The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
286. Answering The Most Common Questions We Get From Couples With LMFT Austin Ellis
We get so many of you reaching out to us with questions and concerns or stating things that you are facing in your relationships. The 4-5 questions or statements we get are almost always the same things that couples are navigating or seeking answers and solutions to.
To help us answer these important topics, we wanted to bring on a marriage expert who deals with thousands of couples that also struggle with many of the same things. In this episode, we talk with Austin Ellis (LMFT). Austin offers great advice and solutions to resolve these common issues that so many couples are dealing with.
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 700,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
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The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
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You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat-out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 3:It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy, and welcome to the podcast. We got a fantastic guest with us today, amy and I well, how do I say this? We get so many questions from people and they always seem to be the same types of questions and a lot of times, you know, we don't know how to answer these questions. But we have a good friend, austin Ellis, who is a marriage and family therapist Did I get that right Licensed marriage and family therapist that we have on the podcast today that we're really excited about and have a great discussion, kind of talking about some of the most, I guess, common things that people reach out to us about.
Speaker 2:Rejection, emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, betrayal of trust all the good stuff right.
Speaker 3:Not good stuff. Well, it depends on how you look at it, I guess.
Speaker 3:Not good stuff, but Austin we've really got to know Austin a lot over the past several months and we've actually seen him completely transform the relationships of people that Amy and I know very well. I mean, we've seen firsthand the amazing stuff that he does and the hope that he brings for so many couples that are looking to find that ultimate intimacy in their relationship, no matter where they're at. So, like I said, we've seen firsthand. We're really excited to have you on Austin. So welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 4:Appreciate it. Thank you, I'm super excited to be here and looking forward to diving into this stuff that so many people face and give some solid tools and direction on how to repair, how to connect deeply, direction on how to how to repair, how to connect deeply, like that's. One of the cool things about my work is see, transformation. You see, people come from these things that feel daunting, oftentimes where they're like we don't see a path forward, and they find it and they walk it and they get where they want to be, which is really cool, very cool.
Speaker 3:Well, thanks for having me so, so true, and again hitting back on it. That's exactly what what we've seen with the people that we know is they were in a dark place and now their marriage seems to be just thriving and doing really well. Because of's probably a lot of you out there listening that, uh, you know we're really maybe in a dark place or a different place in your relationship, feeling like maybe there's not a lot of hope, but we are here to tell you that there is hope and, with the right tools and the right help, you can literally transform your marriage to him to a marriage that you really never thought was possible. I mean, amy and I are one of these couples that you really never thought was possible. I mean, amy and I are one of these couples that had a marriage that was in a deep and dark place and I can speak for myself but I feel like we now have the marriage that I never really or always dreamed of having.
Speaker 2:But it takes constant work for sure. It does Constant work, yeah, so should we dive in.
Speaker 3:Let's dive in, let's do it.
Speaker 2:We kind of just take like he was saying. You know we get lots of questions but the majority 80 of them all kind of like end up being the same kind of topic, right, and so we picked like four or five of our top questions that people are kind of just always asking in their own ways. So let's jump with the first one. Um, I had a wife reach out and ask the lack of sex for my husband and the lack of emotional intimacy for the for the wife or her. Is that reoccurring argument in our home? How do we fix this continual disagreement? And we talk about this um all the time in our podcast, that gap, you know he's not getting the sex because she's not the emotional intimacy first. And then we start getting into that battle of who goes first.
Speaker 3:You know that and I think every marriage in the world at one point has dealt with this right or is or is always dealing with. Yeah, like like I, as a husband, am frustrated because maybe I don't feel like we're making love enough, so I'm gonna withhold the emotional intimacy. And she's upset she's not getting the emotional intimacy, so she's withholding the sexual intimacy. It's like two magnets on the opposite way. You're trying to push them together, but they're naturally just going further apart.
Speaker 2:It's hard, it's really really hard it is hard.
Speaker 4:Yeah, one of the things that's really cool. This is a very common dynamic and we often, you know, talk about the sexual and the emotional, and there's in my work around this for years, I started to develop a different type of language around it that kind of transcended that traditional struggle and when I started to call it was, I said we need this soul to soul intimacy. We talked about emotional and sexual, but this soul to soul concept is really this vision of the overarching relationship. What are you trying to do? You're not trying to just have a good sexual relationship, you're not trying to have just a good emotional relationship. Sometimes you're parenting children, you're navigating finances, household, you want admiration, you want fun, you want the whole right ultimate intimacy package.
Speaker 4:But this gap that we tend to see between couples, it really when we as husband and wife, when we start to see each other really as the best version of each other, right, like we marry potential, right, we marry people that aren't perfect but we love and we want to connect with.
Speaker 4:And one of the things that I learned early in my career this is you know, there's different kind of theories behind this answer, but they say you know, women are more emotionally driven to connect and men are more sexually driven to connect, and I think what's interesting is that's not always across the board the case.
Speaker 4:What we need to learn in our individual relationships, in my opinion, is what attracts my partner to me in the way that I want them to want to connect to me right.
