The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
Nick and Amy are the creators and owners of the Ultimate Intimacy App and brand. They dive into all the tough topics regarding sexual and emotional intimacy, and discuss the things that most couples deal with regularly in marriage, that are seldom talked about on other podcasts. They are raw, unscripted, personal, and Nick will most likely say things he will regret ;)
They have been married over 22 years and have 4 kids, 3 dogs, and share their own life experiences and trials that have helped them transform their own relationship. They are on a mission to help couples not just survive in marriage, but thrive in marriage.
Their podcast is focused on helping you find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom. Also, for a great resource to help transform your relationship, check out the Ultimate Intimacy App at ultimateintimacy.com
The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast
310. Keeping It Simple - What Men "Need" And What Women "Need" In Marriage!
As you know, we cover just about EVERYTHING a married couple deals with in marriage in our podcast episodes. There are a lot of things to remember, and sometimes it can get very overwhelming.
In this episode, we decided to keep it simple and share, based on all the feedback we receive from husbands and wives, what men need and what women need in marriage to be happy. We recognize that this isn’t universal and that different marriages need different things. But for most men and most women, these are the things our audience has expressed they need to be happy.
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If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 800,000 people have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
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You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life. Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun. Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
Speaker 2:What men need and what women need in marriage. We're keeping it real or basic. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy. So we I think we're you know 300 and something in our podcast episodes. We've talked about so many different things, but we decided we just need to kind of dumb it down, so to speak, for me, For you, for me this podcast is for me personally, or me Maybe you could dumb it for for me, for you for me.
Speaker 2:This podcast is for me personally, or me maybe, you could dumb it down for me and just like talk about like all right at the end of the day, let's keep things simple like what do men need and what do women need in marriage? To thrive and just you follow these simple things and you're most likely gonna have a much better relationship.
Speaker 1:I love that you just said the word simple.
Speaker 2:I did simple, that is comical.
Speaker 1:This is comical.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:The simple needs of men versus the very non-simple needs of women.
Speaker 2:Well, I said the simple needs of women, but that's kind of.
Speaker 1:Should I start out with a should I give you? Should I start out with a list of everything you should do for your wife?
Speaker 2:um, are we trying to keep this under two hours?
Speaker 1:yes, I'll keep it under two hours.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, fire away. Let's hear it do the dishes.
Speaker 1:Tell her she's beautiful, plan date nights. Clean up after yourself. Be a good dad. Kill all the spiders. Change the oil. Buy her gifts. Don't forget our anniversary. Let her have the remote. Don't complain about our driving. Fold the laundry and do it right. Laugh our jokes. Order a drink. Put this toilet seat down. Take the trash out without being asked. Buy our favorite snacks.
Speaker 1:Remember to compliment her cooking, even if you hate it. Help with bedtimes. Uh, let her pick the restaurant, even if she can't decide. Hold her hand during the movies no one to listen. Give a random hug. Send her texts for no reason. Rub her feet. Give her time alone the perfect amount. Uh. Don't hug the covers. Don't snore. Give her the good pillow. Don't touch the thermostat. Pretend you didn't see that new amazon package. Let her sleep in laughed it. Laugh at her pinterest fails. Offer to clean the bathroom. Do it right. Dance with her in the kitchen. Compliment her hair, even when you don't notice she changed it. Fix the thing that's been broken for months without her asking you. Tell her she's right, even when she's not. Be patient when she takes forever to get ready. Keep your phone out of the bathroom. Let her have the last word be the instagram husband. Don't forget to be romantic. Always surprise her with flowers or tacos. Never say calm down.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, we I think we get it Are women really that simple I'm.
Speaker 1:I was joking, guys. I was joking, was I joking?
Speaker 2:No, I think I was joking. You absolutely weren't joking.
Speaker 1:We get so many husbands that write us and they complain they're like men need like two things in marriage and if I don't conquer the entire to-do list, there's no way her libido is awakened ever. She has a checklist and that's not fair.
Speaker 2:And it's interesting that all that stuff is tied to your wife's libido, right like the women think that it should be tied to their libido, and it shouldn't. Like you could get 99% of that checked off, but if you don't get that last, one Okay. All right, I'm I'm going to try to. I'm joking, but I'm going to try to be serious and I want, I seriously want, your thoughts on this Right.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're being serious now.
Speaker 2:We're being serious, don't like, don't you feel like sometimes, and we hear this from a lot of husbands, so I'm not saying this. I guess I'm saying this with a lot of proof of backing it up, based upon what we hear from husbands.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're saying.
Speaker 2:But we hear from husbands a lot that they try to do everything. They're cooking dinner, they're playing with the kids, they're cleaning up. They literally are just trying to be good husbands and do everything they can to take a lot of stuff off their wife's plate and they feel like they could get 99 done. But if that one percent doesn't get done, that's a like total libido killer.
