The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
294. Can Treating Sex Like A Hobby Vastly Improve Your Sex Life? Nick Thinks So.. But Does Amy?
You hear us talk about sex ALL the time on the podcast and the things couples can do to have an amazing sex life. So many couples look at sex completely differently and have a hard time understanding the things they can do to have a better sex life.
Nick recently heard a lady give a 6-minute talk on YouTube about how treating sex like a hobby can completely change your sex life with your spouse. So naturally, he sent it to Amy to get her thoughts, and her reaction wasn't what he expected... So we decided we needed to do a podcast on this and see what you think!
We thought this video presented it in a very clear and precise way with examples and reasons why it works so well, and so we wanted to share what she said with you through this podcast episode. We will also put a link to the video below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-3CANRKuAM&t=331s
Let us know what you think by emailing us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 700,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
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If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life. Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun. Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy. We're excited for today's podcast. At least I am. I sent a video to Amy the other day and I thought this is a fantastic video. Tell me what you think. And her reaction was not what I was expecting.
Speaker 1:What was my reaction?
Speaker 2:Of course you thought that was a great video, because it was tough, you know. Yeah, of course you thought this was a great video.
Speaker 1:It was tough, you know. Yeah, I don't of course. You thought this was a great video. Oh my gosh, I roll, I roll.
Speaker 2:So I guess I guess to share we. I ran across this video on youtube talking about how, if you want a better sex life, you should treat sex like a hobby. You know?
Speaker 2:of course like what being in the marriage industry. Uh, I'm like, oh, I gotta hear what this has to say, and I thought it was an excellent video, and so I was so excited to send it to amy, send it to her and I rolled my eyes and it was not the, not the answer I was okay, okay, let me clarify something really quick.
Speaker 1:Okay, obviously it was a sexual intimacy positive video and at the mood I was just like, really, really. It wasn't like the perfect timing for that, so I could say honestly that it's actually a really great clip. It's just at the moment when you sent it to me I was like, of course you sent me this right like I which I think most men and women are guilty of like he'll send him a video or real or something, and she rolls her eyes and she's like, really, Really, but I think I think if a woman or a wife really like pays attention, it's like okay, he's sending me this for a reason and the video is actually really good and I at the right timeframe or like mind frame and timeframe.
Speaker 1:It's actually a really good, really good thing he sent.
Speaker 2:So, yes, so we just got off doing another podcast with someone and it was awesome and she talked about how men kind of go with facts and women kind of go with feelings, right, Right. That's how they think. So you know, I'm looking at it from a man's standpoint. I'm like, oh, this is spitting facts.
Speaker 1:Like this is awesome.
Speaker 1:And I sent it to amy and whatever feeling she was feeling then it wasn't. It wasn't the feeling that I but, but I listened to it a second time and when I was more mentally in the right mind frame, as you would say, and I was like this is actually really good information. So, yeah, I'm happy to do a podcast on it. I'm sorry that my first reaction was like really, but it really is. This clip is really a good clip and I can understand why. I thought the analogy was amazing. I thought the analogy was amazing, but I also have a lot to say after. Okay, so it's about a six minute clip.
Speaker 2:Let's let you hear it now.
Speaker 3:Would you love to have a better sex life starting today? What I'm going to share in the next six or so minutes can make that happen by radically changing how you think about sex. As a sex coach, I get to hear a lot about people's sex lives From my clients clients, of course, but also pretty much everyone who hears what I do. People tell me about their best moments of epic bliss, their deepest shame and absolutely everything in between. What I hear most is that people want better sex. More often they tell me their lives would be happier, and it's not just the people I speak to.
Speaker 3:In a recent major survey, over two-thirds of respondents agreed with the statement my overall quality of life would improve if my sex life improved. Would you agree with that statement? Yeah, if so, that makes sense. Science shows regular sexual activity, including solo, improves our physical and our mental health. And think of the skills we're practicing in good, regular sex with a partner. These include communication, creativity, empathy, generosity and the active practicing of consent. But how do we improve people's sex lives on a mass scale when there's so much shame and secrecy around sex, when there are such differing levels of knowledge and experience and when our situations and needs are all unique.
Speaker 3:I propose a simple but powerful reframe of how we think about sex, that we approach it like a favourite hobby. I'll explain what I mean with a comparison. I'll explain what I mean with a comparison. Let's compare sex to tennis, without the competitive element.