Speaker 4:And so when we get into this conversation of like I want more of this, I want more of this, we're very frequently sharing what we want, but we're not often listening to what our partner needs right, and then we get into this conflict where neither person is getting either the sexual or the emotional connection right. And so one of the best things I see in my you know, when I'm with clients is I just start to ask these questions what would help you feel most connected emotionally or sexually? What would help you most connected emotionally or sexually? What would help you, for example, in this dynamic, to a spouse hey, hey, wife, what would help you want to be more intimate? Because I would like to be more intimate, but I also want to meet your needs. And if she starts to say emotional intimacy, a guy might say I don't. What does that mean? So for him to intently learn like she will give you the answer, guys, she will give you the answer.
Speaker 4:It's not like a treasure hunt, like if you ask sincerely, she will tell you. Hey, these things help me feel emotionally close when you come and you listen to me, when you don't criticize me, when you support me. Sometimes it's help around the house or understanding her challenges. Same thing for women, right? Hey, I want you to be more emotionally engaged. What would help that? And a man might say well, it'd be great if you know we could be more intimate. And I would expand this concept of intimacy, even sexual intimacy.
Speaker 4:There's a researcher, barry McCarthy, and his wife have done a lot of studies on couples and intimacy and he says you need to expand your sexual intimacy not just to sex and intercourse. Of view, like the flirt in the kitchen, right, the little tickle or the you know hand on the back or the smile, like all that is part of what leads to good sexual intimacy. It's this consistent doses, or, you know, adding in of love that allow the constancy of connection. And so a lot of couples are hungry, right, they're starved, they're like I'm not getting any of what I need and they're both not pouring in. And so if you're a couple in this dynamic, I would sit down and I would, each individually, and I would do this as a team, like we have a marriage. We're partners in creating this really good relationship.
Speaker 4:I'm going to share what would help me feel really connected and happy and you can contribute to helping me bring my best self. Let's both do that exercise, write a list and then take the time to share it, not in a, you know, frustrated take kind of way. But hey, I'm going to share my soul with you. I'm going to open up to what works for me and you're going to open up with what works for you. And then we're going to make a decision as a team and if you both go forward with trust right, like I'm going to try my best to be my best self and you're both doing that it's going to reduce the conflict and it's going to help you each get more and more of what you want, hopefully, and it's going to help you each get more and more of what you want Hopefully. That's a succinct and helpful answer.
Speaker 2:I love that. I love it.
Speaker 3:And I want all of you in the audience to hear. What he talked about is communication. You hear us talk about that all the time, right? But how often do we get people reaching out to us that say, oh, my wife just won't do this, or my husband won't do this, and the very first question we ask, well, if you talk to him about it? Well, no, I'm too scared to talk to him about it.
Speaker 2:And it's that continuous argument that's always come.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, if you can't sit down and be like, like you said, let's do this as a team, like this is we're a marriage, this is a team Like we both have to be putting in and receiving right.
Speaker 3:Exactly so. I love that you really hit on communication again, because, although we talk about that often, it is vital. I feel like almost anything can get resolved with good, open and honest communication. Yet so many people are scared to have it, and maybe that leads us into another question. Oh, go ahead.
Speaker 4:Yeah, let me just add one, one quick piece there. It's really valuable, like this soul to soul intimacy concept. Like you know, we're talking in this stereotypical way men want more sex when we want more emotional connection. But really when I get into a session with people, it's not typically that men just want sex. It's it's their easiest way to connect. But all the times I hear men say like, oh, we're having plenty of sex, she's not into it, we're not really connecting.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 4:And really recognizing, like you want a soul-to-soul sexual experience where it's not just body-to-body but it's heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind. There's laughter, there's play, there's eye contact. Mind, there's laughter, there's play, there's eye contact, like it's. It's not just an orgasm, it's connection. And so when people start to expand their sexuality and they go, hey, when we have this meaningful conversation that allows us to have better intimacy. Hey, when we snuggle on the couch or or, you know, connect emotionally, that allows for better sexuality. And so expanding sexuality from just body to body, to right, all aspects of husband and wife is really valuable.
Speaker 3:I'm so glad you hit on that, because so many women just say, oh, my husband just wants sex, and so many men are like, no, it's not about that, because I, if my wife's not enjoying it, I don't want it like. I want her to enjoy it and and so I mean it's so. I wish, I wish women could really understand that sex to a man is not just. It's not just sex, it's not just about having an orgasm, it's so much more?
Speaker 2:Do you feel like a husband's have a hard time expressing that to their wives, like what sex really means or what really good sex looks like to them? Do you feel like that's a barrier?
Speaker 4:Yeah, I would say honestly, most couples have a limited perspective of how amazing it can feel. Unfortunately, for most couples, the best part is the orgasm. The truth is right the best part should be the whole experience of this connectedness. I was thinking about this the other day. I was working, I think, with a couple and some old kind of literature came to my mind and they said, like one of the best ways to tell if a couple is connecting during sex is do they have eye contact right? Can they talk, like during the process? Can they speak to one another and say things like that feels good, or I would like this, or can we try this?