Speaker 2:right, like right, they, they failed and I, I think that's, I think that's really sad that is really sad um I'm not gonna lie, I've been there there truly are a lot of husbands out there that truly are trying to be really, really good husbands and fathers and and be there for their spouse and they just want to feel that love.
Speaker 1:But let me add in even if they check off every single thing on her ridiculous list, I'm going to call it ridiculous, because with that many things it's ridiculous, yeah, and unfair, and then they're still going to get that. Oh, you just did all that because you want sex.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Right, am I right?
Speaker 2:And oftentimes we as men do do that because we want sex. Exactly Right, am I right? And oftentimes we, as men do do that because we want sex. Well, like, maybe, maybe, if I do all these things for my wife, she'll feel the appreciation and maybe she'll want me and I don't? You're exactly right. And it bugs me to hear that because, yeah, we do do a lot of things in life because we want to have sexual intimacy with our wife. Like, we want them to be happy, we want them them to be less stressed. And why is that a bad thing? Like, why does it have to be a bad thing? Well, you did this because you want to make love to me.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, absolutely I did. Yeah, I did that. Well then, you're being transactional like is.
Speaker 2:Is there a time, any time in marriage, when a guy isn't trying to do something for his spouse because he wants to make love to her? Like honestly?
Speaker 1:You're going to get the men all fired up, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well trust me, sorry, we're getting you all fired up. I get fired up thinking of this because I'm like that's not fair for the men. Like I get a lot of messages. I see both sides. I see a lot of men that are crap, that don't do anything and then expect it. And I also get messages from all the white husbands that are suffering, that are literally doing so much, so much, and the wife literally says that you just, you just did all that because you want to want to get some. Yeah, yeah, he does. He does want to get some. That's how he does want to get some that's how he feels.
Speaker 1:How he feels love he didn't sign up to get married. For you to be like here's your list oh, by the way, I'm not in the mood anymore that you didn't nobody signed up for that well, the reason why we titled this what a man needs and what a woman needs in marriage is because it is needs like it's.
Speaker 2:it's not just a want, like so many women think. Oh, my husband just wants sex. No, he doesn't just want sex, he needs it. He needs it to feel loved and appreciated and happy, and so that's what we're going to go into is what women typically need and what men typically need Before we jump in.
Speaker 1:why do you think the need list for women is so much higher than a need list for a man?
Speaker 2:Well, I think we've talked we talked I don't remember what episode we talked about this, but it made a lot of sense to me and it was probably a year or two, year and a half ago. But we were talking about how men are kind of just like bullet points, just get to the point, and for a woman they're more all the details, right. So, like a man, details and feelings yeah, so a man could read a blog article title and it says this and he pretty much can understand it where, like women are very detailed. They're going to go into every single little detail then and we recognize this isn't always the case, but you're right, like women really go off the details and the feelings, and so I think men really are pretty simple for the most part.
Speaker 1:And I don't want to get into mental load. We've already talked about that several times. But mental load for a woman is a real thing. I don't want to undermine that. Like we have and I'm not saying men don't have these responsibilities, like a lot of responsibilities, like we both have our share of responsibilities. But for women, we are emotional, we are, we are tied to our feelings a lot of the time and our feelings consist of everyone else's feelings too, like when our kids are struggling with stuff, when they need stuff, like all the constant, constant mom stuff. I don't think men feel that. I just don don't. Some men might. But like in our marriage and all the people I've talked to, we have a mental load that men really don't understand or or know about and I don't want to get into that, but I'm just trying to tie that in. Like I think there are a lot of things that's where that list comes from that we and I'm not saying it's not always our fault Like there's a lot of things I put in my mental load that don't need to be there, that I did to myself. I could, I could admit to that. I think a lot of women can't admit to that. So it's not like man versus wife, it's. It's literally like we.
Speaker 1:We've talked about this. I don't want to repeat. I know we'll jump into this, but we are different. We have a mental load. You guys have a mental load. They look very different and we do put a lot on ours that doesn't need to be, and this is where this comes from. Like as we jump into the sexual intimacy aspect. Okay, we can't enjoy sexual intimacy Usually typically most women. If we're stressed out, we're a mental mess, we're worried about our kids, we're worried about things going on in our life. We have a hard time because we don't have a body part saying oh, I'm in the mood, I need a release. We don't have that and we've already talked about this. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:You guys are different.
Speaker 1:You guys are different where you have that release. You have a different sense of needing sexual intimacy, different than most of us, and so I just wanted to bring up that point again before we jump into this. We are different for a reason. God made us that way, and it comes down to embracing those differences, and so our needs are different, and and that's what marriage is is is taking those needs, looking at them and be like I do have a mental load that you don't carry. I can't get in the mood when I have that mental load, and most and this is where I'm going to side with the husbands Most husbands want to help with that mental load If you express it to him, and he's a good listener and he really does care, like the good men that we're talking about.