Speaker 3:So imagine you want to play better tennis more often with your partner. What would you do? You'd talk about tennis both on and off the court. You'd get your diaries out and you'd plan when to play. You'd be keen to learn. Maybe you'd invest in lessons or watch free tutorials online or read about it. You'd be curious about techniques you hadn't tried. Maybe you'd experiment with specialist tennis clothing or high-tech accessories accessories. One day you'd want a long, intense match and another just a quick bit of sweaty fun. So you'd always check in. What do you fancy today? If you developed a physical pain which stopped you playing, you'd see a medical specialist and you'd be keen to get back on the court. You'd agree, the most important thing is that you both enjoy it and you'd be keen to get back on the court. You'd agree, the most important thing is that you both enjoy it and you'd soon find you were playing better tennis more often.
Speaker 3:But that's how we approach a hobby. It's very different to how most people approach sex. Most of us never talk about sex, even with the people we're having it with. We certainly don't get our diaries out and plan when to do it. We just hope we'll spontaneously want it. At the same time, we don't educate ourselves, and most of what we were taught when we were young was what can go wrong. If there is a physical problem, we're embarrassed. Often we don't see a doctor. We might not even tell our partner. We just make excuses to avoid the whole thing or grit our teeth and pretend that we're enjoying it. When we do have sex, we typically do the same act in the same order as we've done for years. Imagine if we did that on the tennis court how quickly we'd get bored. So it's no wonder we're not doing it or enjoying it as much as we'd like to.
Speaker 3:Let's start to approach sex like a hobby instead. Let's talk about it, especially with the people we're having it with. Let's get our diaries out and be excited to plan it. This is not an admission of failure. This is a positive, affirmative act which recognises sex as an important part of our busy lives. Let's educate ourselves. Put sex into a podcast platform or an online bookstore and see what grabs your interest. Browse Netflix for documentaries. Sign up for an online course. You'll be amazed what's out there. Let's always check in with each other. What do you fancy today? A long, intense session or a quick bit of sweaty fun? And let's not always leave sex until last thing at night. After all, you wouldn't expect to play your best tennis in between brushing your teeth and falling asleep.
Speaker 3:Reframing sex as a hobby works whatever our age, gender, whether we're single or have a partner or partners, and whatever our current level of experience. It gives us hope when life is genuinely too busy maybe when we're raising a young family, for example that we can and will return to it. In the bigger picture, it highlights the need for accurate education and accessible medical care. It encourages respect for diversity. It recognises that people in differently abled and ageing communities have a right to pleasure too. Crucially, it opens the conversation around sex, removing the shame and secrecy, and encourages us to joyfully seek pleasure and remember the skills we're practising the communication, the creativity, the empathy. Those are the same skills which help to make our communities and the world a better place. How would your life change if you started to think of sex in this way. I urge you to give it a try. Maybe you'll find sex becomes your new favorite hobby. Thank you.
Speaker 1:All right, the clip is over with so well, first off, there was a couple things, yes, that we don't believe in. Like the solo, we don't believe that's.
Speaker 2:Correct, okay, in a healthy marriage.
Speaker 1:Stuff like that.
Speaker 2:There's things you said in there that obviously coming from a Christian marriage, I don't agree with. But if you listen to the whole thing and the concept of what she's talking about. I think that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1:Yes, Well.
Speaker 2:I think it makes a lot of sense, of course.
Speaker 1:Of course, anyone with a high sex drive is going to be like. This is the best clip I have ever heard in my life.
Speaker 2:Well, let's discuss this.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Let's discuss this on why most men are going to feel the way I do and why most women are probably going to feel the way you do, right? But, this was coming from a woman. This wasn't coming from a man.
Speaker 1:This is the great thing about our podcast is you got a high drive husband, a lower drive wife and you're going to get both sides. We're going to battle this out.
Speaker 2:We're what a typical couple is like.
Speaker 1:Typical. I'm not saying it can't be different, but typically for the majority this is what it's like.
Speaker 2:So if it's not, maybe you just reverse this okay, can I share some of the things that I thought that she shared that were really good are you gonna just jump in all of it, or are we gonna break this down? We'll break it down, but I thought like first off she talked about well, if you're gonna become a good tennis player, what do you do? You gotta talk about it together. Right, you've gotta right watch videos.
Speaker 1:We're not saying, go watch videos on how to make love, but you got to study things you've got which is why we created the app so you don't have to watch videos, so you can learn the techniques in a safe environment exactly.
Speaker 2:You got to practice, you got to make things fun and exciting. It's it's okay to have long sessions and short sessions. I thought that her analogy was like spot on, because you're like yeah, you wouldn't do the same thing every time hitting a tennis ball. That would become boring right? So you should talk about okay, how do we get better?