Speaker 4:Often when I'm working with couples, I say you're having sex, but you can't even talk about it. If you can't talk about it, then you're just being mechanical, you're not. There's not a flow there, it's just a, it's just an action. There's not a flow there, it's just a, it's just an action. It's not a right love making process. And so, yeah, I think this ability that so few people have, can we discuss this without negative emotion, right, we bring up this really beautiful thing that we can share in frustration or, you know, nagging or criticism Like that doesn't make me excited to like try better, right, if I can go and say, hey, this is a valuable part of our relationship to me and I would like it to be valuable for you also. Let's learn together and being open to maybe the thing that you think will make your partner like it might actually turn them off right. And so if the shared goal is this really beautiful connecting experience, it really is this learning process from each other.
Speaker 4:And I work with couples often where someone will say this you know, this position or this thing is really valuable to me and it can turn into something at the other's expense, where they're like I really enjoy this, but but you don't, and now it's a selfish thing, it's not a gift thing. And so I can give the couple understanding like we may have a skewed view of what will bring real deep connection in that experience and that's that's a cool journey to go on. Can we figure out how this is just amazing each time and, um, you know there's variables in that Like sometimes couples are like, hey, we both like the quickie Cool, sometimes we like to take more time Cool. Like having that understanding through dialogue, um, that's going to feel more soul to soul more united, and then it works does that make sense?
Speaker 2:oh, absolutely, and I think that united feeling comes from going on that journey together, right like, let's try this, let's try this, let's try, let's experiment, let's I mean the quickies, the long that all those different experiences are what create, make it a journey. Right, that's where you find ultimate intimacy is by like going on that journey and like learning together and feeling that united.
Speaker 4:but that takes communication, yeah, and back to your, back to your question, Amy. I think men really have a hard time verbalizing like. This isn't just about an orgasm. This isn't just about like. Men do tend to connect more deeply through sexual intimacy. One of the challenges, though, is men often have a hard time verbalizing. I love being connected to you. It often feels like to a woman you are connecting to sex and it doesn't matter if I'm here and so I think finding this way to say I like I'm not seeking sex, I'm seeking connection with you in sexuality.
Speaker 4:It's you that I want to connect with. I think that goes a long way with women to feel like they're not you know an object or being used, or it's you know it's Tuesday night, so he's got to get some, it's it's got to be about. I want to connect to you and I think when men, you know, and women can verbalize like I want to come out of this experience, feeling what ideally you're both coming out, feeling adored, cherished, loved, valued, respected not well, that was a cool you know 20 minute experience. Thanks for making me feel good. It's, it's meant to be this. Loving you know experience, 20 minute experience. Thanks for making me feel good. It's, it's meant to be this loving you know experience. And so often it's just a physical thing, that really connecting for either.
Speaker 3:Well, I think too I don't want to take much time on this, but just to hit on this if it really was just physical for men, they would just go take care of themselves and they wouldn't. It wouldn't matter if they got rejected and it wouldn't be hurtful if they got rejected, all those things.
Speaker 2:But I think that just shows that, like men, they crave being intimate with their spouse, because it is so much more than just the physical thing, and so well, doesn't it teach us so much now the fact that we're getting so many wives saying I'm the one with the higher drive, I'm feeling that rejection now, I'm feeling that lack of the emotional and the sexual rejection now, right that, and they're understanding what a lot of men are explaining, and it's like wives feel that too, so like we're actually so much more alike than we actually think we are Right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'll keep this brief, but so often what I'm seeing in my practice, when women are the higher desire partner, they have a little bit better ability to verbalize. It's not just the sex that I'm after, like, I'm really wanting to connect with you, in fact a lot of higher drive women will say I'm actually really starved for emotional connection and the only way I seem to be able to get any of him is through sex. So I seek out sex, right, and if we think about this, hey, I fell in love with this person and I wanted to give myself and share myself with them. And now they're feeling, you know, alone, rejected, abandoned, whatever. And and when they're saying I want to connect with you, that's a, that's an amazing thing. They want to connect with you. Whether it's an amazing thing, they want to connect with you, whether it's emotionally or sexually, like that's a good thing, right, and so, absolutely with you know this desire.
Speaker 4:So often we're, we're trying to get something through sex that sex alone doesn't bring right. You can have completely disconnected, even like emotionally painful sex. So the act of body to body does not alone bring the connection. I often tell people the best physical sex is one third of the experience you can have, the highest physical fantasy come true and you're still missing out on this emotional connection and this feeling and this I call it, that soul to soul piece like all of me I'm bringing to the table. And if you can encompass all of that in a relationship throughout, um, where the right, the whole thing is good, like that's just again, that's ultimate intimacy. You guys are are teaching and sharing and experiencing, which which is really cool.
Speaker 2:What do you say? The soul to soul part of the sexual intimacy. Is that kind of the spiritual intimacy section?