Speaker 1:He's like what, what do I help you with? How can I take some of that? I want to make love to you, I want you to be there, I want you to want to make love to me, I want you to be all in, I want you to enjoy it, and a lot of women's. It all comes down to, once again, attitude.
Speaker 2:Well, I think too. So there's a pretty famous saying that a podcaster says that facts don't care about feelings. Right, and the point? I'm not saying that?
Speaker 1:Men don't care about women's feelings.
Speaker 2:I'm not at all saying that, but I'm saying sometimes like I think we as men oftentimes kind of just have like here's what needs to get done, and we do it. And we often take feelings out of a lot of the decisions we make, right, like we just identify things like you know, we need to do this, we need to do this, and we remove feelings from a lot of the things we do. And maybe that's why it's so easy for us to, like you said, with the body part we have and the urges and things like that, but it's really easy for us to just like decide we're going to do something and do it.
Speaker 1:But we're not saying men don't, you're not saying that husbands don't have feelings.
Speaker 2:No, not at all what we're saying, is sex?
Speaker 1:like we've said this before, sex is how a man feels loved Correct. A wife has to feel loved in order to want sex. For the most part, correct. We feel in different ways.
Speaker 2:But I think I guess what I'm getting at to the point, and we're talking about sex right now and we'll jump into the podcast but a man sometimes doesn't let the feelings overtake his desire for sex, sometimes doesn't let the feelings overtake his desire for sex. And I think a lot of times women have so many feelings or things that they're feeling and on their that they're thinking, and a lot of times those feelings aren't accurate or they aren't, um, true, the way they're feeling right about certain things, but it's more like like, you mean like the women I'm.
Speaker 1:You're like like they're assuming correct. They're assuming correct that something is a certain way and it might not be correct.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like, for example, like a lot of women just say, oh, my husband just wants me for sex, he just, you know, needs to get off or whatever, and I'm just like that there could be nothing further from the truth I'm pretty sure most of our podcast listeners were that's not you, yeah yeah, anyways, there are probably men like that and you're.
Speaker 1:That's a different. That's a different type of guy we're talking about like good husbands that want to feel loved through being intimate, but wives need to. They do have a lot on their plate and usually do need to accomplish and get everything so that they can relax. Just be patient with your wife. For that reason because that is accurate there are things like I've kind of learned to to fix that for myself, like cause I used to be like that. I'm like he didn't do that. I how does he not see that all this needs to be done? Or the house, like I've kind of like gotten myself out of that because I'm like I can deal with it tomorrow in the morning. This is more important. I do need this is healthy for me too, like you've got to get to it's all attitude right, and I've had to shift my attitude with this a lot of times in our marriage yeah, so let's circle back to this.
Speaker 2:Well, let's get into what what women's needs are. And again, you're you're the wife, you're the woman. I think this is the points you can really hit on, and then I can talk more about the men's needs from a man's standpoint. So you're a wife talking to the men out there and I'm going to be a husband talking more to the women out there, okay, and getting each other's thoughts.
Speaker 1:Okay, you want to start?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think women's needs in marriage.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're going to tell the women what the needs are.
Speaker 2:No, I think you're going to be talking more to the women or you're going to be talking more to the men about what women's needs are, and I'm going to be talking more to the wives about what men's needs are, but I think the things that we have listed here we wanted to keep it basic and so we just kept this pretty basic. And again, as we go through these few things for each woman's needs and men's needs, we recognize that everyone's different and there might be some things missing from the list, um, that maybe you don't agree with or what have you, but we're talking about in general, these are the things that men and women need and how they're different.
Speaker 1:Okay, so emotional needs. Like I just said, we have to absolutely feel loved in our marriage. We have to feel that trust, we have to feel that companionship, we have to feel that unity that sex brings for men. We have to feel that trust, we have to feel that companionship, we have to feel that that unity that that sex brings for men. We have to feel that first right emotional intimacy emotional connection, it's it comes first.
Speaker 1:Kindness, respect, all those things um love language. I do feel like women put this as a high on a high pedal stool, because I think it should be, because that's how they feel listened to, because, well, and yeah, so let's talk about this stool, because I think it should be, because that's how they feel listened to because, well and yeah, so let's talk about this real quick.
Speaker 2:I think for a man, most men's love language is physical touch or, to translation, sexual intimacy, right like a lot of men feel love the survey we took was pretty high for that and we're not saying everybody.
Speaker 1:We're not saying everyone.
Speaker 2:It's probably we've decided love language kind of comes down to you're probably what you're not getting a lot of yeah, but the point I'm trying to make is like knowing your spouse's love language and and showing them love in that way, I think it's really important and I I definitely would say, early on in our marriage, I had no idea about this. Like I, I had no idea what Amy's love language was.
Speaker 1:No, it took us years to figure out, I just didn't.
Speaker 2:And even now, knowing what her love language is. I will be the first to admit that I'm not always perfect at it. I definitely try more, but I still feel like I sometimes could show you love in your love language, more often than I do.
