peaceful yep, I hope that no one in the audience has this next issue, but it's being dishonest.
Speaker 2:um, obviously, if, if there's no trust in your marriage and you're not honest with your spouse, like you got bigger problems, that's just a given.
Speaker 1:So again, I think, I think most of our audience probably doesn't have an issue with this.
Speaker 2:Um, I think most of our audience are good men.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes people think like well, I don't, I don't lie, like I'm an honest person, but it's like even like going around things can be dishonesty, so like if you are going to play golf, don't like make up excuses. I mean, there's little things that we try to like kind of.
Speaker 1:Go to a business meeting for five hours. I'm going to a business meeting. I'm going to work. What are you really going to do? Like honesty, like you should be able to tell your spouse everything, even the little details. That's honesty, not little white lies. That's being dishonest. So I think that transparency is the word right.
Speaker 2:Yeah and the final one, which I think we, a lot of men as men do I certainly have done it is we prioritize work over our spouse and family I think it's I think it's so important to find that that good balance Like although your wife probably really appreciates how hard you work, I think sometimes we as men that can be a driving factor where we work becomes so important and making money that we do neglect our family and I think all if you don't have a great relationship and great family, what doesn't matter if you?
Speaker 2:have lots of money or a successful work. I think that that is something that I have absolutely struggled with in the past, and you know we I mean I work together and we talk about this often like finding that balance right because I think we're I think both of us are kind of workaholics, right, I mean I was.
Speaker 1:I didn't realize that.
Speaker 2:But you what? Nevermind are we both, I would say so I've definitely toned down a little bit, because I think it's now like I hardly remember that yeah, so anyways.
Speaker 1:I can personally say in my life I watched my parents and they had a good marriage, but my, my dad, and that's probably where I got my worth, ethic, ethic, it. I'm definitely like a dick. I can be addicted to work because I've always just been very career focused. I'm also addicted to my kids too, and my dogs and my husband oh, hold on notice where I came in that order.
Speaker 2:No, I didn't. That wasn't in order. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to fruit. I'm addicted to this. I'm addicted to this. Oh, and my husband's anyways, back on track.
Speaker 1:That was not in order by any means. Um, I watched my parents and my. My dad was very much like he had a business on the side of his full-time job, always trying to make more, and he was a good husband. But I think, like my dad's passed on. But he taught me a lot of good things. But I also learned that his, his work, always seemed a little more important to me than the family or his marriage. I'm not saying it wasn't important to him, I just kind of always felt like that was the most important thing.
Speaker 1:And I think that he did it out of a heart of love, and that's what I want to say is that I think he felt like he was giving and loving our family by supporting and giving us stuff and we weren't rich by any means, but he worked really, really hard and I think he did it out of love. And that's a lot of husbands that's what they say is like well, that's how I give love. There is more that you have to do as a loving husband than just work and provide.
Speaker 1:like providing is so much more like we talked about recently and so yeah, being worked addict, addicted to work is it's not a good thing when it's when it's past that healthy balance yeah, you got to find that we have been like stumbling and mumbling this whole episode. It's like we need to take a little break. So anyways, yeah, hopefully you understood what you were saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hopefully this has been a beneficial podcast. Maybe there's some things you can work on do better at. We really appreciate all of you listening to the podcast. Please consider leaving us a review. We should have thousands and thousands of reviews based upon how many people listen to the podcast.
Speaker 1:People just don't have the time to leave reviews.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say this, Amy, and I love doing this, and if you enjoy the podcast and listen to them, look at doing a review as like supporting us and saying, hey, I want you to keep doing the podcast.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be really appreciated. That would be very much appreciated. So, anyways, thank you for that, hope you enjoyed it and until next time.
Speaker 2:we hope each one of you find hope and intimacy in your relationship.