Speaker 4:Yeah, I think of that, yep, and I think of right, like, do we have a shared vision? Like? You know, what are we trying to create here? A lot of people have a family, they're creating a life together, and so that spiritual component obviously can be like some form of religious belief. I even like to talk about the spiritual like.
Speaker 4:I'm more than just my sexuality, I'm more than just my emotional state or my mindset. I'm more than my physical body. I want to share that with my partner. You know the way my inner workings are. So, so often couples are disconnected until they come together for sex, or they're disconnected until they have a conversation.
Speaker 4:But if we, throughout our lives, are really letting each other into our inner workings, our fears, our dreams, our hopes, right, and we're co-creating this vision, right. So, with my wife, she has. We're on a path of growth, right, this vision of who she's striving to be, and she's there most of the time, to be honest. But we pursue this path of growth, and I do as well, and so, understanding that you know what's getting in your way, way, what worries you, what are you excited about? Like, that's to me that soul to soul piece is that ability to share all of us. When that's in place, um then we're. We're getting all of it across the board. Sometimes we're feeling connected through intellectual conversation, sometimes through recreational play, sometimes through sex, sometimes through a conversation about our children, sometimes right Like bringing all of us together, is that concept to me of soul to soul intimacy?
Speaker 3:Love that, yeah, I love that a lot and kind of hitting on expanding on this subject of what we're talking about. We see so many people, both men and women, that reach out to us and oftentimes say rejection hurts so bad that I've just stopped even trying to initiate, uh, because I would rather not even try than get rejected. Um, and so we see a lot of people that are like virtually in almost sexless marriages, to where they're so terrified or so scared of rejection that they've gotten to the point they don't even try anymore, and this is for both men and women. Um, what are the, what are the consequences or what are the pitfalls of having that um attitude versus you know, um trying to I guess you know, or facing your fear and to trying to figure out what's going on? I mean what?
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's such an important question. You know, I think it's so sad to see couples start out happy, right, they typically have this beautiful celebration of their love and like we're coming together and we're you know we're going to take on the world and, against all odds, like we're going to do this, like couples aren't unaware of divorce rate statistics and even more than divorce rate statistics, a lot of couples just aren't happy. Right, we start with this hope. Right, we hope and believe that like we can do it, and somewhere along the lines we start to lose that. And so often couples accept this mediocrity or this mundane or even miserable connection.
Speaker 4:And so one of the most valuable things I've learned to do and seen couples do is help them reconnect to why they started this relationship right. And, granted, it's not always started in the right way. Sometimes it's a one night stand where someone gets pregnant and they're like, hey, let's do, you know, let's get married and try to do this thing. But regularly it started with good intentions of I want to be connected to you, I want to be a good spouse and experience love together. And so when we in this session, if I can help couples reconnect to why they started and how good it felt early on, when there was passion and excitement, and very frequently, like, if I ask a question like what was it like in the beginning, they'll share magic. We were talking late into the night, we had early morning work or school, but we just have this energy for one another. Yeah, and very frequently they're showing me you've already done it successfully. Like you did it, you were you feeling connected yes, were you feeling connected?
Speaker 4:yes, did you want to be intimate? Yes, did you? Yes, I'm like, okay, you had elements in place that made it work. What happened? And we can typically start to see where something came in. Was it stress from work? Was it, you know? Exhaustion from children? What like was it? You know? A stressful situation? And when I can help couples and this is a cool process I guide where I help them really kind of go back to those times where they felt this deep bond. They each reconnect to that feeling and then they bring that into the present day moment. So oftentimes couples wake up and they're bringing the same frustration from yesterday. I got rejected.
Speaker 3:Now I'm grumpy.
Speaker 4:I'm going to let you know I'm grumpy and I'm going to hope that my grumpiness causes you to want to be with me.
Speaker 4:That doesn't make sense. And so being able to connect internally to yourself, like if you're the partner feeling this consistent rejection, right, that's pain, that's real pain, and there's good chance your, your partner, is also feeling similar pain. Both of you are missing out on something that was beautiful for both of you, and this is where you both you both lose each individually and the relationship. And so in therapy we have this concept, us therapists, um, people come in and and they're playing this game called find the bad guy right, and they're trying to convince the therapist whose fault it is, yeah, right, and who sinisterly lost this marriage right.
Speaker 4:And I try to help them see you're both losing out on something beautiful and so helping them see that, like you, you had something beautiful. You're both losing and you both want it back, but you want it back in different ways. Let's bring, let's bring all the good back right, because very rarely in the beginning was either person feeling deprived right. And men you know the stereotypical way is men were way more conversational and way more available and way more attentive and attuning and listening and a wife was like, yeah, let's connect. I want to. I want to be intimate with you, not want sex, for a woman it's typically I want to go share myself with you because I feel close to you.