Speaker 1:I could too.
Speaker 2:It requires effort right.
Speaker 1:I think it's always constant. If you have different love languages, it's always going to be constant effort.
Speaker 2:Yeah, always, and, like we've talked about too, sometimes they can change based upon what you're getting or not, right?
Speaker 1:right. The next one is just to feel loved. Well, that kind of goes with the emotional needs, the need for love. And I don't want to say that all women need romance I don't think all women need romance but I do feel like all women need to feel prioritized, and that's where I'm going to go with that one. I think that we need to feel like we're still your person. We're still your person and you show that in what you do.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think getting back to, don't you think the need for love could encompass, it can mean something different for everybody yeah Like the need for love, like for one for one wife might be quality time together.
Speaker 1:Right. Spending that quality time together which kind of goes back to love language. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, exactly Like it could be different for everyone.
Speaker 1:I think the most important thing you can do is ask your spouse this one question every day, or every week how, how can I love you better?
Speaker 2:How can I be a?
Speaker 1:better spouse Like how can I love you better?
Speaker 2:Because if, if Nick says, how can I love you?
Speaker 1:better. Because if, if Nick says, how can I love you better, that might change every day and it would change for him probably too. Yeah, how can I love you better today, today, yeah. So everyone is going to be different, and the last one is just most we've just taken this off as surveys, but most of them want their husband to be more of an equal when it comes to the kids in the house like chore once again that mental load.
Speaker 1:There's a lot on our plate, like. There's just a lot of husbands are like, well, I do the, I do the lawn care and I get the car's oil change, or I do it myself and I I just I think that we can't compare chores. I can't we. You do the inside and you do the outside. There's just a lot entailed with like raising kids and deep cleaning and the constant daily food prep and all the meals. It's just, it's, it's a lot. I don't think men and you could agree or disagree like realize how much is encompassed with being the default parent where the kids are always like I need this, I need this and they go to the same parent and the homework and the teachers and the schedules and the sports and the activities and the meals, and what am I going to eat for breakfast tomorrow?
Speaker 1:We ran out of bread, like those kinds of things the kids don't usually go to the husband for, and I don't think most husbands understand how realistic it is to have that load on your shoulders.
Speaker 2:I agree a hundred percent, cause I watch. Our kids are like I need help with this. They immediately go to Amy and I'm like I can help you. No, we want mom to help us.
Speaker 1:Every meal, every school assignment, every school activity, every teacher email. We run out of anything in the pantry. It's mom when are you going to the store?
Speaker 2:Not, dad, not, that Nick doesn't help, but it's like, which is interesting, because I go to the store probably 80% of the time. Well in the last year I've done it the last 21 years. Yeah, he's doing much better at that Well that's something I know Amy doesn't like to do.
Speaker 1:So that's just an example of like. I know she doesn't like to do it, so I'm gonna try to step it up and go do it, yeah, but but if your husband does do that, don't tell me about the right wrong thing. That's right, exactly. Oh, you got this kind of peanut butter.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, you just said peanut butter.
Speaker 1:Well, you should have known you should have gotten this brand and you should have been skippy well.
Speaker 2:I, I didn't know that.
Speaker 1:I just said peanut butter just yeah, I, I just think it's. I think that women if you want to sum this up, I think women just want the men to be more mindful about their needs and to to be like how can I be a better husband to you, how can I be a better father, like I? I think that when a husband's truly caring, a wife stops scorekeeping, like when you can really feel that, like they really do care, I just need to be on the same page with them. That really helps. I think it's attitude for sure.
Speaker 2:Is there anything you felt like that was missed, or? I mean we tried to keep it really basic if a husband's doing those four things, I mean those are deep things though, I know, but yeah, there's a lot of things that are encompassed under emotional intimacy needs, right and that looks so different to every wife and it's like, okay, those are not simple.
Speaker 1:I know we're trying to like keep this simple, but like I don't know what my wife needs emotionally, I don't know what her love like, I don't know how to express the love language.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to help with the daily stuff. That gets back to just that simple communication. How, how do you? How can I best show you that I love you?
Speaker 1:How can I be a better spouse?
Speaker 2:Simple question and she could answer and say you know what? Just, maybe you could take the kids for a couple hours, okay.
Speaker 1:Just get them out of the house, yeah.
Speaker 2:Like it could look like something different every day, but it really is. It really is simple. It's just a matter of communicating that.
Speaker 1:Well, it really comes down to caring, like, do I want to be that better spouse and do I actually want to help her in those ways, like when your heart is there, she's gonna feel it. Yeah, she's gonna feel it. That's really what I think. That's what women want. Let's just simple it down to one, and we're talking simple. She wants to feel that your heart is in her and in the marriage. It's really that simple. And ask her what that looks like to her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yep, okay, okay, husbands that is your goal that is your goal this week, and don't take it as a complicated goal.