Speaker 1:Okay, you're jumping into just all of it. All right, all right, I'm going to shut up. You're literally just going to just end this podcast in 30 seconds. Well, they just heard the video, so I'm just kind of reiterating okay, every aspect that she talked about was so good hold on what? No, you are hearing this. Okay, I laughed when I was like treat it like a hobby, because what was, oh, my gosh of course you want me to treat it like my hobby. What was your reaction the other day?
Speaker 2:I've. So that's what I'm saying right now. I was rolling my eyes, I was like, of course, you want me to treat it like my hobby.
Speaker 1:What was your reaction the other day? That's what I'm saying right now. I was rolling my eyes. I was like of course you want me to treat it like a hobby, right, of course, of course. Any high drive husband is like will you please turn sex into your hobby, wife? Right, that's every guy's dream, right? So most women that heard that clip are going to be like oh my gosh, really Okay. Gonna be like oh my gosh, really okay. That's why we're gonna dive into this and break down those little categories, because I'm like okay, as a wife with a low drive, and I'm first yeah, lives, wives are probably triggered.
Speaker 2:Even some of them are triggered by this and us men are saying how do you have a low drive? Like looking at this you don't understand.
Speaker 1:You don't understand. How could you? Not just want to like have your way with me when I get home from a long day in the office, and that's exactly why women are rolling their eyes again. They're like really, I think you're hot. Our body just doesn't work quite like that. Okay, okay, all right back to reality back to reality um the facts yes, okay, okay, where do I even start?
Speaker 1:sexual intimacy is very important. Anyone who listens to our podcast already gets that. We know that, right, we get that, and every husband that's listening is like. That would mean my dream come true for my wife to turn her number one hobby into making love with me or even like her number 10, hobby or maybe her 10 number 10 hobby. Just make it a hobby. Okay, make it a hobby. Okay, let's. Let's be realistic, let's just try and get sexual intimacy to become a hobby, okay okay, I just want my wife to want it ever.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, whatever level you're at, we're gonna try and cover right, cover right, that's right. Okay, she starts with let's just back up. The analogy was amazing. It's if you're going to play tennis, where do you begin? Okay, so, in your sex life, in your marriage, if you're like I just don't really love it, okay, if you put me on a tennis court right now, I'm going to say I don't love it, I suck at it, I'm good, I'm decent at pickleball. Tennis is a whole different game. They're different. I love pickleball because I have spent hours playing. I have learned how to dink, I have learned how to serve, I have learned how to do the short game. I have learned You've watched videos I have watched videos.
Speaker 1:I have taken lessons taken lessons I. Your lessons are obviously going to be with your spouse but talked about it you've talked about it. Okay, so there is a reason I enjoy pickleball and there is a reason I hate tennis. I have not taken lessons, I have not learned how to do it. I have not learned to enjoy it at all. Okay, that relates to marriage 100, the way she related it and sexual intimacy potentially yeah.
Speaker 2:So if a wife has never had an orgasm or only enjoys it once out of 20 times, she's gonna be like I don't want to do that well, I like what she said too in the in the message, and she made the crowd kind of giggle and crack up as she talked about like aids, right like training aids or right new equipment or whatever right everyone knew what she was talking about right, I think, well, and that's a well, yeah, we can jump into that, but we didn't even try any kind of aid uh, bedroom aids until like year 15.
Speaker 1:And then also, we're like, that changed everything and we're getting all these wives that are finally given in and be like, okay, I'll try it, I just want to enjoy it. It's like getting a new pickleball paddle or a new racket or whatever. Right, you're just like, oh my gosh, that just made it a hundred times better.
Speaker 1:I want to do this again, yeah right, yeah, I want to go play again. I want to go play again this. This was so great. We're hearing that from a lot of wives that have bought the new v-ring. They're like, oh my gosh, I orgasm. I enjoy it the full 30 minutes instead of like 30 seconds, and I enjoy it. I actually want to make love like multiple times a week now because I know it's like so much better yeah, exactly same with us, same with a hobby, right.
Speaker 2:So she says, number one talk about it, talk about it and we say that all the time like how in the world can you get better at something if you're not talking about it? Just like her analogy if you want to get better at tennis or whatever it is sex, you would first talk about it and say hey, how do we get better at tennis together? How? What are the things we can do? What are what's game plan we can put together?
Speaker 1:You have to talk about it, right? Yes, you have to talk about it, which is why we created the app to help you have those conversations.
Speaker 2:We've got the intimate conversations that we did the work for you.
Speaker 1:We did the work for you.
Speaker 2:We're making it easier for you to talk about it.