Speaker 4:And then what happens is, you know, couples get married or down the line and a man says I want to have sex with you and she's like wait, why don't you want to connect with me, why don't you want to talk to me anymore? Why don't you be thoughtful during the day? And again, I'm not trying to put this all on men right at all, but I think there's these common dynamics that we see where couples miss each other yeah so I just to reiterate there's this really cool.
Speaker 4:It's pretty short process, 10-15 minutes where I guide couples. You know they're sitting side by side and they guide. I have them close their eyes and guide them back to, like wedding day or that first date or right. Couples all have this moment where it's like this is where that spark happened.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 4:I just like I saw you and like I didn't want to live without you, kind of thing. Right, if I guide them back there and they can tap in emotionally to that spot again, and then they can bring that present day and I see this in my sessions. I bring them back, I'm like, okay, open your eyes and they feel that emotion of love and sometimes there's tears. Then I have them turn towards each other and it's a totally new conversation than what they were having 10 minutes previous. He's more connected to him, she's more connected to her. And I say, okay, how do you feel about your partner? I love her and I'm just, I'm grateful for him. Cool, now let's discuss your intimacy issues and we talk about sex and we talk about emotional connection and we talk about, you know, parenting and finances and whatever it is. And it's a totally different conversation because the anger and the grumpiness and the frustration and the rejection is we just work through that. Does that make?
Speaker 2:sense.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love it. It makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 2:It's literally perfectly said.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Thank you. We're going to end on one more question, okay, and this one goes right along with it, because this all comes down to the process that you just gave. But in this process you just gave, where you had them. Turn to each other, bring back that memory and want to move forward. Right, fix what's going on, what? This is the question what do I do when my husband quit therapy and won't go back, but he's disrespectful or holds emotional intimacy withholds and still thinks I should desire to be intimate with him? Now, you kind of covered that, but the question is what about that couple that can't get one of the spouses back into that office? Like, what about those couples we get so many messages of? My spouse has checked out, my spouse doesn't even want to try anymore, but because we have kids together, because they're going to ruin me financially, all those things, we're staying together and we're miserable as heck. Right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, what is?
Speaker 2:that solution. How do you even get someone back in the office?
Speaker 4:Right. So there's two important aspects to that, so I'll stay with how do we get someone in the office first, right, and I think we have to be coming from a place of genuine care, which can be hard when you're hurting, right, but if you go, okay, I want this relationship to be better. And the truth is, in the beginning of my career probably the first six years, I would say a large majority of my couples weren't in love anymore. They were together like we have kids or, you know, like we're staying together for some reason, and that loving feeling had been taken out. It was more hurt and frustration, right, but I saw again and again love be rekindled.
Speaker 4:Um, so the way to do that, if you're that person, who you're like, I want this to be good again. Like, um, I need them to check in and they're not. I think one of the things is you have to connect to like your deepest self and see is there a value in you? That's not just I want a loving relationship, but I want to be a loving person. Okay, and most people do. Most people are hey, I'm trying to be really loving and I'm getting like I'm not getting it in return.
Speaker 4:Right, but I think check that value and you determine is that yours and you go. Okay, yes, I want to be a loving person and I do want a loving marriage and my partner doesn't seem to want that. If you can tap into that, then you go to your partner in that space of lovingness. Right, and some of this I'll be a little transparent with this some of this this is some selfish motivation, right, you're in pain, you don't want to be anymore right so coming to help the spouse and to help yourself itself, which believe is okay, right.
Speaker 4:So you come to your spouse and for some of you, it may be better to write a letter, to be honest letters talked about.
Speaker 3:We've talked about that exactly how it's easier to get your thoughts on paper sometimes they're easier to.
Speaker 4:Um, right, we misread each other. People trigger off of like eyebrow raises and like like tones of voices, right, so write a heartfelt letter and I would start with care. Or, if you're having a conversation, hey, I really value you and this relationship and I believe it could be amazing for both of us. It might not be right now, but sharing that like I believe we could create something really magical, amazing for both of us, and start to describe what you'd be open to if your needs were being met. Okay, and so you're giving the partner success and this vision, like, hey, if we could connect, like I think I'd want to be more intimate and.
Speaker 4:I'd be willing to try some more things that you've been frustrated about. I think if you and I could work on connection, it would really help our kids with this and this and this Like try to tap into a deeper part of them, which some of your partners are maybe, let's call, a little hardened, right, they're not really softened to your loving attempts, but you're trying to speak past maybe that pride or that hurt that they're carrying and you're inviting this is an important carrying and you're inviting this is an important word. You're inviting them into something more like that. So they're aware they're not happy. They're aware you're not happy.
Speaker 4:Nobody's having fun and you're saying hey, I'd love to go somewhere better with you and I'm willing to take some steps. What can I do that would help? You want to connect more? Okay? So instead of going to them and saying, hey, I need you to be a better spouse and I do all this stuff for you and you never again, their motivation to change is going to be gone. And so this invitation, I call it upwards. Right, we're in this low, not fun place. Hey, will you come with me to a better place? It looks like this. It looks like you're smiling and I'm smiling and we have plenty of sex and we have plenty of intimacy and our kids are laughing. And right, can you come to this place with me? Can you come back to therapy? Um, and let's coach our therapist on specifically what we need, okay? So I'm going to just go into that just real brief.