Speaker 1:It's not a hard goal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not hard, it's simple all right, diving into the men's needs um. What do you think? The first am, I guessing let me guess.
Speaker 1:Uh, does I start with the word s or letter?
Speaker 2:how did you know? Did you cheat? Did you look at the? Did you look at the sheet?
Speaker 1:I actually didn't look at the sheet. I was just going off of my own husband so sexual needs.
Speaker 2:So why?
Speaker 1:why is that number one?
Speaker 2:I, I think it is. I think if, okay, we've done a ton of polls, right we have done a lot of surveys.
Speaker 1:These ants, all these things we talk about, usually come from you guys so on.
Speaker 2:On a lot of our polls, like 92 93 percent state how important sexual intimacy is in their marriage to. He's going to, in his eyes he's going to have a pretty good marriage. He's going to step it up. He's going to want to be like the best husband that he can be. If all that a couple did is had more sexual intimacy, you would see so many aspects of the marriage improve from your husband.
Speaker 2:I truly believe that I hope so well, so okay, let's talk about our relationship we're not going to get into details, but amy amy does a good job of prioritizing sexual intimacy. I think I think, with all the things we've studied and learned and here and doing what we're doing, I really do feel like Amy understands that sexual intimacy is a need and not just a want.
Speaker 1:Did I get that right? I think that's what keeps the passion alive. If we were never intimate, I think we would have a roommate marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, agreed.
Speaker 1:I think any healthy couple, or even knows what a healthy couple would look like, would agree that if a couple is not intimate, that is a roommate marriage. She didn't sign up for that, he didn't sign up for that Right.
Speaker 2:Agreed 100%, and the reason why I think sexual intimacy is so important. If you look at the, the number one or number two cause for divorce, it it almost always seems that it's like, uh, lack of sexual intimacy or lack of sexual intimacy caused by something else?
Speaker 2:yes, and and again. I don't mean to, I don't mean to get graphic, but we hear a lot of women say oh, my husband just husband just wants me, he just wants to have sex. If that were true, if your husband just needed to get off, so to speak sorry to use that word then he would go take care of himself and he would have a happy, wonderful marriage, and you wouldn't see any impact of that other than he wants to be with you but that's why that doesn't work.
Speaker 2:It doesn't work to just say, oh, you know, he just wants sex. Because that doesn't work. He, he, wants to make love to you because that is how he feels love, that is how he feels desired, that is where his self-worth and his self-confidence for most men come from. That is that is how your husband is reassured and knows that you truly care about him.
Speaker 2:When Amy and I were going through the difficult times that we were going through, I can honestly say I think the thing that held us together is that we were still making love, because every time we made love it reassured me that she, she, she loves me, right as hard as the things we're going through are. That gave that reassurance to me that she still loves me and desires me and cares for me and wants me. Um, so I think that's I would guess to say that's the same for most men out there like being desired by their wife makes them feel like their wife loves them. That's that reassurance. Okay, let me shake her head. She's smiling. I'm not a man I don't know yeah, okay, I I.
Speaker 1:I think that you're accurate. Is that what you want me to say? Yeah, I'm not a guy, but from all the guys I've talked about, yeah, that that sums it up uh, the second thing a man needs is the need he needs respect.
Speaker 2:um, we've often heard that a man would rather be respected than feel loved, that's crazy to me because I'm not a man, but okay.
Speaker 1:I think respect is earned. I do. You guys can probably disagree with that, but I think that respect is earned in a marriage and in life.
Speaker 2:And respect to a man doesn't mean that he's put on this pedestal and he's, he's looked up as being better than everyone else or anything like that. It's not anything like that. That's not what the word respect means. I think respect and kind of appreciation, you know, kind of go hand in hand to where you know, if a wife saying hey, thank you so much for all you're doing for the family or for the kids, or thank you for you, you know, being there for me and talking to me, or whatever, I mean, that could look like so many different things, right, but I think that that is something that's a need for a man to hear, just that again, he's, he's respected, he's appreciated.
Speaker 1:I think men know if they're respected by their wife's actions yeah. I really. I mean, I don't even know what example to give right now, but I think it's pretty obvious when a woman respects you or not. Yeah, and they're going to talk down to you, they're going to belittle you, they're going to. I just that kills that kills a man, that kills a man, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think it goes back to sexual intimacy as well too, when a wife desires her husband sexually. That is that, that kind of shows like I love you and I respect you right and I appreciate you and I appreciate you. Um, a man needs his wife to initiate once in a while. Um, I think we're taught as a man that we're we're the ones that are always supposed to be pursuing, but it is nice to have your wife initiate once in a while.
Speaker 1:What is once in a while, babe. Let's hear it Just like three times a week is all.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I'm joking. That's not realistic.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:I think so. The other night I'm laying in bed and kind of just reading and Amy comes out, climbs into bed naked and I didn't even notice and initiated Like that made my whole month, like I was so excited. I'm like oh, like she desires me, like she loves me.