Speaker 1:But even going along with talking about it, if you don't even try, try, how are you even going to know if you enjoy it? That's, I almost feel like that's number one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I at least be willing to put forth the effort instead of saying I just don't want to, I don't like it, I don't want to try, I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it now tennis is not important in our marriage.
Speaker 1:I don't need to go play a round of tennis but but sexual intimacy is super important to him. He's a man, he has a really high drive, he's got a body that's telling him that's really important to him. That needs to be really important to me. He needs to express how important that is and I need to be able to listen. So going with the talking kind of comes to listening, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and just like you would with tennis or anything, you're going to put together a realistic game plan, right? You're not? Going to say, let's go practice eight hours a day, like you're going to find what works for your schedule.
Speaker 1:For sure, For sure. But so planning it like if I want to get good at something like when I wanted to get good at pickleball which does not benefit, yeah, it might benefit my mental health, but it doesn't really benefit our marriage, it benefits me personally, socially, mentally, whatever.
Speaker 2:Hey, when you come home and you've just dominated a pickleball you're in a good mood.
Speaker 1:I'm in a pretty good mood, right.
Speaker 2:That's the time to initiate, but it's usually in the morning.
Speaker 1:But if we relate that to sexual intimacy?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's usually in the morning. But if we relate that to sexual intimacy, yeah, you're in a good mood.
Speaker 1:You're in a really good mood when I initiate and then we get done and you're like I am the happiest man alive right now. It doesn't take much to make a man happy, right.
Speaker 2:You want to see why I have those smile increases on my cheeks Because I initiate so much, because much not smiling all the time and most men would.
Speaker 1:If their wife initiated or even just like, really learned how to enjoy it, those smile lines are going to be like whoo right, right agreed agreed fully, wholeheartedly okay. So the next one she mentioned was staying curious. Like you have not staying getting curious about it. If I want to learn a sport or take up a hobby, I gotta first like get curious about it. Like I don't know what this entails, like how, how am I gonna enjoy this?
Speaker 2:how do I get? Better at this right yeah, and that's again, that's where we have the app and so many things in the app. But even in your relationships, like, just okay, what can we do to make things better? Uh, in the bedroom and having that. Going back to communication, I think it all starts, like you said, with communication. Right, and talking about it also solves this issue as well absolutely.
Speaker 1:I just feel like you have a lot to say.
Speaker 2:Keep going I'm good, I'm totally good, they're just so excited for this episode. I feel like I'm talking too much, though I know you have a lot to say about this. No, you already know how I feel about the video. I want to hear how you feel about the video don't worry, all the way, so do all the men and women out there as well don't worry, we're gonna get into this? What if I don't?
Speaker 1:want it to be a hobby, we'll get there, we don't even know my position on this okay. The next thing she talked about was learning about it. Okay, when you. Okay, nick's a really good used to be really good tennis player. Okay, or, or golf he's more relates to golf. Now, to learn golf or tennis before you played golf, you had to learn about it. How do we do that in marriage? When it comes to sex?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean you could, you know, learn different techniques, like, okay, let's talk about this, because I had no idea what the clitoris was, right, I had no clue, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, knowing the body parts is kind of key.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so like until I knew that and understood that and understood how your body works and things like that, like I was a total rookie, I mean, and understood how your body works and things like that like I was a total rookie.
Speaker 1:I mean, I I didn't know what I was doing. I think a lot of women, no, maybe more like newlyweds. I'm sure we like learn in here as we age, but there was a lot of things I didn't even know about myself when we first got married. Like how am I supposed to tell you what I want when I don't know what I want right?
Speaker 2:yeah, and I think I think too. Another point is like going back to sport, like we're all going to have a different style or we're gonna have different things that we're good at or maybe not good at. With sex, like everyone's different, like what works great for one couple might not work great for another couple. So I think it's very important to talk about it, especially while you're making love and saying, hey, what feels good to you, what doesn't feel good to you, what works, what doesn't work? Try different things and experiment.
Speaker 2:You know, um, just like we've talked about as well whether it's, uh, with an intimacy aid or things like that um just exploring and being open to trying new things to figure out what is better, what works better, what feels better, what connects you as a couple better. And you know, I mean it's been no different than us, like we've we've figured things out and found things that work better in our 22 years of marriage, and um found things that we, you know, maybe don't like as much, and um, you know how, what I can do to fulfill your needs easier, and things like that.