Speaker 4:So often couples put their whole important life into the hands of a stranger. And they say, hey, it's not working. Make us better. If you're going to a therapist and putting it all in their hands, trusting their expertise, that's nice, but I would coach them specifically on what you need. Okay, today, this week, we want to address this thing right.
Speaker 4:We want to address how Johnny just doesn't feel respected and he doesn't feel respected. He's really not very motivated. Johnny and I talked about this before we came and we know that if we can, you know, work through this hurdle, it will help us with the next one right. And so this is your marriage, this is your life, this is your happiness. You got to take it into your own hands and not just put it in the hands of a therapist which that can sound strange coming from a therapist but not just put it in the hands of a therapist which that can sound strange coming from a therapist. But we can be more successful if we know that the needs that you have and the wants that you have for that week, with that being said, real quick again going back to the starting question, amy, if you're that partner and your partner's just checked out won't come to therapy, I think if you tap into that loving place, like I mentioned, and come to them and they still say, no, okay, this happens right where you're trying in all the ways you know how to get them to engage, then I think you have to, for a time, be willing to look at you and go. I can't lose me to these dynamics, right. So often people give themselves a pass like well, if you're going to be your worst self, I am too right. I mean hope is then really hard to get again, and so this is very common as painful, like sometimes, a spouse has to be the bigger person for a little while and go okay, I'm not getting my needs met. I'm going to have to really take care of myself, love myself and decide how long do I keep going trying to love? Now, I will share this. I shared this with the two of you a while ago, and this is important, and I'm going to word this carefully, because blame is not valuable for any relationship, but understanding is and this is good news if used the right way. Okay. So, my brothers, my men, okay, if you're experiencing this space one of two ways, where your wife is trying to get you to buy in and you won't, or if you're trying to get her to buy in and she won't, here's the good news. Okay, this is research-based, like we see it again and again. It didn't make sense to me, but I kept seeing it in my practice, and then I saw some research on it and other therapists were like, hey, this is what it is okay. So here's the good news. Okay, in large measures, the success of the relationship is in the hands of a man, and I'll share why that is okay. But knowing it's in the hands of a man, this is what we see.
Speaker 4:A woman, for example, can do everything, can be super sexual, have sex three times a day, every day, whatever. All the, all the sexuality right. She can take on a big percentage of the household duties, the children raising, whatever, and um, and men can just like you know, they're providing, they're playing video games, they're going out with their buddies, whatever, um. And she's like, hey, I'm doing everything. And I see this in my practice. A man will come and he's like I don't, I don't know, we're here. I'm like super happily married. And she's like, yes, you are, because I'm doing everything, my needs are not being met. And he's like what? And I've seen this a lot of times where guys are like you're not happy, this is amazing for me, and she's like, yes, it would be amazing for you, so okay, so that happens, and this is what the research shows.
Speaker 4:A woman can do all those things and a man can be happy and still not treat her well and meet her needs.
Speaker 4:Okay, not treat her well and meet her needs Okay.
Speaker 4:On the flip side, a man when he's checked in and really understanding and proactively loving her, one of two things happens.
Speaker 4:Even if a woman's checked out, she's not being intimate, as soon as she starts to feel that he cares about her not just for sex she comes back in. We see this again and again. She feels safe, she feels respected and she starts meeting those needs. Or she's willing to have a conversation and start to look at what might be getting in the way for her. So she goes you're right, you are super safe and I do trust you and you let go of those things that were, you know, painful for me and you're really like helping out. And she's like, okay, I want to connect, but I do have some blocks. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's trauma, maybe it's hurt, but now she's getting her needs met and she's more willing to say, okay, I got some work to do so I can connect because I want to again does that make sense, absolutely absolutely and so for the the couples I work with a lot of times men can feel picked on with that, and it's not a criticism.
Speaker 4:I think there's some important reasons for that. That. Maybe we go into it another time, but it ties into a safety factor that is more vulnerable for women than men across the board, and so when women feel that security, taken care of, feel that proactivity from him of like love, not just to get sex right, that's honestly typically where sex starts to work out, which, again, that's not the whole goal. It's just that for a lot of couples, if that part's working well, it's because the other parts are working well too yeah, it's just one big picture yeah, it really is right, it's the team, it's that unified team, right?
Speaker 2:it takes a lot of communication, yeah right well I answered that last one okay oh, absolutely, yeah, I think it's great. Yeah, I think it's. It's how you, it's how you present it right right you have to get an attractive invitation.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I go out with my couples all the time, like if I'm inviting you into a fight or into criticism or pain, I'm not coming to that party. But if I'm inviting you like, look, yeah, we've struggled, but there's this amazing thing, you want to go there, so let's check it out, it's gonna be rad for you like, oh, hey, okay, let's do that right.