Speaker 1:If women would do that more often, they would have a happy man.
Speaker 2:Smile on my face. I could have advertised for a orthodontist without braces Because I had a pretty big smile on my face. Um, I could have advertised for a orthodontist without braces without a pretty big smile on my face that was a weird example that's just what came out of my mouth anyway. Needless to say, I had a big smile was I in the mood? No, I don't know. No, I just no.
Speaker 1:I didn't, I didn't ask, I was in the mood to put a big smile on your face though, yeah.
Speaker 2:I didn't even ask, I just like oh my heck, she like wants to make love to me, whether she wanted to or she was doing it to make me happy, doesn't matter, doesn't matter. We were both happy.
Speaker 1:Let's just put it that way, okay, and you know, I got a comment, another message the other day. Like people know, I got a comment, another message the other day, like people are so honest. Thank you for being honest. We can handle it. He's like you know. Nick wants to talk about intimate time and be a little more open about it, and you just cut him off. I'm like no, I don't think nick wants to be any more open about it, so we're good there we'll keep a baseline that we made love, and that's all that needs to be shared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're not ever gonna share anything that needs to be shared. Yeah, we're not ever going to share anything that doesn't need to be shared. Sorry, Nick agrees with that.
Speaker 2:Correct. You know Amy and I honestly are fairly private people. You wouldn't know that from the podcast. I mean, we've honestly it's been pretty difficult or hard for us to do. The things we do in the podcast and videos has been very uncomfortable for us. We're a lot more comfortable with it now, but we're still very private though yeah, you know, there's just certain things that don't need to be talked about on a podcast right, no, um, what you do, we are the wrong podcast.
Speaker 1:If you need details, what?
Speaker 2:you do behind closed doors is is completely up to you and your spouse. And yeah, we do have some tips and techniques and different things on the app, but uh, created with experts, but yeah, we're not. We don't give too too many details.
Speaker 1:Anyways, I just had to throw that in there, that, yeah, we're. We're fine with your emails and messages, but we are going to tell you if we're comfortable or not comfortable with something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yep yeah, for sure. Um, and I, I think, the final one. The things that a man really needs in marriage is for his wife just to communicate with him. We've talked about this before. So many times. Wives say I shouldn't have to tell him, he should know I mean he's not a mind reader.
Speaker 1:Your mind is very complex, women.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that drives me crazy too, because what she might be thinking at 302, she might be thinking something completely different at 305. Right, so it's changing constantly. So a man really doesn't know what she needs at that given time. So I tell Amy this I'm like, just tell me what you need, like Nick, I would really appreciate it if you'd do this. Okay, perfect. Or Nick, I'd appreciate it if you do this. Okay, perfect. Or Nick, I'd appreciate it if you would go do this Perfect.
Speaker 1:If a guy actually says, perfect, I would love to do that and actually does it, that's great, because there's a lot of women that are like well, I tell him something, he doesn't do it and then a week later I have to remind him.
Speaker 2:I mean, obviously there are some things we as men should. Just it should be obvious that we should know we need to take care of and be responsible for.
Speaker 2:But there are some times where we don't understand exactly what our wife needs at that time and sometimes it's like you know what, sweetie, I just need an hour alone. It's been a long day with the kids. Can you take the kids? Instead of saying you should have known I had a tough day and that you need, I wanted you to take the kids, even though I didn't say anything to you.
Speaker 1:I'm guilty of that.
Speaker 2:Sometimes just say you know what, honey, it's been a tough day. Could you take the kids for an hour, and most husbands out there would be like, yeah, absolutely, let me take them out.
Speaker 1:Five seconds. It just takes five seconds to tell him what you need so instead of again like we've talked about.
Speaker 2:Women are very detailed. Men are very simple just talk to him, it'll. It'll make everything in your marriage so much better if you just communicate your needs with your husband, instead of assuming he should know what you need. Just tell him what you need, and it'll make things so much easier. It would make things simpler, yep um, yeah, this even happened with amy one time, so but anyways wait what, wait what? Yeah, we're sometimes sometimes you just need to communicate instead of assuming oh I, I said I'm very guilty of this no, yeah, yeah so no, I.
Speaker 1:I have learned like our whole marriage goes better and smoother. There's less arguments or disagreements ever. If I'm just like, hey, I would really appreciate it if you clean the windows. They're bugging me and I've already tried the last five times and I suck at it, so maybe you could try. And Nick's like sure, and Nick's like oh wait, I suck at it too, we'll hire a cleaner.
Speaker 2:I did I? I totally bombed it, but at least attempted but that's, that's the whole thing.
Speaker 1:Going back to the women's side, attempting shows love when you, when you can communicate and then just try. That should be enough that should be enough.
Speaker 2:Agreed, agreed, I think we're okay.
Speaker 1:The big question for the end of the podcast are we complicating marriage?