Speaker 1:So and that can be really hard when a couple has a hard time talking about it. But, like I said, grab the app. There's, there's information on anatomy, there's resources, there's the conversations that you should be having with each other. Once you learned how to talk about sexual intimacy, you can literally talk about anything, right? We always say that okay. So I loved her next analogy. She's like you in tennis you can play a short match, you can play a long match, drawn out matches, like there's always different kind of games, right. So she um compared that to sexual intimacy. Like sometimes you have a quickie, sometimes it's long, like if you want to learn something or get good at something or really start enjoying it, you're gonna have different kind of experiences with it yeah, and I love that she hit on.
Speaker 2:You know, you're not just both going to spontaneously say you know, let's go play tennis, like you plan it out. You plan it out around your day and you say hey, maybe you might yeah, but oftentimes it's like, hey, at two o'clock let's try to go play tennis or let's try to go to this together, or like typically you're like putting it on the schedule because it's important, right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And I think sex is like that as well too, and we've talked about this a thousand times, so I won't spend much time on it. It doesn't mean that at 7.05, we're going to go hit the bedroom, but it could mean that, hey, on Thursday night when the kids are in bed, let's, let's make it a priority to connect, and then you can the rest of your day you can be thinking about that and getting the things done so that you have the time to do that. Then right, I was so against scheduling sex. I thought it was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard, and I would say I was like, who wants to do that?
Speaker 2:that makes all the fun out of it and I would say most, most the time, like we have an idea of what night or nights or whatever we're gonna be making love I think most people do, but the whole thing is like being intentional.
Speaker 1:So if for a woman, if they're like I need to accomplish this, this, I have to be in the mood. I gotta like the house has to be clean. I'm just saying some women have like they can't literally even go there mentally unless this, this, this, and is already taken off their mind, right like the days that you're scheduled and you're like we're gonna be intimate tonight, like that's where the husband can step up and be like I'll help you with whatever you need so that you can be there mentally yeah exactly right, exactly right, okay.
Speaker 1:So anyways, I love that analogy. The next one she says if you had a medical injury during a tennis match, you would get professional help, you would go to the doctor, you would go to the hospital, you would get that bone fixed, you would get the whatever tendonitis.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can't perform. I need to get better. What can we do? How do we heal this?
Speaker 1:Whether this is testosterone in your hormones or whether this is ED or whatever's happening in your marriage. If you're not able to do something that's important for your relationship, you go get help. If it's even let's talk about emotional, if the emotional connection isn't there and that's why you don't even want this to become a quote hobby in this analogy you go get help, right like we. We we've talked about this a lot like doing maintenance on our marriage and stuff but if, if something's broken, you get help, and that can be getting a therapist, that, even if it's just a couple sessions like why are we broken in this area? Why am I not feeling loved? Why are we having this disconnect?
Speaker 2:you get help in whatever area it needs well, and again, I think it's really important to point out that we're talking about healthy couples, right. Like you know, we we're talking about people that have a pretty good relationship but even even healthy couples can still have a disconnect where they're like you're not hearing me, I'm not hearing you.
Speaker 1:We're having an issue and sometimes even just one appointment if it's really causing a barrier. I'm just saying there's lots of different kind of help out there.
Speaker 1:So if something's broken, hurry and fix it agreed right if you break your tennis racket, you're gonna run and you're gonna go get it fixed. If you hurt your, if you need, if you break something, you're gonna get casted. You're gonna not, you're gonna be so excited to get back back out there to play as soon as you feel better. Right, like if there's something wrong health-wise with your body, go get it fixed so it's not messing up your sexual intimate life.
Speaker 2:Like it's just really important to get help when it's needed and we've taken polls and done podcasts and all this.
Speaker 2:But bottom line is, like couples that are the happiest in their relationship are having sexual intimacy often, and I would think they are the couples that are more like we do make sexual intimacy more like a hobby, right, we prioritize it, we practice, we talk about it and and it really does funnel down and help so many other aspects of the relationship. I think sometimes and we've talked about this before we focus so much on like we're not going to make sex a priority until we get all these things emotional needs met and we talked about this on our last podcast, how a woman's list sometimes can be five miles long and a husband can feel like he's never going to achieve that list and so until he achieves that list, they're not being intimate right For a lot of couples, and those are the games that are played. But I really believe if couples prioritize sexual intimacy and did treat it like a hobby, so many things down below would automatically get taken care of and fixed as well too which is a great point, which brings me to the word hobby.
Speaker 1:We take up hobbies because we want to enjoy them. Hobbies are positive, right, like we don't. Oh, this is my hobby and we hate it. That doesn't happen. It's not a hobby if we hate it right.
Speaker 2:We look forward to it.
Speaker 1:We want to get better at it. We take time and energy to do it.
Speaker 2:We want to get better at it.