Speaker 2:And I have a hard time believing the people that come to us in pain and agony in some of these situations. I have a hard time believing that the other spouse deep down inside doesn't want that Right Like, doesn't want to find that peace and unity and happiness again, like I mean the one spouse will be like no, they're completely checked out. We done, I'm like I I bet if you guys could get to a point where you could have a conversation around love and you could really dig at whatever's keeping that barrier up, I bet that your spouse, this is not what they want yeah, they probably want the same thing you do yeah, always when I'm with a couple, even and it's not uncommon like we know that 85 of, like first therapy sessions are driven by females.
Speaker 4:That's, I mean, statistically accurate. So a lot of times men may be willing, but a lot of times they don't want to be there. But very quickly if I can help them feel understood and give them some space to share.
Speaker 3:Men are also asking for emotional connection well, and I think too, if a husband sees that, um, there's progress being made, or that how much his wife, I guess you know needs from him, or how happy that will make her, of course he's gonna immediately say well, yeah, and I'll do anything to, you know, make her happy and the great thing that I have gotten to know about you is that you want people to succeed and to be happy.
Speaker 2:You want you want them to come in to heal, to find that ultimate intimacy in their marriage and then to go and live that and I've seen that in real life like I. It's amazing. I appreciate that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, like it's it's just like when you've seen that in real life, like I. It's amazing. I appreciate that. Yeah, I think it's. It's just like when you've seen couples come from what they come from. And you know, the first part of my career was all betrayal, it was all affairs, addiction, lies. I mean, it was hard, the heavy, heavy, heavy trauma, um, as a clinician in Las Vegas, and it's the hardest of hard.
Speaker 4:And we painted this vision. Like even with all this pain, there's this amazing thing that you get to create, and I used to always use this analogy. I'd say look like your old marriage, like that one's broken, like the foundation is cracked, like I don't know that we can fix that one, but we can help you create a brand new one. And here's what it looks like. And very frequently it's what they thought they wanted in the beginning, but they didn't know how to get it and they tried their best to get there and you know they had their limited skill sets, their limited perspectives. Very frequently they were following the example of mom and dad, who may have not gotten it right either.
Speaker 4:Right right and so, as you said, like, um, you know, at this point in my career, I've just seen so many couples come through honestly impossible odds and with the right tools and the right vision and the right commitment, they can create it. And it doesn't have to be like, oh, we'll start enjoying our marriage in five years. It's like, no, let's start doing some things now that help you start enjoying it, enjoying it today. And if you do that day after day after day, then you go, oh, we have this amazing thing. Look, it was great three days ago, it was a great three years ago. And uh, yeah, I don't know that there's anything at this point that I don't think couples can come through that's awesome with great, great effort and really have like a really amazing relationship. That's amazing.
Speaker 3:Well, and hitting on what Amy said, the thing I've been really impressed with is I've kind of had a negative attitude towards therapists a little bit, because I feel like I've watched people that I know and family that have been in therapy for five or six years. It never gets better. In fact, sometimes it gets worse. And I feel like you know, the therapists are there to make money, right, as long as people are sick, they're making money that I've noticed the complete difference with you that you give the. You give people tools to be able to get them out of their situation quickly and then give them the tools that they need so that they can continue on and know the things they need to do to thrive in their marriage.
Speaker 3:I mean, we've watched, you know, like we've talked about, we've watched a couple that you've worked with and how quickly they've gone from a struggle to, I would say, you know, doing really, really well in their relationship and they've had the tools. And so, as a lot of you out there are listening, I think a lot of people think, well, if I get help with a therapist, I'm going to be in this a long time and things like that. But I'm telling you right now from experience, that if you're looking for someone that can really give you the tools and help you help you heal very quickly and get to a good place in your marriage Austin is the guy that you're gonna want to talk to. And he offers. Austin, you offer, I know you offer a lot of things. You offer things for men, like some retreats that you do. You want to just kind of hit on a little bit, uh kind of some of the, some of the things and ways that you can help couples uh together and also individually sure, yeah, I appreciate that.
Speaker 4:Like, let me just start start with a little background and my story is a little unique and I won't go too deep into it. But, uh, the honestly, the sole reason I became a therapist was I was trying to figure out me and my marriage. Um, I didn't actually intend to, like, become a clinician and I was like I'm broken. We've seen a few therapists and I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse. I start struggling with a pornography addiction at that time and, um, it was rough, it was hard. We had had an, you know, our first child and I was like I don't know how to do this thing, both the parenting and the husbanding husbanding, as I call it, and so you know, I was learning all these things as a cloth like for myself, and I was going to therapy and there was all this theory and I'm like, okay, cool, it's not translating to repair and and one of the things you said I appreciate like I didn't want to be in therapy forever. I wanted to get the tools, I wanted to know how to do it and I wanted it to get better and I kept not finding it.