Speaker 2:I think in a lot of cases we do and I think in a lot of cases the expectations from both spouses on the other spouse are way too high so.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about that real quick before we finish. I think women expect men to mind read. I think women expect I, the men's eyeballs to be the same as women's, where it's like don't you see that that's dirty? Don't you see that that needs deep cleaning? They don't see the same things as us. They don't just get that through your head. A messy house to you is different than a messy house to a man.
Speaker 2:Absolutely like we are different. A clean house to a man is you know things are put away things are put away.
Speaker 1:You're, you're exactly right put them in the sink. Oh, house looks great. No, the sink still filled.
Speaker 2:Like we look differently and a woman's looking at the dust on the roof of the house and saying that roof needs to be sprayed off you think that's funny, but literally our front porch.
Speaker 1:He doesn't look at our front porch. I'm like it's, it's a dusty. I need you to get out the high pressure washer. For me it's a disaster and like I don't think he would notice that correct.
Speaker 2:You're right on yeah, so we do. We do. We look at things differently and I bet most men and women out there are shaking their heads saying yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guarantee we're pretty average, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:So if you really want to simple your marriage, you want to make it better, you want to be happier, let's stop disagreeing on stuff. Let's just cut back. I have the solution. It's called a marriage weekly meeting. Is that the best solution? That's all I had.
Speaker 2:Meeting sounds very serious.
Speaker 1:Okay, a weekly marriage talking session? Okay, these are the things you ask each other. What needs to be done, how can I be a better spouse, what can I do to take the mental load off of your plate and vice versa, and what does that and how can? Okay. And then the men's side. I was going to say how do I initiate better or how do I initiate more? I, that's just such a hard topic Because, like, everything you read for the men was like initiate more.
Speaker 2:Women Communicate about initiation sexual needs. Women think about that. The only thing you have to worry about is I gotta make love to my husband a little bit more and initiate more and yeah and initiate once in a while and he's gonna be the happiest guy in the world and in return, he's going to start trying to step it up and being a better husband.
Speaker 1:So simple, it's so simple.
Speaker 2:Why. I got a question and I don't mean to keep rambling on this podcast, but I think why does sexual intimacy get tied into? Why is it used as a tool or a weapon to? I don't want to. I don't want to use the word manipulate, I want to be careful. Why is sexual intimacy such a powerful tool to try to get what they want?
Speaker 1:Women use. It is what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, why do women use sex as a tool, are you?
Speaker 1:saying that we've experienced that, or just a lot of couples have experienced that.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying in general, because I think we've experienced it, or every couple's experienced it. Sex is such a powerful thing in marriage, but it can be used in a way to maybe try to get what they want more or what have you. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're trying to say.
Speaker 2:I know what I'm trying to say, but it's not coming out right. Sex is a very, very, very powerful thing and I think most women know how powerful that is and how they hold the power to that Because, as we've talked about before, it is the lower desire spouse that typically controls, like if and when sexual intimacy in marriage is happening, right as should be, because if it was the high dryer controlling that, it would be all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'm just.
Speaker 2:But the point I'm trying to get at is there's typically a spouse that recognizes they have the control of sexual intimacy, and sexual intimacy is a an extremely powerful emotion. It's a powerful god-given thing. But I think in marriage in general it's often used, and sometimes by both husband and wife um to it can throw a lot of things off. It's used as couples that, um, what am I trying to say? Sorry, I'm, I'm.
Speaker 1:I know you're, I know I really have. We've had this conversation. I really have strong.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry this isn't coming out right. I really have strong feelings on this and it's just not coming out.
Speaker 1:Okay, Okay, let's, let's don't. We're trying to talk simple here and we're complicating this. I know what you're trying to say, but I need you to give me an example, Like you said when I said does that happen in our marriage?
Speaker 2:You're like well, no, okay. So we did a podcast episode.
Speaker 1:Maybe give an example of what you're trying to say.
Speaker 2:We did a podcast episode the toxic games couples play in marriage, right and around sex like where maybe a wife is saying well, I'm not going to make love to you because you didn't do A, b, c, d and E right. And I think a lot of times sexual intimacy is used to punish or not only punish, but also reward a spouse.
Speaker 1:Right like oh, if you do a, b, c and d, we'll have sex tonight, right, um, I don't do that, right?
Speaker 2:no no, okay, no, but I'm just, I'm saying like and the point I was trying to make when I said even in our marriage. I think every marriage that's ever existed has sex, has been used in some way to where like, oh, he didn't do this, therefore we're not gonna make love I don't, I really don't think that it that a wife is like I'm not okay, let me take that back.
Speaker 1:There are probably wives that do that. Absolutely. I think for the majority of good, healthy wives, they're not trying to use sex as a manipulation or as a weapon. I don't, I don't think that's like ever like the intent. I think that husbands might feel like that yeah, I love once again once again, I think it's assuming.