Speaker 1:So the whole mind frame of treating it like a hobby is pretty much just saying treat it like a positive thing that's going to better your relationship. Treat it like something like going out and playing a game make it fun. Games are fun, tennis games are fun, pickleballs are fun, men golf because they get out and they have fun together. Right? If you treat it like a hobby, it's really about mindset like how, how am I going to enjoy this more? How am I going to enjoy this more? How am I going to prioritize this more? How do I make it more fun? That's the point.
Speaker 2:So there's so many people out there listening and they're saying there's a lot of women listening and they're saying, okay, how can I enjoy sex or make it a hobby, like you're talking about, like what are the things I can do, right, right, so you're a woman, I, I know from a man, man standpoint, just like I said, it's really easy to say, hey, let's, let's do this and make sex a hobby.
Speaker 2:but right you're a woman, you um feel differently. What, I guess, from a woman's standpoint. What is the secret for you to really make sex? Instead, instead of just talking about this and saying, here's what we should do. What is the ways that women can actually do it?
Speaker 1:This is the big question. This is the big question.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to answer that, because we can talk about this and we can say we should do this. But it's easy to talk about things, it's harder to do things.
Speaker 1:It's. I wish I had the answer and I'm asking because I sincerely don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know either. I don't know. I think, personally, I'm just going to be 100% honest right now I have a hard time being a low drive wife being like I want to turn that into a hobby. It's just. I have a hard time being a low drive wife being like I want to turn that into a hobby, it's just. I think the mindset comes down to how do I make it as fun? How do I make it as fun? I don't know. I guess that's why I bought us a bedroom game at year 15. Like I, I I need variety. I don't know I need to enjoy it longer, which is why we finally gave in and bought a toy. I don't know. That's the big question, right.
Speaker 2:So you enjoy pickleball a lot, right I?
Speaker 1:love pickleball, but it's also Okay. I'm just trying to compare this, right. Yeah, let me ask this question.
Speaker 2:You enjoy pickleball a lot, but it's hard to wake up early to go play. It's hard to do this.
Speaker 1:I don't even like to wake up early for pickleball, you don't enjoy it until you get out there.
Speaker 2:Right, I don't even like to wake up early for pickleball. You don't enjoy it until you get out there.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So how is sexual intimacy different? You don't enjoy it until you do it, and then you do enjoy it. Pickleball is no different. You don't enjoy it until you get out there, right? So what drives you to be able to get to that point with pickleball? But not get to that point? Because with pickleball you get out there. And and what are the benefits of pickleball? The sexual benefits with your spouse should be even greater than the benefits of what they should be, because you're like oh, I'm helping my marriage.
Speaker 2:Uh, this means a lot to my spouse. We're connecting those.
Speaker 1:Maybe those things don't happen in pickleball, right you're right so I'm not connecting with my spouse, I'm connecting with my friends. My spouse should be more important than my friends. They're all important, not saying they're not. It's just spouse should come first, right? I loved that. You just pointed out what did it? What did it take for me to get there? Because I can. Honestly, some people, some people will be like oh, set my alarm for 6 am, 5, 30 am. I'm. I'm a pickleball, love it, can't wait to be there. I'm not that person. I love pickleball. But you're right, I don't like to get up early.
Speaker 3:But once I do.
Speaker 1:I'm happy to do it right, but that's no different than sexual intimacy for me. Like I'm like okay, I'm happy to do it. I know that I'll enjoy it once I do it, which is why I do it. So I'm like yeah, I'm going to be positive about it. Yeah, we can make love tonight. Get me in the mood, right, Get me in the mood no different than going and doing something like pickleball. I'm not in the mood to get out of bed and go. Sometimes it's freezing cold, Sometimes it's super hot, Sometimes I'm super tired.
Speaker 2:No different, right, but no different right, but something drives you to go do pickleball. It's no different, though.
Speaker 1:Something still drives me to go make love to you when I'm not in the mood. It's the same thing. So what exactly are you asking? Because I know, once I get in the mood, that I'm going to enjoy it. It's the same thing. What you're saying is why do you want to go play pickleball and why do you, instead of you having to initiate it? Right is what you're saying. Why do I initiate pickleball games with my friends on my own? Because I enjoy that more. I think it's. I think it's just different.
Speaker 2:I think it's just different for women I think a lot of, I think a lot of men are thinking the same thing, like why will my wife go do certain things that maybe she like go to lunch with their friends she doesn't enjoy it until she gets there, but the anticipation right Of like, oh, I'm going to go have fun and do this, or the importance of that right it's important to go to lunch with family or friends because of relationships.