Speaker 4:To be honest with you, I became the director of a clinic in Las Vegas and then another one. I moved and was a director of a clinic there. We were trying to solve that problem. And I moved and was a director of a clinic there and we were trying to solve that problem. We had like 25, 35 new couples every week coming to our clinic and we just couldn't serve them all. I'm like we can't take a long time. It doesn't work to have years of unproductive therapy. So I stepped back from that clinic and decided I'm going to learn everything I can to see if we can speed up this process.
Speaker 4:And over the course of a year I started to combine some things into what I call a breakthrough process and I started to do this with clients and basically I'd spend a day, you know, I'd do a little prep with them. I'd spend like six to eight hours and we'd just spend time like let's get to the core of the issue. And every time couples can shift that with the right tools and they come out of that day and they see a path forward. They're reconnected like it's not. I taught them how to reconnect. No, they reconnected in that breakthrough session. They connected to themselves, they connect to each other and they go okay, we, we, we can do this better. Um, and then we map out a path forward and they see again those elements that they need to have in place.
Speaker 4:You know, you, some people hear the analogy of like a marriage is like a plant or a tree, like it needs nourishment, it needs love, it needs affection, right, and so these breakthrough process are cool because I've had couples um, very regularly. I'm like the fifth, sixth therapist and couples are like oh, we need something different. I go cool, breakthrough, let's do that. And, um, I've had a lot of couples like that was more valuable than the five years of therapy we've done before. It got to the core of our needs, it shifted it. We see each other differently, we understand each other and when a couple feels empowered that they can do it and they're not dependent on a therapist, that's pretty cool. Now they still have work to do. That's one thing. The breakthrough sessions Every couple I start with I say I say like, let's do a breakthrough, that eight hours with me is way more valuable than spreading that hour over the next two months right.
Speaker 3:Well, and I actually like that you approach it that way, because I think you can get it. You know meeting an hour and then you go back to everyday life and things like that. I think you know getting in that rhythm, so to speak, and spending more time together. I mean, you can, you could learn a lot more. It's not like every time you go back you're starting over, for, yeah, you know right yeah, so that's, that's something really cool.
Speaker 4:We also have a six-day couples retreat. It's really an experience, it's not a training. It's like we take the breakthrough process and we expand it for six days through really highly connecting experiences. We hold that in Hawaii, which is really rad, and then that has a six-month program for couples. Really, they get everything they need there and then they're going home and they're really realigning their lives in this happy, connecting way they're going. What we did before we came here didn't work. We got the tools. We're connected again, almost like like a newlywed experience again, like we're in love again.
Speaker 1:We're reconnected.
Speaker 4:Now we're learning how to build this thing, this vision we want, so that that event is actually called soul to soul. Um, that one's really cool. And then I created this event for men. I kept hitting this problem in therapy, where both men and women were wanting to connect. But men were struggling with some deeper stuff. Maybe it was addiction, maybe there was abusive type behaviors, maybe a man was just feeling lost or disconnected from himself and couldn't really bring his heart to the relationship. So we have a men's event. We have actually a few men's event, but the goal there is to really help a man connect to his highest self. We call it this king aspect of himself, where he knows who he is, he's connected to his masculinity, recognizing that he has something that he needs to bring into the relationship. And when he brings that, his wife will feel safe, his children will feel safe and that's kind of that foundational piece for couples to rebuild. And so we created this, this first event for men that we called rise week, and and similarly, men come in and they get some work done. That's very often men will say that was more power, like same thing.
Speaker 4:I did two years of therapy. I never, I never connected to myself. I never learned this about my wife because, right, the process of traditional therapy is a guy goes in alone, shares his perspective and the therapist never gets the wives. So, with our events, part of it is even if a wife's upset, we ask her hey, can you help us understand how to help him learn your needs and meet them? This event is for men who really want a good marriage. They love their wife. If they have children, they love their children and they're willing to say I don't know how how to do this and I need to get connected to myself. Um, it's, it's, it's awesome, it's a really awakening experience. And I have women. They're like where'd?
Speaker 4:you find this guy um, I, we didn't create this name. But women will say, like the rise version of their husband where's rise austin, where's rise nick? Um, and this thing we just kind of created because men like they. We work differently.
Speaker 4:Traditional therapy isn't the most powerful way I learned that in my own journey, if I can go outdoors with a group of men and find myself and bring it back to my family, so yeah, these things are, uh, you know, traditional therapy can be really valuable. These types of things just we get in, we get work done and you, you've come out who you're meant to be. You bring that back to your marriage and then you, you choose to do it better, consistently. So thanks for giving me that chance to share some of these absolutely yeah, well, they're awesome.
Speaker 3:We we know we've seen uh results with people we know so well. Yeah, thank you for an awesome podcast. We covered a lot of great, important topics that a lot of people are asking and we're even going to have Austin on for another podcast here coming up shortly talking about pornography. So we appreciate your time today, austin. If any of you want to connect with Austin or are interested in doing some therapy with him or his events, just reach out to us at amyatultimateintimacycom. We can put you in touch with him again, amyatultimateintimacycom, and we'll get you connected, and we appreciate you listening to the podcast today. We hope you enjoyed it and until next time, we hope each one of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.