Speaker 1:I think both husbands and wives assume. I think that it's a mindset, like because you want it so bad, because you're like wired to want that so bad. I think that that men can look at it like that, where a wife is really like this has nothing to do with sex, this has to do with like, literally, the house is a wreck. You have like I'm not saying Nick, I'm just saying examples like you've been on your video game for three hours. I I had to put the kids to bed, I carried a lot of, and maybe you had a rough day at work. That's fine. I'm not saying that's bad or whatever. Like, whatever your marriage looks like, I'm just saying a lot of wives have expressed that when their husband gets home they're a little checked out. Maybe they did have a long day at work, maybe you were really stressed, maybe a really hard job, I don't know. I'm not saying that's bad, but maybe she's feeling like he's checked out, he hasn't put a lot of effort into this family or the house or all the things. He hasn't even asked me what my my load is today and what I've dealt with with the kids, and then all of a sudden she's like no, like this needs to be done, this needs to be done and this needs to be done. And he's just like oh no, you're using it as a weapon. No, it really comes down to everything we've been saying. She feels disconnected. She doesn't feel loved.
Speaker 1:When a husband walks in the house maybe she's a stay-at-home, maybe she's been working, I don't know. This is different to everybody. When he walks in the house and he's kind of checked out, he has had a rough day this takes both people embracing each other and being like I had a rough day too, or I'm sorry that you had such a rough day. Maybe you should go relax for an hour or whatever. I'll take care of dinner and she can be more supportive, or maybe sometimes he needs to be more supportive. But if both of them are feeling loved and like let's tackle this evening together. Let's tackle the kitchen, the laundry, let's get the kids bed, let's get the homework done, let's tackle this as a team, she's automatically going to feel more unified in that relationship for sure.
Speaker 2:See, I love like, I love it. Amy, amy's like my interpreter. I'm here, I'm over here mumbling. I don't even know what's coming out of my mouth. I sound like kamala harris. I'm sitting here mumbling and throwing out word salads and amy knows exactly what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:Interprets it I might have just confused our audience even more, though presented a beautiful.
Speaker 2:Just that was perfect, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you, I don't think it was perfect, though All I'm trying to say is that I think on both sides we assume that the other person either doesn't care and that's not usually the case, like I think that if we wanted to simplify marriage, it would just be more communication, it would be better communication.
Speaker 1:It's not even more communication, it's called better communication. Like, hey, I'm sorry you had a rough day, what can I do for you? Well, what can I do for you? Let's do something for each other, let's serve each other, and then maybe we're going to feel unified and both feel loved tonight.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think you hit it right on that, yeah, we as men look at it as it being more of a manipulative thing, at as as it being more of a manipulative thing because we're like, oh you know, because we, we and we've talked about this before we, we as men, only know how we feel. We don't know how you feel, and you as women only know how you feel, you don't know how we feel and so how, where we look at things so differently. And again, that comes in with good communication.
Speaker 1:But I think if a husband is literally trying to step it up like I want to be a better man for you, I want to be more masculine, I want to be a leader for you, I want you to respect me, then the wife should stick it like step it up, I'm I. If he's stepping it up, you should step it up. You're like. You know what. This is how you feel loved.
Speaker 1:I am gonna initiate when I'm not in the mood. I I'm gonna climb into bed naked every once in a while doesn't have to be all the time, whether your balance is a couple nights a week, whatever I'm, I'm gonna try to and that was our goal in our marriage I am gonna try to initiate once a week. That doesn't always happen, it's usually I'm not in the mood. It's not because I'm thinking about it, because it means a lot to him, so it doesn't really matter. Like I'm gonna try and step it up too. When both people are trying to step it up the manipulation and the tool stuff that goes away and when I pull out the flower ring, she gets in the mood easy as that anyways um, which leads us to.
Speaker 2:You know, christmas is coming and, if you're like most people, we wait until the last minute to try to find the perfect Christmas gift for our spouse.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to hear which one you're going to throw out.
Speaker 2:Well, we have our Christmas. We have our Christmas stocking edition. Is what I? What do?
Speaker 1:we call it. Add it to the shop. If you're an early shopper, you want to get ahead. Wives, this is where you step it up.
Speaker 2:You buy in this and we only have a limited supply available, so when they're gone, they're gone. So we have that.
Speaker 2:We have our new SensePlay 4Play card deck and also our SensePlay box. You can check out these items and all the great items we have at shopultimateintimacycom, and our shipping person is exceptional, I mean, he gets stuff out really quickly. You're going to have your items very quickly. So anyway, shopultimateintimacycom, let us know if you have any questions. A lot of you reach out to us and say, hey, how does this work, or what do I do here, and we'll answer those questions for you. So we're not afraid.
Speaker 1:And you can send us your honest feedback also.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, message us.
Speaker 2:We love hearing your feedback on the podcast and future podcasts. You want to hear Amy at ultimateintimacycom. It'll be either I or Amy responding to you. Typically Nick, typically Nick, and we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.