Speaker 1:Anyways, I just have to be honest. I think this is. I hope that we get a lot of feedback on this, because I would love to hear people's opinions on this I really just think that sex for a woman is different than a man. I just don't. I'm not saying you can't fully enjoy it. I'm not saying that it doesn't feel amazing. I'm not saying orgasms aren't amazing, like I'm not saying those don't happen. I just think that we enjoy sex in a different way than men do. I just think that we enjoy sex in a different way than men do I just do. I just don't think that, and I'll never be a man, so I don't really know how to explain this. Does that make sense, you?
Speaker 2:can be Just identify.
Speaker 1:You're funny, like do you know what I'm saying? Like I don't know what it's like for you versus what it's like for me. And so I think this is where marriage comes into. It starts with your mindset. I know that you really, really enjoy it and that's how you feel loved and it feels so good for you and it's one of the top things that you love in life and I'm gonna try to be there with you, even though it's not for me, it's not the top thing for me. I don't need it. My body's not asking for it. I don't enjoy it as much or as often my body's not telling me oh my gosh, I can't wait, even though we're built different.
Speaker 1:This is where marriage comes in is understanding each other. I'm never gonna feel like it. Feel it like you feel like it. You can say all day long oh my gosh, this is gonna. I can't wait for my wife to put this as a top hobby. That might not happen for me. That's fine if you want that, but you this is no different than I have been begging Nick for 22 years to take up cooking. Go take a culinary class, go get a recipe, make something from scratch. He does not want to do it. You don't want to do it. Does that sound fun to you?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You would enjoy it once.
Speaker 2:You did it because you're eating it and the end is amazing right and time, obviously, like I just like. Oh, it's so much time to prep.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's time to prep, but for a lot of women they're like it takes a lot of time to prep you. My mind's a mess, my body's a mess. I don't get aroused like you do. It takes me 45 minutes to get turned on, Like I'm just saying like, if you want to do pull-out analogies, why is it so that some hobbies don't excite men, Like painting or taking an art class or baking?
Speaker 2:I think we answered that in the last podcast episode.
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:Why men and women like different things and don't like different things?
Speaker 1:Because we're created differently for a reason, right yeah. So I guess if a man is getting frustrated like why don't you want to make it a main hobby Because I sure do it's because we're different. I think that's our answer.
Speaker 2:So I'm going to steer this a little bit, and we've talked about this before you and I have talked about this. Why, then, when women are first dating, like they're all over the guy, they're like, uh, infatuated, they're, they are just like totally attractive to him, they're touching him, they're uh, even, even, maybe women that aren't physical touch. They want to be close, they want to hold him, and then all of a sudden, it all dies and all the men out there know exactly what okay'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Okay, I can answer that. I can answer that.
Speaker 2:So obviously it's there at one point, but then it leaves. What causes that to leave?
Speaker 1:I can answer that Reality Reality. Our bodies changed, we've had kids, our hormones have changed. We've had real life experiences that have either gained respect or lost respect. We've had dealt with resentment. We've dealt with forgiveness, like I, I. I know that's a lot of reasons, but I think number one is literally our, our hormones, and the whole anticipation and that excitement Like that's. That's why marriage becomes real and love changes. It's not, that's not love when we're throwing ourselves all over you. That's not real love. Real love is when we're like it felt like love.
Speaker 1:Real love is when we look at you and be like I love you so much. I'm willing to to try and change my attitude about this because it's so important to you. That's what love is. Yeah, does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's so important to you that's what love is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, does that make sense?
Speaker 2:yeah, and a lot of guys are thinking well, that sucks, I know, I want that other kind of love anyways, I'm totally joking, but um you haven't answered your question yet what's my question?
Speaker 1:you're quite. I was like why haven't you learned to do a hobby that would really benefit me, like cooking from scratch?
Speaker 2:I need to do better at that.
Speaker 1:Yes, he always says he's said that for 22 years. But what is it? What is it that makes you not want to make that a priority in your life?
Speaker 2:I think. No, I think the biggest thing is just time like but sex takes time yeah, but that's like typically towards the end of the day you're not in your busy time of the day and trying to get work done and dealing with what about sat Saturday afternoons?
Speaker 1:You could make a really nice meal on Saturday afternoon if you schedule it.
Speaker 2:I see where this is going.
Speaker 1:I see that. You see where this is going, but you can't answer the question.
Speaker 2:I know I'm struggling to answer it.
Speaker 1:You're saying I'm tired at night. I don't want to make a big fat meal for 30 minutes at night because I've had a long work day for our kids that don't enjoy it and but my wife would enjoy it well, it should be.
Speaker 2:That should be all the reason that I should do it do you see where I'm going with this?
Speaker 1:I do, I do you see where I'm going with this, yeah. I do, I totally do okay but, I don't want to cause contention in marriages it really comes down to. Are you trying to understand me? Am I trying to understand you?
Speaker 2:I would love to want sex like a hobby, like you want me to so let's steer it back to that, uh, that subject of making it a hobby.
Speaker 1:So you're smiling, you're I love these conversations when I'm like, like trying to like pull out analogies, and I kind of stump you, but you kind of stump me people don't want to hear us, you like literally don't know how to answer my question. I literally don't know how to answer your question. I'm going to be totally real. No, I totally agree. I think it comes down to attitude. I'm too tired, it's boring, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. I make other things priorities I'm making excuses.
Speaker 1:I'm making excuses if we really like. Just looked at the sexual intimacy in our marriages and we're like what excuses am I making? Where's my attitude at with this? Am I even trying to enjoy this? Am I even training it like I'm a hobby, or am I putting it as one of those hobbies that's at the very bottom of my list? Because everything is more important to me and these are conversations that couples really need to have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, agreed, totally agree, and well, I had some thoughts. But like getting back to you, know how do women enjoy it? I think it's important. Um, so many women that we hear from were taught that you know sex is bad, and all this growing up. Then all of a sudden they get married and oh yeah, it's totally okay.
Speaker 1:I think it's not just okay now.
Speaker 2:You got to do it all the time and you got to learn to love it right yeah, and I think also a lot of women just um, maybe don't know their bodies or understand their bodies and, like we said, it's okay to have intimacy aids if sexual intimacy doesn't feel good for you and that's a barrier that you're just like ah, it doesn't feel good for me, I don't want it. Right, there's things to try and figure out there. But again, that comes with good communication.
Speaker 1:I had someone message me and tell me I'm pretty much going to you know where for selling bedroom aids to heaven I felt like I was going to heaven and I I was like you have no idea, you're just being judgmental number one, and christians like shouldn't be judgmental, she was vicious. But a one little bedroom toy that is used together that can be life-changing for your marriage, I feel like is an answer for so many people to help them enjoy it. Like we buy bringing it back to the podcast episode we buy tools to help us better our sports.
Speaker 1:We buy tools to better help enhance all areas of our hobbies or whatever we're trying to get better at or enjoy more.
Speaker 2:Right, like we buy a better racket, we buy a better golf club so the question is would you, would it be better to have no sex because a spouse doesn't enjoy it, or to use, utilize a tool and be connecting all the time and strengthening your relationship, because the physical aspect gets that much better, right, exactly. Right, exactly.
Speaker 1:I feel like when the physical gets better for women and then the husband is getting being intimate more often, I feel like the whole emotional connection in the entire marriage gets better. And that's where we get off, and that's, I think the point you were trying to say Is that sometimes, yeah, your marriage doesn't have to be perfect. Just go make love, step up that intimate game a little bit and watch the emotional connection even get stronger. Right, like sometimes it just takes that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I think, just changing your attitude and saying, okay, can I approach something a different way, can I approach this as like a hobby? And if I did approach this like a hobby, yeah, maybe at first I'm not real excited about it, but even just like a hobby, the better you get at it. What happens when you get better at a hobby? What happens?
Speaker 1:It gets more fun.
Speaker 2:It gets a lot more enjoyable. You want to do it more often, absolutely. I mean, you're excited about it and I think you know sex could be no different, right, right. So if you approach it the right way, have the right mindset and actually say how do I learn to enjoy this and to be intimate together?
Speaker 1:That's key.
Speaker 2:It's so, so important.
Speaker 1:That's key. I have a lot to say on this topic. We'll save it for another day, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, anyways, let us know what you think about the video about this topic. Um, is it? Is that a lame thing to try to make sex as a hobby?
Speaker 1:I, it would probably be split even 50, 50 most of the men would be saying yeah, I agree, and most of them can't probably like amy and I, you know, with the, with the video, but anyways and and answer our hard question that I can't answer because for a lot of women they don't want to make it a hobby. It's just not. It's not the same for women. I'm not saying it can't be and I'm not saying that some women aren't the higher drive. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying for the majority of women they're just like um, I don't know if that's ever gonna happen. Let's hear your thoughts on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's hear your thoughts on it we're just prompting a discussion, and anytime you have discussions, that is a good thing that is a good thing, as long as you do it respectfully and let it only a bit positive, that's right. So email us. Let us know what you think of the podcast episode. We'll probably be throwing this in a newsletter as well, and once again I think that's so thank you for your support.
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